Behind the Magic, Beneath the Moon
by George Stark II
Summary: warning: contains slash. starts when marauders start school thru book 6. basically just story of lupin's life focusing on his relationship with sirius. mostly lupin's pov some of sirius's pov. lupinXsirius slash mostly then some lupinXtonks at the end
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: The brilliant characters of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black and everyone else belong to JK Rowling not me. Also, as far as canonosity (yay I just invented a word) goes, it is completely, 99 canon up to book 6. Book 7 ruined like 5 things but I'm going to ignore them because most of this story was written before book 7 came out so I did my best with it being canon. And, um, if you don't like long stories, you might want to stop now, because it's going to be 22 chapters when it's finished. But i've already written it all out just need to type it so you won't spend all your time waiting around forever it should all be up within a month and possibly sooner. Please read and review, honestly and truthfully. Ok I won't keep you any longer. Story time!

**Part I**

Chapter One

In all his life, Remus Lupin had never felt as taken over by nerves as he did now. He was just a young boy, not ready for this kind of stress. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake. When he first found out he'd be able to come to Hogwarts, Remus had been overcome with glee. He'd spent the rest of the summer babbling to his melancholic parents about all he was going to be able to do and learn, and expressing his excitement at actually being almost _normal_ for once, and being let out of the dark musty house to interact with other kids.

Now, however, he thought it might have been better to stay safe at home. Remus had always been shy and quiet by nature, but these traits had increased tenfold when he'd received the bite. And now here he was, on a train full of unfamiliar faces, most of them older, and none of them looking as though they needed a new werewolf friend. Not that any of them _knew_, of course, and not that he would tell them, but still…

Remus didn't need to make friends. He would have been perfectly content with finding a little corner in some compartment somewhere to just curl up in the seat by himself for the rest of his life. The only problem with this perfect plan was that none of the compartments were empty. Remus wouldn't have minded a partly-empty one; he could simply ignore the other students. Unfortunately, the only one he'd seen so far had contained a boy with greasy hair, a large hooked nose, and such an unfriendly expression that Remus had run to the other side of the carriage without even checking any of the adjacent compartments.

After a few minutes of working up the nerve, Remus began peeking in compartments again, now desperate for anywhere to sit. One compartment only had a girl and two boys (one of them very cute), who all looked around his age. While debating with himself whether or not to actually try opening the door now, he accidentally caught the cute boy's eye. When this happened, he nudged his friend, who, to Remus's horror, got up and came to the door.

"Hello," the boy said.

Remus wanted to say 'hi,' but the other boy, the cute one, was looking at him, and no sound came out.

"Are you looking for a place to sit?" the boy continued. "We have room if you want."

Having given up on trying to talk, Remus simply nodded, following him into the compartment.

"I'm James," the boy said, reaching out to shake Remus's hand. "James Potter."

"I'm Remus Lupin," Remus said, relieved to have his voice again now that he was looking at James rather than the other boy. James had black, untidy hair and hazel eyes.

To Remus's intense nervousness, the other boy stood up to introduce himself next.

"Sirius Black," he said. His grin and the touch of his handshake caused Remus to go temporarily mute again. His hair was black like James's, but longer, and shiny. It fell into his sparkling eyes so perfectly that confidence simply radiated from him. His gorgeous smile forced Remus to smile back (though purely out of nerves) before letting go of his hand and looking at the ground.

The girl introduced herself next (Lily Evans), and smiled at him as well. She was quite good-looking herself, with long red hair and almond-shaped green eyes, and Remus relaxed a bit when she offered him the seat next to her and attempted to start a conversation.

Liking girls was easier than liking boys because he could look at them and think they were pretty without worrying if someone saw him starting. He could look at Lily and talk to her a little bit while occasionally peeking over at Sirius just for a second.

The train ride calmed Remus down a bit, as all three of his companions were being perfectly friendly to him, and by the end he even managed to say a word or two to Sirius. As they neared the school, however, his nerves returned.

When they got off the train, a big hairy man named Hagrid led all the first years into boats, where they crossed a vast lake to an even vaster castle. A stern-looking woman named Professor McGonagall explained how the school had four different Houses, each with its own common room and table, and they would have to put on a hat to determine where they belonged.

Remus looked down when he heard these instructions. He'd just almost started to make friends, and now he might not get to see them if they weren't in his House. Remus had also noticed the hook-nosed kid on the train among the first years, his expression as cold as ever. What if Remus got placed in the same House as _him_?

As these worries began to take over Remus, he and the other first years were led into the Great Hall. The hat had begun to sing a song, and Remus watched it in fascination along with the others. Once it was finished, Sirius Black was called up to be Sorted first. Remus felt safe in starting as Sirius strode up to the stool, cool as anything, plopped down, and pulled to hat over his head. The hat shouted Sirius into Gryffindor, and he strode, grinning, down to his table.

One by one the students were called up and Sorted into various Houses. Lily Evans and another girl also became Gryffindors, and soon after it was Remus's turn. To his surprise, relief, and worry, Remus became a Gryffindor as well. He couldn't help smiling as he made his way down to the table.

Too shy to sit next to Sirius, Remus instead sat across from him, next to Lily. Both smiled at him. They continued to watch the students get Sorted. A girl with blonde hair joined them at Gryffindor. A few minutes later, so did a short boy with watery eyes. After him, it was James's turn, and he got into Gryffindor as well. He had quite the same expression on his face as Sirius had when he came down to the table. He sat next to Sirius, and Remus watched the two slap hands.

After awhile, the mean-looking boy from earlier came up to the stool, and Remus watched apprehensively. Would he be in Gryffindor, too? But no, he ended up in Slytherin, and they watched him go.

"Good," Sirius commented. "Looks like he belongs there, the greasy git. They're a filthy bunch," he continued, looking around to see who was listening. "My cousin Bellatrix is in there. So was the rest of my family. None of em're too friendly."

There were only a few students left, and once they were finished, the feast started, and the Great Hall was filled with the sounds of eating and talking. Remus chewed quietly, preferring to listen in to the others' conversations rather than join in.

After the feast, the older prefects led the first years to their dormitories. Remus's nerves returned yet again when he realized he'd be sharing a dormitory with Sirius. The room was small and circular, and Remus knew he must be in a tower. James's bed was on the far right from the stairs, then Sirius's, Remus's, and then the other Gryffindor boy's, who they learned was called Peter Pettigrew.

It felt good to be able to crawl into a warm bed after this long, stressful day. Remus started up at the ceiling and thought about tomorrow, when classes would start. He thought about three weeks from now, when the first full moon would come, and what would happen. He thought about all the people he had encountered today. The hook-nosed Slytherin boy was in the castle somewhere. Lily Evans was surely in the adjacent tower. The woman from earlier, Professor McGonagall, couldn't be far away, as she was Head of Gryffindor House. James was in his bed across the room next to the stairs, Peter on the other side of the stairs, and Sirius…

Remus looked over at the bed next to him. Sirius was there, beginning to drift off to sleep. Remus realized he was staring and looked back up at the stairs again.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Things calmed down once lessons started. The magic fascinated Remus, but he had always been a good student and did not find anything too difficult, school-wise. Magic came easy to James and Sirius as well, and the two were always found performing spells between classes. Comfortable with sitting quietly and studying, Remus did not feel the need to show off as James and Sirius did. He confined himself to watching them, mainly Sirius of course, but James seemed to always be wherever Sirius was. Sometimes Remus would help Peter with his homework, whenever he, Peter, failed to get Sirius's or James's attention. Peter fawned over the pair of them, impressed with every spell they cast. Sometimes they seemed pleased with all this attention, but James seemed to be trying to catch Lily's eyes. He always did, but only for a second, before it rolled to the other side of her head to look at something else.

A few days before the first full moon, Professor McGonagall held Remus back after a Transfiguration lesson. She didn't tell him what she needed him for, but led him out onto the school grounds and up to a tree. Remus was about to ask what was going on when she said, "The headmaster instructed me to take you out here and show you this tree. It's a Whomping Willow. If you approach it, it will try to attack you unless you prod the knot in the center of the trunk."

"Okay…" Remus said, still confused.

"On the nights of the full moon," she continued, making Remus's heart jump, "you are to come here. You see that stick on the ground? Go pick it up, prod the knot."

Remus obeyed. The tree started to move its branches as Remus slowly approached it, but he pressed the stick against the knot and the tree froze. Professor McGonagall approached him and pointed out a hole in the ground near the base of the tree and followed Remus down a passage before overtaking him and leading the way once again. The passage sloped up, and suddenly Remus realized was in a house.

"This is where you will come," Professor McGonagall concluded. "To...transform. Every month at the full moon while you attend this school. The tree is to deter other students from coming here while you are dangerous. They don't know this place is here, and you are not to tell anyone. On the night of the full moon, meet Madam Pomfrey at the entrance to the castle, and she will take you here. Do you understand?"

Remus nodded.

"All right," Professor McGonagall said. "Let's go back to the castle."

Remus said nothing as he followed Professor McGonagall back up, but went back to the common room as quickly as he could. Remus was relieved that he now knew what to do for the full moon, but nervous that it was approaching. What if something went wrong?

Other than the usual pain of transforming into a werewolf, however, the process went smoothly. He met Madam Pomfrey at the entrance as instructed, and she took him down to the tree. He went to the house and waited until the full moon emerged. He felt the usual prickling sensation overcoming him, and then thrashed around the house, unable to control himself and only able to remember flashes of what he did.

When he woke up the next morning, it was like waking up after passing out. He felt tired and sore, and looking around, realized he attacked most of the furniture. Remus got up and rubbed his head, feeling so ashamed. He didn't know how late it was, so he got out as quickly as he could.

Sirius approached Remus in the common room that evening.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," Remus said back, looking at Sirius's chest because he was too nervous to catch his eye.

"Where were you earlier?" Sirius asked casually, sitting down next to Remus. "We didn't see you in the dormitory or this morning's classes."

"Oh," Remus said, trying not to blush. He'd expected this and planned an excuse ahead of time, but it didn't make the lying any easier. "My mum's in St. Mungo's. I had to go see her."

"Is she all right?" Sirius asked, his eyebrows furrowing with concern. "What's wrong with her?"

"I don't exactly know. They say it's complicated. She was up and talking, so she seemed all right, but they say she might be in there a long time."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Sirius said, touching Remus's arm lightly.

This was the only time they'd had skin contact aside from when they'd shaken hands the first day. His hand was soft and warm, but it still gave Remus goose bumps. He couldn't help smiling down at his knees. He felt bad lying, even though it was obviously necessary, but it was worth it, just for this.

"Are _you_ okay?" Sirius asked, his sincere eyes looking into Remus's.

He nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Sirius smiled at Remus and took his hand off his arm.

Remus felt special. Sirius had chosen to come and talk to _him_, had shown genuine concern when he thought something was troubling him. And this was the first time he'd seen him without James. Remus looked around the common room. Where _was_ James anyway? Peter was on the other side of the common room, watching some older kids, but James was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's James?" Remus asked. It did not really matter to him where James was, but pure curiosity to why Sirius wasn't with him prompted the question.

"Oh," Sirius said, smiling. "He's uh…in detention."

"Detention? We've only been in school three weeks! What's he done?"

Grinning now, Sirius explained, "Well, you know that Slytherin kid Snape? The one with the greasy hair?"

Remus nodded. He was the boy he'd seen on the train.

"Well," Sirius continued, a bit nervous. "He was waiting around after Portions the other day, to ask Slughorn a question or something and…"

"Go on," Remus said, genuinely interested now.

"James decided to practice his _Wingardium Leviosa_ spell. On…Snape's full cauldron. And he was doing real well, got it high into the air, right above Snape's head, matter of fact."

"Let me guess," Remus said.

Sirius grinned. "Well, suddenly the spell lifted for some reason, don't know what happened. Well, that's what we told Slughorn anyway. But he either didn't buy it or thought it wasn't enough of an excuse, and gave James detention." Sirius was still smiling.

"Interesting," Remus said. "You're all grinning like you're impressed or whatever, but that really seems like the kind of thing that you would do, not James."

"Yeah, well," Sirius said, shrugging. "I dared him to do it, anyway."

"Oh, well, that explains it." Remus was smiling too, now. He didn't particularly approve of unprovoked pranks, but was a bit impressed by it.

Sirius was smiling as though impressed, too.

"You and James," Remus said. "How long have you two known each other?"

"We just met on the first day at the train station."

"Really?" Remus asked, surprised. "The way you two…well…it seems like you've known each other a long time."

"I know what you mean," Sirius said, nodding. "When we met, we got along right away. He's just so easy to talk to. I feel so comfortable around him." Sirius's smile became more relaxed and his eyes shifted to the other side of the room, looking at nothing in particular. "And he's brilliant. Not just with schoolwork. He's also funny and…all kinds of stuff. I feel like I've known him forever. He's my best friend."

Remus knew Sirius wasn't really talking to him anymore; he was just talking in general. He was still staring off into space, and his smile was peaceful, almost uncharacteristically sky. Remus watched him, wondering if he was going to come back to Earth any time soon.

He did so a minute later, because at that point James entered the room.

"We were just talking about you!" Sirius said as James came over to sit next to them.

"Good things, I hope," James said, sitting down.

"What you were just in detention for," Remus said.

"Oh yes," said James. "Good things then. Hey, we missed you earlier, Remus. Something happen?"

"His mum's in the hospital," Sirius said, touching Remus's arm again.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"Thanks."

"You know, we don't really know too much about you. You're always hanging back by yourself. You should hang out with us more. Like eat lunch with us more often, and talk to us during breaks and at night," James suggested. "We feel bad seeing you all lonely. Don't be afraid to be with other people. Don't be so shy."

Remus smiled. "I try not to be."

"Peter isn't," Sirius cut in. "He just follows us everywhere."

"I'm not Peter," Remus said.

"That's okay; we don't need more than one Peter," James assured. "But the four of us are gonna be around each other for the next seven years. We might as well be friends."

"Maybe Peter can be a pet," Sirius said, looking over at him. Remus and James laughed.

"It's getting late," Remus said, checking his watch. "I'm going upstairs to the dormitory."

"See, that's the first thing you have to change," James said. "It's very subtle. Friends go places together."

"Okay, let's go to bed then," Sirius said.

James ignored him. "Maybe a suggestion like that as a group instead of excluding yourself. Instead of, 'I'm going upstairs,' say, 'Maybe we should go upstairs.' That way you're not alone."

"Maybe we should go upstairs," Remus said, smiling.

"Good idea." James smiled back.

Feeling more cheerful, Remus followed his new friends upstairs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** The bad pun in the second paragraph was completely unintended.

Chapter Three

Being friends with Sirius, James, and Peter really built Remus's confidence. He felt accepted, as though he wasn't some freak of nature despite his monthly transformations. When they asked, he told his friends he was visiting his mum again, and soon they stopped asking. Remus always felt guilty about lying to his friends, but he harbored a constant fear that they would shun him forever if they knew the truth. This was the first time he had real friends, and he wouldn't risk that for anything.

In addition to making his first real friends, Remus also developed his first serious crush. He'd basically liked Sirius from the moment he met him, but his feelings got stronger with each moment he spent with him. It was much more than just physical attraction; Remus adored almost everything about Sirius. He was smart, funny, honest, and always so confident, always smiling, it was contagious. Remus couldn't look at Sirius and not smile.

Admittedly, the fact that he and James continued to pick on the Snape kid got old after awhile. Although Remus had been a little afraid of Snape when he first met him, soon his only feelings toward him were pity.

Snape was always by himself, and he seemed to prefer not to be with other people, not to cause trouble. James and Sirius created trouble for him, and Remus didn't really think that was fair. He knew what it was like to be all alone, friendless, and picked on. However, he didn't say anything because all his friends clearly enjoyed this form of entertainment and he didn't want them to think he wanted to ruin their fun.

Time went by fast when Remus was with people, and when he saw his parents during the Christmas holiday from school, he was more talkative than he could ever remember being. Remus tried to calm down and keep composed when he spoke of Sirius, as his parents didn't know he liked boys as well as girls, but found it difficult as he had so much to say on the subject.

Remus's parents were thrilled that their son was making friends and gaining so much confidence. When Remus received all kinds of letters from his friends over the summer holidays, they sent him back in the fall with much less reserve than they'd had last year.

Remus's second year at school was almost the same as first. Three different things happened. In the beginning of the year, Snape had a really bad cold. Since he was always sniffing, his eyes sometimes watered, and his first name was Severus, James and Sirius took it upon themselves to grant him the permanent nickname, 'Snivellus.'

The most significant change was that James joined the Gryffindor Quidditch team. This meant he spent a night or two a week at practice, giving Remus more time with Sirius out of James's company, except when Sirius went down to the pitch to watch him. James was an excellent flier, and Remus was impressed with him after the first match, but Peter's and Sirius's constant ravings about him got old fast. On the other hand, Sirius did talk to Remus whenever James wasn't around, and Remus loved talking to Sirius.

That was the other change in Remus's life. Twelve-going-on-thirteen, he was entering his adolescent years and starting to develop even stronger feelings for his friend. He dreamt about him occasionally, and sometimes felt 'in love,' even though every time this crossed his mind he told himself it was just a crush. He didn't know what it was like to be 'in love,' not yet. He wasn't old enough, and he wasn't ready. In addition, no matter what he felt, it was pointless because Sirius would never like him back. Remus wasn't even entirely sure that Sirius liked blokes, but if he did fancy a boy, it was James.

Remus tried never to linger over this idea, as he had no proof and did not wish to judge his friends. Whenever it did come up in his musings, he tried to push it away and simply think of how he, Remus, like Sirius, and daydream about him innocently without having to worry about the complications of anything actually happening.

The second year came and went, Remus and his friends signed up for new classes to take in the fall, and Remus underwent his painful transformations every month, lying to his friends about where he'd been. He received sympathy from them, but because they didn't know what was really happening, not support.

In the beginning of third year, Remus made his first slip. He was at the train station, saying goodbye to his parents, and ran into Peter on his way toward the train. Peter didn't say anything about Remus's parents right away, so he assumed he hadn't seen them. Once they met up with James and Sirius on the train and found a compartment, however, Peter's announcement proved him wrong.

"Guys, guess what," Peter said. "Remus's mum's out of the hospital. I saw Remus saying goodbye to her and his dad on the platform."

This pronouncement was met by expressions of happiness and questions from James and Sirius, and Remus flushed deeply, trying to think fast.

"That wasn't my mum," he said quickly, terrified his complexion might give him away. "That was…my aunt. She came with my dad to see me off to school. My mum's still in the hospital. I still plan to go and visit her every month."

His friends gave him confused looks.

"What?" Peter said. "But I heard you call her 'mum.'"

"You must have heard wrong then," Remus snapped, blushing even deeper. "I think I know my own mum from my aunt."

None of them said anything. They were all taken aback by his outburst; they had never heard Remus shout before. He couldn't tell whether they believed him or not, but none of them seemed to want to look at him. Remus sat down next to an empty seat and started glumly out the window as they rode to Hogwarts.

After a couple of hours of gloomy, uncomfortable silence, the witch with the food cart came around. Grateful for a break in the silence, James, Sirius, and Peter bought snacks. Remus continued to stare out the window, afraid to look at his friends in case they were upset with him. A few minutes later, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Remus turned around, and his heart skipped a beat when he realized it was Sirius. They looked at each other for a minute, Remus studying Sirius carefully, trying to detect his mood. After a moment, Sirius said, "Bean?"

Remus looked down and realized Sirius was holding out a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. Remus sighed with relief, muttered "Thanks," and took a pale bean out of the box. He put it into his mouth, chewed silently, and then smiled. It was the greatest taste he'd ever experienced. It was warm and sweet, like nothing he'd ever tasted. Remus licked his lips, wishing he could have another, but knowing he was very unlikely to ever come across it again in his lifetime, seeing as how he'd no idea what it was.

"What flavor is it?" Sirius asked, noticing his smile.

"No idea, but it's amazing."

Sirius smiled, relieved. "Glad I could help."

"Listen," James said nervously, causing all eyes to move to him. "We're sorry about your mum, Remus, really. I'm sure Peter didn't mean anything. I know you probably saw her a lot over the holiday, and I'm sure it's a painful subject and you don't want to talk about it. We promise we won't bring it up again. But if you do want to talk about it, or anything, really, know that you can talk to us. That goes for everybody, everything," James continued, now addressing the room as a whole. He stood up. "We're all roommates, and we're all friends. We should all be able to talk to each other about anything, tell each other anything, and trust each other with anything. We're a group, and we should act like one. We're mates, agreed?"

"Agreed," Sirius, Remus, and Peter said.

"Good," said James.

Remus felt twice as guilty about lying after this. Occasionally he flirted with the idea of actually telling them he was a werewolf. James had stressed 'anything.' But did 'anything' cover not being completely human and becoming a monster every twenty-eight days?

To make matters worse, they started studying werewolves in Defense Against the Dark Arts right after the Christmas holiday. Remus received top points in anything to do with the subject, but was terrified his equally successful classmates might notice odd things about him and make connections.

In addition to werewolves, the class also studied boggarts, creatures that transformed into whatever the person facing them most feared. This made the entire class nervous, but Remus felt worst of all. When it was his turn to face the boggart, it transformed into the moon, the full moon, and Remus froze. This was just a boggart; it couldn't transform him, could it? Remus stared at the boggart moon. When goose pimples began to crawl across his flesh, he panicked and thought it was the prickling of hairs beginning to grow from his skin. Unable to think of anything else to do, Remus ran from the room. He went down the hall into the nearest boys' lavatory, where he sat on a toilet, humiliated.

No one had seen him become a werewolf, which was a relief, but they had seen him run from the room on the verge of tears at nothing but a white sphere, which was nearly as bad. He was almost fourteen, much to old to fall to pieces over something so silly. Sirius would never like him now. He wasn't brave like James. He was a coward. At this thought, the tears he had struggled to hold back began to fall. He sat on the toilet and rocked back and forth. He was alone and friendless once again. An outcast.

"Remus?" The bathroom door creaked open along with Sirius's voice. "Are you in here?"

Remus sniffed loudly in reply and heard footsteps, more than one pair. Sirius creaked open the stall door and Remus saw his three friends standing there. His humiliation increased, and he looked down at the ground. He didn't want them to see him like this.

"Hey, it's okay," James said.

"It isn't," Remus answered. "I humiliated myself. It's awful."

"Everybody embarrasses themselves sometimes."

"Just look at Peter."

Remus refused to smile. Sirius knelt down next to him.

"Hey," he whispered, and put his arm around his shoulders. "We're still friends with him, we'll still be friends with you. Everyone gets scared sometimes. You weren't ready. That doesn't make you a coward. But even if you were, we'd still be your friends, you understand? You understand?" he said violently.

Remus nodded through his tears, more embarrassed than ever, and Sirius put his other arm around him, holding him. Feeling that it was okay, Remus put his arms around Sirius as well, wiping his tears with Sirius's robes. He felt two hands on his right arm, and when he looked up he saw that James and Peter were comforting him too. He and Sirius broke apart.

"You don't…" Remus sniffed. "You don't think it's silly?"

"We couldn't even tell what it was," James said. "A white thing…but whatever, I'm sure you've got a perfectly legitimate reason for being scared of it. If you don't want to talk about it, we'll take your word for it. Relax. Have we ever judged you?"

"No."

"Then why should now be any different?"

Remus shrugged.

"You'll be okay," Sirius said.

"You have us," squeaked Peter.

Remus smiled weakly, and his friends patted his back as he got up from the toilet. "Thank you," he said.

"Let's go to lunch," Sirius said. "I'll buy."

"Gee, that's generous of you," James said, rolling his eyes. "as the school supplies lunch for free."

"No," Sirius said, stopping in his tracks. "I mean let's go. You know, out?"

"Out as in Hogsmeade?" Remus asked.

"Yeah, he's got it," Sirius said.

"Sirius, no way," Remus said. "I don't even like it when we sneak out at night—"

"But everything's closed at night anyway," Sirius said. "We never get to go anywhere. What's the point of finding a secret passage out of the school if we never get to use it?"

"You know," James said, "If there's one secret passage, I bet there are more. We've already been here three years, and we haven't found much. Maybe we ought to go sneaking around at night more often. How about tonight?"

"Detention," Sirius reminded him.

"Oh yeah. Damn, I've got Quidditch the next two nights. But it's been almost two months since we last snuck out, and I hate having that amazing invisibility cloak and not putting it to use."


	4. Chapter 4

Just to clear this up, sometimes when James or Remus is talking to Sirius, they call him "Sir." It's not like sir when you're talking to a man like respectfully it's an abbreviation of Sirius's name and pronounced as such.

Chapter Four

By the time James had a free night, the full moon was upon them once again.

"I can't go," Remus said. "I've got to go visit my mum."

"Why do you always pick such random days?" Sirius said.

"I don't. It's just…whenever my dad gets off work."

James sighed.

"Listen," Remus said. "You three just go without me. It doesn't bother me, really. You go out, have a good time. I don't always like the idea of sneaking off anyway."

So that night, James, Sirius, and Peter got under James's invisibility cloak and snuck out. Sirius insisted they take their secret passage into Hogsmeade and bring back some butterbeer for Remus when he returned. They slipped down beneath the beautiful full moon toward the Hog's Head and winced at the combination of screaming and howling that came from the old house on the hill. They took the cloak off as they neared the bar.

"Blimey, it sounds like someone's being attacked," James said. "I wonder why they don't do anything about it. You'd think they'd send someone to investigate."

"This happens all the time," said a voice from the side of the street. They turned, and an old man with a cane hobbled toward them. "We did send someone up, first time. Couldn't get in. No _Alohamora_, no nothing. It always stops by dawn. Had someone watch the house, day and night. No one ever came out. Shook us, it did, but we put it out of our minds. Then a few weeks later, same thing. Same thing, same thing. Every few weeks since September couple years ago. There've been no disappearances or anything, no complaints. We reckon they're ghosts. No one's inhabited the place in years. It's haunted."

James, Sirius, and Peter looked at each other. Sirius looked at the house as fresh screams emerged, and then they headed to the bar. They came closer to the house again on their way back to the school. They heard another howl and then more screaming and Sirius stopped suddenly. James and Peter stepped forward another step or two, unaware, and the cloak slipped off Sirius. James and Peter realized he was gone and turned to look at him. He was staring at the house, a confused look on his face, apparently listening intently.

"Sirius, what is it?"

"I thought…" Sirius said as the last scream died down. "Nothing." He shook his head as more howls came from the house. They lifted the cloak up to let Sirius back in, and then went back to the castle.

About a month or so later, Remus's friends were up in the library dong their Astronomy homework.

"Where's Remus?" Peter asked.

"Visiting his mum again, Peter, get with it."

"Sorry." A few minutes later, Peter looked down at his chart and pressed the end of his quill to his chin. "What phase is the moon going to be in tonight?"

"It's full," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"That's funny," James said.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"Well remember last time Remus went to see his mum, we snuck to Hogsmeade and that house was screaming? It was full moon then too."

"So?"

"Nothing. I just think it's funny that twice in a row Rem happens to go visit his mum on the night of the full moon."

"Yeah, you're right. You know what, I don't think those were the only times. The very first time, when we didn't know where he'd gone, it was full moon too."

"How the hell do you remember that?"

"Because I opened his hangings to see if he was there and I dropped something and it fell beneath the window and when I picked it up I saw the moon. I remember looking at it cos it was so white like a crystal ball and I thought maybe if I took Divination I'd know where Remus went."

James and Peter stared at him.

"It's true! The first time Remus left, the full moon September a couple of years ago."

" 'September a couple of years ago.' I feel like I've heard that before," Peter said.

"The old man in Hogsmeade," said James. "He said that's when the shrieking started, in that old house on the hill."

"He didn't say it happened at the full moon."

"But he said it happened regularly, every few weeks. That's how long a moon cycle is."

"What's any of this go to do with anything?" Peter asked. "Why are we even discussing this? What's the point?"

"I don't know," Sirius said. "But I think that it's every full moon that Remus goes away. I think something weird's going on with it."

"What?" James said. "Just because he happens to go visit his mum at the hospital every full moon? Are you even sure it's the full moon that he goes?"

"Pretty sure," Sirius said. "But the question is, why every full moon? Wouldn't it make more sense to go—"

"Remus said he goes on days when his dad gets off work."

"He might have been lying," Peter suggested.

"Why would he lie?" James demanded.

"Unless he's not going to visit his mum," Sirius said. "Maybe there's something else he's doing. Peter said he saw Rem's mum on the platform."

"Remus said that was his aunt."

"Did you see the way he looked when he said that though? It wasn't very convincing."

"What do you mean? He shouted!"

"Because he was scared we wouldn't believe him! If he was telling the truth, there'd have been no need to shout. And he wouldn't have looked so petrified when he was saying it."

"So you're calling Remus a liar? He's our mate!"

"I know!" Sirius said. "I'm not going to accuse him of anything. I think maybe he's just got a secret, and he wants to keep it a secret. There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone's got secrets; I've got secrets." At this point, Sirius actually blushed a bit and looked at the ground.

"All right," James said, sighing. "I'll stop playing devil's advocate, I think maybe you're right. Something's up with Remus."

"And it's got something to do with the full moon?" Peter asked.

"Obviously, since that's when he disappears."

"And you think it's got something to do with that house in Hogsmeade?" Sirius said eagerly.

"That seems far-fetched," James said. "I don't think there's enough of a connection. All we know is that one of the nights happened to be the same night as when Rem's gone, and it started about when we started school. It could be a coincidence. I mean, I know I said that the man said every few weeks and that's a moon cycle, but still…"

"There's something else," Sirius said. "That night in Hogsmeade…when we were walking back to school…"

"You stopped for a minute," Peter said.

"Exactly. It could be nothing, that's what I said, but…for a minute…the screaming sounded kind of like Rem's voice."

"Are you sure?"

"No. I could have been hearing things. I don't know."

"I still don't think it's enough of a connection," James said.

"You're probably right." Sirius shrugged and yawned.

"I don't know. But…like you said, he could be keeping a secret. Whatever it is, it's Rem's business. Maybe we should just leave it."

"Whatever it is, it bothers him, though," Sirius said. "You know how he always looks so bad after every time."

"I figured it was cos he hated seeing his mum sick, hated being in hospitals," said Peter.

"Whatever's going on, I hope it's not making him ill," James said.

"If we knew what it was, we might be able to help him," Sirius said.

"If there was anything we could do, he would have told us."

"Maybe there's something wrong with Rem."

"I hope not."

Remus returned pale and thin, but happy to be in the company of his friends again. Other than his painful transformations, his life was going fine. He was able to conquer the boggart the next time he faced it, he spent his time reliving the hug Sirius had given him, and a werewolf test was coming up in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Remus was completely confident he would get top marks.

James and Sirius occasionally wondered about, but did not again discuss, what happened to their friend. They knew they would need more clues, which they weren't finding, and since Remus seemed perfectly content, they let the matter rest.

James walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts on the day of the werewolf test feeling just as confident as Remus. This was his favorite subject, and he knew he usually did well in it.

The essay question: Describe all known symptoms of a werewolf.

_Easy,_ thought James. _They always transform at the full moon, I'll put that down. When it shines on their skin, they begin to grow fur. They howl and __attack—if they can. I'll go more into detail in the next paragraph I think. Like, I'll talk about how they attack people but not animals. And also if they can't find a person to attack, they attack their surroundings or themselves. Gee, that would really suck, having to attack __yourself__. Because I bet it would still hurt when they go back the next day. Oh yeah, writing introduction here. Let's see, they transform into almost normal being the next day when the moon goes down. They have little or no memory of the night before unless they do attack someone else. A lot of times (especially if they attack themselves I bet) they appear overly tired, sometimes ill and…Merlin's beard!_ James thought.

He let out an audible gasp, which he then disguised as a cough. He quickly scribbled down a few more paragraphs and a conclusion to his essay and turned it in, waiting impatiently for the class to end. When it finally did, James grabbed Sirius by the arm and pulled him into the nearest empty classroom, making sure Remus hadn't seen where they'd gone.

"I've got to talk to you."

"What is it?"

"It's Rem. He's…oh, we should have seen it! Sir, he's a werewolf!"

Sirius's face went blank. "What, Remus? A werewolf? No way."

"Way!" James insisted. "That's where he goes at the full moon. He needs to transform so he does it…he must do it in that house in Hogsmeade! That's what the villagers hear; it's him!"

"But James," Sirius said. "They tried getting in that house, no one could manage it. I don't think Remus could just sneak out of school every month and march through the door."

"There must be a secret passage then, like the one we found that goes into Honeydukes. We already decided there're probably more. So Remus knows about one that leads to the house on the hill."

"His boggart," Sirius said, suddenly comprehending. "It became the full moon! That's what it was, that's what he fears most! He ran away because he thought it might make him transform even though it's just a boggart. It makes sense. Blimey, Rem, a werewolf! I can't believe it, but I think you're right!"

"We've got to tell Peter," James said. "And then Remus. We can't know about it and not tell him we know."

"We can't tell anyone else, though," Sirius said. "It's Rem's secret. Maybe we shouldn't tell Peter until we tell Remus. He might blab."

"Yeah, you're right," James said. "We'll tell them both tonight, in the dormitory where no one else is around."

"All right," Sirius said. "How do you think we should go about it?"

"I don't know, we'll have to plan it. But in the mean time, we have to act completely normal around him and not let on that we know."

Remus noticed that Sirius and James seemed a bit different that afternoon and kept exchanging glances, but he didn't think it had anything to do with him. As a matter of fact, it crossed Remus's mind that it was something between the two of them, something they didn't want to talk about. It did nothing to boost his confidence.

That night they all went up to the dormitory at the same time. Remus and Peter were about to change into their pajamas when Sirius stopped them.

"Rem, Peter, come here a minute. Sit down," he said, pointing to his bed. Sirius and James sat on James's bed, while Remus and Peter sat across from them on Sirius's. Remus looked worried, Peter confused.

"Remus, we need to talk to you," James said.

"What is it?" Remus sounded extremely nervous.

"We…" James looked at Sirius for help.

"We _know_," Sirius said.

Remus, who'd been expecting something completely different, made his expression blank. "Know what?"

"Your secret."

Remus filled with dread. "Which one?" he said stupidly.

Sirius and James looked at each other and Sirius managed a chuckle.

"We know where you go every month at the full moon," James clarified.

"We do?" Peter said.

"What?" Remus said, determined to keep up the pretense until he had proof that they knew. "I go to visit my mum."

"You don't," James said. "You go to that house in Hogsmeade. You give the villagers a fright with the racket you make. Rem, you're a werewolf."

The words felt like a slap in the face.

"Remus's a werewolf?" Peter said.

"That's why your boggart…" Sirius said. "It's the moon. It all makes sense."

Remus stared at the floor. He felt contaminated, even more so than usual. They knew. They knew. He didn't know how they knew, but they _knew_. He hadn't even gotten through half his schooling, and they knew.

"Are you gonna deny it?" James said.

Remus shook his head. He wanted to die.

"Rem, it's true?" Peter said. "You're a werewolf?"

"You haven't told anyone, have you?" Remus asked miserably.

"What?"

"Why would we do that?" Sirius asked, shocked.

"Of course not," James said. "We wouldn't do that. You're our friend!"

"Still?"

"Of course!"

"But…I'm a werewolf."

"You're still the same guy, aren't you?"

"Yes, but…"

"But what? So you become a murderous monster once a month. Woman do that too, but we still like them," James said.

"Speak for yourself," said Sirius.

Remus smiled.

"The issue," James continued, while Peter attempted to work out what Sirius said, "Is not whether or not we're still your friends now that we know this new piece of information about you. The issue is what we're going to do about it."

"Are you talking about me or him?" Sirius asked.

"There's nothing new about what you just said," said James. "Everything doesn't always have to be about you."

"Fine, fine," Sirius said.

"What do you mean, 'what we're going to do about it'?" Remus asked. "There's nothing we can do. There's no cure for werewolf bites."

"I know that, but Rem, you go through this ordeal every month and it's got to be miserable."

"Yeah," Sirius cut it. "If there was a way we could…you know, support you…"

"But there isn't," Remus said, looking down. "There's nothing you can do. And if any of you ever came near me while I'm transformed, I'd bite you. I can't control it, I lose track of who I am, it's terrible."

"We'll think of a way," James said reassuringly. He got up, went over to Sirius's bed, and patted Remus's back. Sirius joined him.

Remus continued to look at the ground. He couldn't believe he was discussing his werewolfishness with his friends. But they were okay with it. They wanted to help and support him. They were comforting him. Sirius's hand was on his shoulder.

"I can't believe you guys," Remus said. He was nearly crying. He got off of Sirius's bed and onto his own, pulling the hangings around so his friends couldn't see him.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Remus underwent two more transformations before James pulled the four of them aside again one day.

"I've found a solution," he said, "To Remus's furry little problem."

Peter and Sirius laughed, but Remus furrowed his brow. "What do you mean?"

"Well, werewolves are only a danger to humans, right?"

"Right…"

"So if the three of us were animals, you wouldn't be able to hurt us, right?"

"But you're not animals."

"But we could be," James said excitedly. "We could become Animagi!"

Everyone just stared at him for a minute, and then Sirius's face broke into a smile. "James, that's brilliant!" he said. "That's bloody brilliant! How do you come up with these things?"

He stared at James in fascination for a minute while, predictably, Peter asked, "What's an Animagi?"

"An Animagus is a witch or wizard that can transform at will into an animal," Remus said, still looking at James. "But…how are you going to become Animagi? You're only thirteen."

"We'll figure it out," James said, waving his hand away as though logistics weren't important.

"James'll figure it out," Sirius said confidently, still grinning at him.

"So, what do you think, Remus?"

"I…it's you guys who'll be doing it. I already become an animal once a month without wanting to. If you can figure it out…but how do you know it will work?"

"You can't control yourself when you're a werewolf, can you? You're barely conscious of what's happening?"

"It's like something else takes over me."

"So that thing would only see three animals, not knowing we're really human. And even if it attacks anyway, werewolf bites won't affect us as animals."

"How do you know for sure?"

"I don't know, I just assume—"

"Well I don't think it's worth the risk," Remus said, his voice higher than usual. "Even if you do become Animagi, I'm not bringing any of you down there with me or telling you where I go until you have proof I can't hurt you. You guys…you don't know what it's like…how awful it is. I run into things, I hurt myself because there's no one else. It's the worst thing in the world, being a werewolf. It hurts, and it's not just the transformations. You feel like an outcast from society. You feel untrustworthy because you always have to lie to people. Every bit of it…it's awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. If I ever bit one of you…" he shuddered. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It's the most terrible—"

"Rem…"

He looked up. Sirius had finally taken his eyes away from James and was now looking warmly at Remus. His hand was on his shoulder. "Don't you see?" Sirius said. "That's why you need us. You've got this awful thing on your shoulders. Every month you go at it alone, and in between you still have to live with it. You need us, Rem."

"I'm not saying I don't want you to help me or be there for me," Remus said quickly. "I just don't want to put you in danger."

"We'll research Animagi," James said, causing attention to shift to him again. "We need to, if we want to become them. If we don't find something saying it's safe to be around a werewolf when you're transformed, we won't do it. Okay?"

Remus sighed and nodded. "Thank you," he remembered to add. "For doing all this."

Sirius put his arm around Remus's shoulders and squeezed before following James to the other side of the room.

Remus and his friends spent all their free time either wandering around the castle or researching Animagi and learning how to become them. They frequently snuck around at night under James's invisibility cloak exploring the castle and learning as much about it as they could. They found two more secret passages into Hogsmeade and decided to make an enchanted map of the school.

This was another one of James's brilliant ideas, the result of which being that Sirius paid him even more attention than usual for the next few days. They left for the summer holidays with more knowledge (most of it learned outside of class) than ever. Remus missed his friends over the summer, Sirius most of all, and wrote him letters, most of which he burnt rather than sent.

When school started up again, they couldn't get a compartment to themselves on the train, so sat with Lily Evans again. Remus chatted with her pleasantly for awhile, really watching James and Sirius across from him.

"Hey, Evans," James said out of nowhere, as though struck by a sudden inspiration.

"What?"

"Why don't you go out with me?"

"What?" she said again, this time looking appalled rather than curious.

"You know…go out with me."

"No!" she said. "Eww. I don't even like you, Potter. You're always trying to show off at everything you do, and you're always picking on Snape."

"Ahh, Snivelly deserves it."

"He does not."

"Fine, go out with him then. Leave me all alone."

"Go out with Sirius," Lily said, opening a magazine. "He likes you."

Sirius gave her the finger. She shrugged.

"Sirius knows I'm not into guys," James said, nonplussed. "Come on, Evans. Go out with me."

"No."

Remus looked from Sirius to James to Lily. Was it true, what she said? He'd always thought…but didn't want to think…Had Sirius reacted the way he had because it was true or because it wasn't true? And James…Everyone in the compartment was staring at everyone else except for Lily, who was reading her magazine.

Remus was sitting in bed reading that night when James came upstairs, temporarily giving up on asking Lily out. Sirius and Peter were already asleep.

"Woman are so stubborn," James said to Remus. Remus shrugged.

"James," came Sirius's voice from behind the hangings in his bed.

"I thought you were sleeping," Remus said.

"James," Sirius said again.

"What?" James said.

"James."

"Yeah, what do you want?"

"James," Sirius moaned.

"What is it?" James said forcefully, ripping open the hangings of Sirius's bed.

Sirius sat up, looking confused. "Nothing," he said after a minute, pulling the covers up to his chin and turning over. "Go to bed."

James rolled his eyes exaggeratedly and kicked Sirius's side to express his exasperation.

"Hey, don't kick me," Sirius said, getting up, blanket and all.

"What did you call me for then?" James said, walking toward his own bed.

"I don't know," Sirius said, bumping into James from the side and knocking him off-balance.

"You—" James said, and the two wrestled for a minute, Sirius keeping his blanket wrapped around him like a cloak. He laughed and got up, readjusted his blanket, and walked away.

"Where are you going?"

"Bathroom," Sirius said cheerfully.

Remus watched him go, and James shook his head before changing into his pajamas and going to bed.

"What was that all about?" Remus asked.

"I've no idea," James responded, shaking his head.

_I think I do,_ Remus thought, looking down.

Remus thought about Sirius, daydreamed about him, and sometimes night-dreamed about him, but Sirius barely seemed to notice he existed. They were still friends, of course, but whenever James was in the vicinity, Sirius's eyes tended to shift toward him halfway through the conversation. When James wasn't in the vicinity, Sirius would jump up at random intervals with a need to go find him.

Remus would always watch him go sadly before turning back to whatever he was doing. One night when James had detention and was therefore unreachable, Remus followed Sirius up to the dormitory, hoping to have an actual conversation with him.

When he got up there, he heard Sirius speaking clearly, as though to James, and James answered back.

"What the…" Remus said, climbing the rest of the stairs. Sirius was on his bed, speaking to something in his hand.

"Hey, Remus," Sirius said cheerfully, looking up.

"I thought I heard James," Remus said.

"You did," Sirius said in the same cheerful voice. He held up the thing he had been holding. It appeared to be a small square mirror, but James's face was in it.

"Hey, Rem," James said in the same tone as Sirius. "Listen, Sir," he said. "I'd better go…sounds like McGonagall's coming back. I'll call you when it's safe to talk again."

"Brilliant," Sirius said. "See you, James."

"Bye." James's face disappeared from the mirror.

"What was that?" Remus asked Sirius, walking over to his bed.

"Two-way mirror. I gave the other one to James last Christmas." He sighed happily and looked down at the mirror, though it now showed only the ceiling.

"Do you love him?" Remus blurted out before he could stop himself.

"What?"

Remus sighed. He hadn't meant to say it, but now that he had…and he was aching to know the truth. "James," Remus said. "Do you love him? It just seems like…everything you do…"

"Oh," Sirius said, smiling. "See, it's not like that. We…we're just friends, we've always been. Best friends, yeah, but nothing beyond platonic. James isn't into that. He likes girls."

"He could like both," Remus pointed out.

"Yeah, right." There was a bitterness in his voice, but Remus missed it in defense of his position.

"It could be," Remus insisted. "Some people are like that. I am."

Sirius smiled at Remus. "Really? I always wondered what you were into. Do you like someone then?"

Remus shrugged and looked away from Sirius. "Everyone likes someone," he muttered.

"Will you tell me who it is?"

"No."

"Can I guess?"

Remus hesitated. "Promise you won't laugh?"

"Not possible."

"Sirius!"

"All right, I won't laugh. Who is it?"

Remus shrugged.

"Is it a guy?"

Shrug.

"Is it a girl?"

Remus shook his head.

"So it is a guy?"

Shrug.

"Someone in our year?"

Shrug.

"Is it James?"

"No."

"Peter?"

"No!"

"That good-looking guy on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team?"

"No."

"That Hufflepuff with blonde hair?"

"Don't you know anyone's name?"

"No, not really."

"Typical."

"It's not Snivellus, is it?"

"Of course not. Though I do feel sorry for him when you and James tease him."

"Don't change the subject, who do you fancy?"

Remus shrugged.

"Is it someone in Hufflepuff?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe yes or maybe no?"

Remus shrugged.

"You know, you're making this very difficult."

"Maybe that's the point," Remus said, meeting Sirius's eye for the first time.

"What, is it me?"

Remus turned red, involuntarily abandoning pretense.

"What, it's me? Really? You fancy me?"

Knowing his complexion gave him away anyway, Remus nodded.

Sirius laughed.

"You promised you wouldn't laugh!" Remus said indignantly.

"No, I think it's brilliant!" Sirius said.

"What?"

"You like me. A _guy_ actually likes me. It's bloody awesome. I love it! I've never had a guy like me before!" He laughed again.

"I'm glad you're taking it well," Remus said uncertainly.

Sirius stopped laughing and smiled. "So will you go out with me then?"

"I…what?"

"Go out. You know. You, me. Hogsmeade, perhaps?"

"You're serious?"

"That's what me mum named me."

Remus rolled his eyes hastily. "I mean, you mean it?"

"Why would I ask you out if I didn't mean it?"

"To make fun of me."

Sirius rolled his eyes and sat down on the bed next to Remus. "Rem, when have I ever made fun of you?"

Remus shrugged.

"You're my second-best friend. I'd never want to hurt you. I want to go out with you, Rem. I think it'd be awesome."

"Really?"

"Yes! Really! So what do you say?"

"Of course!" Remus smiled.

"Brilliant! You, me, next Hogsmeade weekend. I can't wait to tell James!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"Peter, James," Sirius said smugly the next evening. "I've got some fantastic news. Well, fantastic for me news. Too bad for you news."

"Get to the point, already," James said.

"Rem and I won't be joining you in Hogsmeade next weekend. Me and him are going in together by ourselves."

"Why?" Peter asked, while James said at the same time, "What do you mean?"

"Some of us," Sirius raised his chin, "are blessed with the exclusive ability to successfully ask someone out." He smiled smugly, as though Remus was some sort of catch.

"You mean, 'out' out?"

Sirius nodded.

"Well that's great," James said. "About time you found someone, Sirius. Rem, I didn't know you fancied blokes."

"I fancy both," Remus said shyly.

"Well congratulations," James said. "Good. Maybe this way I'll be alone long enough to talk to Evans without one of your smart comments."

"Hey, she's the one with the smart comments," Sirius said.

"Yeah, she's so clever," James said, smiling and looking up.

Sirius and Remus watched him for a minute, and then smiled at each other. The two did that often before their date. Remus was shier and quieter than usual, but confident Sirius had taken to flirting with him.

After breakfast on the morning of, Sirius and Remus said goodbye to James and Peter and headed down to Hogsmeade, occasionally stealing glances at each other but not catching each other's eye or talking.

Once they were in the village, Sirius abandoned pretense, rolled his eyes at Remus, and grabbed his hand. The crossing of that barrier made conversation easier. They walked around the shops and chatted, smiling at each other. When the time came, they went to a café for some lunch.

Remus felt special having Sirius all to himself. For once Sirius was actually interested in _him_, talking to him for him, not just someone to talk to when James was busy.

After lunch they took another turn around the street before heading back to the castle. Before they went in, Sirius turned to Remus and smiled at him. "Thank you for coming out with me," Sirius said. "I had a really good time."

Remus smiled. "Me too."

Sirius leaned closer to Remus and kissed him on the cheek. Remus stared at Sirius, barely daring to breathe.

They breathed and stared at each other, and a voice came from below.

"See," James said. "Why can't I just go up and do that to Evans?"

Sirius stepped back a bit from Remus. "What are you doing here?"

"We didn't think you'd be back up here yet," James said, shrugging. He grinned. "So, how was your date?"

"I think you did enough spying to see for yourself," Remus said, blushing.

Sirius grinned at him. "I didn't know you liked watching guys making out," he said to James, causing Remus to blush even more.

"Well, have you finished? Let's go back to the common room, play Exploding Snap or something."

"Well, I think Rem's face might catch fire if I move an inch closer to him in your presence, so yeah, we might as well. Come on, Rem," he said, tugging on his hand.

Over the next few weeks, the only change in Sirius and Remus's relationship was that Sirius flirted with Remus more and touched him more. Also, when he was having a conversation that included both Remus and James, he paid equal attention to each of them.

Remus was sleeping peacefully one night when he was shaken awake. He opened his eyes and saw Sirius standing over him.

"What is it?"

"Come on. We're going for a walk."

"What? Are you serious?"

"That's what me—"

"It's midnight!" Remus said, consulting his watch.

"So?"

"I'm sleeping!"

"Yeah, I noticed. But remember what we made today in Potions? An Alertness Potion? I nicked some before the end of class. One teaspoon of this and you'll be up for hours."

"I don't want to be up for hours."

"Not even with me?" Sirius gave him a puppy dog look.

Remus hesitated. "No offense, Sir, but I don't know if I trust your potion-making. What if you poison me by accident?"

"Rem, you're forgetting something."

"What?"

"I'm brilliant."

"Not at Potions you're not. I—"

"No, but I'm brilliant at life," Sirius interrupted. "This isn't my potion. I stole it from Snivellus. He's a hell of a bugger, but he knows what he's doing when it comes to Potions."

"But," Remus said, determined to find a loophole. "How are we gonna sneak out? We'll get caught. We're not allowed in the corridors at night."

"Never stopped us before."

"Before we had James with us, and the invisibility cloak."

"As do we now," Sirius said, whipping it out. "Told him I fancied a midnight stroll with you, and he let me borrow it."

Remus looked around the room, trying to think of something else to protest to. Finally he smiled. "Yeah, all right," he said. "I'll go with you."

"Brilliant! Here, take this, put on something warm, let's go!"

"Put on something warm?" Remus said. "What, we're going outside?"

"Of course."

"It's winter!"

"Why do you think I said, 'put on something warm'?"

"Sirius!"

"Shut up, don't wake James and Peter. Come on, Rem. We never get any time to ourselves. You said you'd go out with me. That's what we're doing—going out. Or don't you like me anymore?"

Remus was taken aback. "Of course I—"

"Then let's go."

Remus rolled his eyes and changed into warmer clothes, behind his bed hangings because he was sure Sirius was watching him. He took the potion Sirius gave him and immediately felt wide awake and full of energy. "All right then, let's go," he said cheerfully to Sirius.

"About time," Sirius said. He pulled the invisibility cloak over them and grabbed Remus's hand. They headed downstairs and out into the corridors.

"So, where, exactly, are we going?" Remus asked Sirius.

"Hogsmeade," Sirius said simply. "It's beautiful by night, and abandoned. A bit romantic, don't you think?"

Remus blushed, but Sirius squeezed his hand. They headed down toward one of their secret passages, but heard footsteps as they turned a corner. Remus gasped and Sirius put his hand over his mouth.

"Shh!" Sirius hissed. "I bet it's Turd!"

Mrs. Tard was the witch who patrolled the corridors at night, making sure students weren't wandering about.

A loud cackling sound came from behind them, and Remus and Sirius realized that Peeves the Poltergeist must be around.

"Okay, maybe it's Peeves, then."

"Peeves doesn't walk," Remus whispered. "There's someone else, too."

The footsteps continued, and the tall but plump figure of Mrs. Tard appeared in the hallways. "Who's there?" she said. "Peeves, is that you?"

Peeves began to cackle again. "Turdy turdy turdy turd," he sang. "Nothing smells worse than a turd." He cackled again and became visible, right behind Remus and Sirius. Again, Remus gasped and Sirius covered his mouth.

"Peeves!" Mrs. Tard said, hitching up her skirt to run at him. Remus and Sirius moved out of the way quickly, but when Mrs. Tard swung her broom at Peeves, it hit Sirius in the back of the head.

"Ow!" Sirius said, and Remus covered his mouth.

Peeves and Mrs. Tard both stopped in their tracks. "Who's there?" Mrs. Tard asked.

Their hands over each other's mouths so they couldn't talk and their hands holding so they would move together, Sirius tugged and they edged away. Mrs. Tard and Peeves were both staring straight at them, but neither could see them. Mrs. Tard reached her hand out, and they quickly moved out of her reach.

She continued to look around and feel around, but Sirius and Remus were soon past her into another corridor, and down a flight of stairs. Once they were certain they had lost her, Sirius started laughing. After a minute, Remus joined in.

"Oh my god," Remus said. "That was so close!"

"I know," Sirius said, clutching his side. "It was brilliant!"

Sirius and Remus grinned at each other under the cloak, and then Sirius put his arm around Remus's waist, pulling him closer.

"Come on," Sirius said. "Let's go. We'll use the secret passage on the third floor, ensure we don't run into Turd again."

"The one that comes out in Honeydukes? How'll we—"

"Don't worry, I've got a plan. Trust me, Rem."

Remus smiled grimly. "Half the times I've 'trusted you' so far have landed me in detention."

Sirius grinned. "Been worth 'em, though. Come on. I know what I'm doing."

Sirius steered Remus up another flight of stairs, and they went down the passage that led to the cellar of Honeydukes. They got there and crept carefully up the stairs into the abandoned store full of sweets.

"I'm tempted to steal some, to be honest."

"Sirius!"

"All right, all right, fine. Well, let's go then." He pointed his want at the front door. "_Alohamora._" The lock clicked open.

"Hold on," Remus said, putting out an arm to keep Sirius from moving. "Look." He pointed at the bell above the door, which would ring when the door was opened.

"Yeah, I know," Sirius said confidently. He pointed his wand at the bell, said, "_Silencio_," and pulled the door open, holding it out for Remus. The bell moved when he opened the door, but it did not make a sound. Sirius escorted Remus through the door, and he stared at him in disbelief. "What?" Sirius said, grinning.

"You can do a Silencing Charm?"

Sirius's grin broadened. "The bell didn't ring, did it?"

"That's an O.W.L. level spell!"

Sirius raised his chin in pride. "I told you I'm brilliant."

"I could kiss you."

"Go on, then."

Remus blushed. "I can't."

"Later, then," Sirius said confidently.

Remus's blush deepened, but Sirius just smiled. "Come on," he said, putting his arm around Remus's waist. "Our walk, then."

They walked close down the quiet empty streets, the cloak off so they wouldn't be so confined. The winter air was cold, but in heavy clothing and walking close together, they were able to stay warm. They went past the shops and toward the house on the hill where Remus came to transform. It was quiet, even peaceful in the still night beneath the half-moon. They had a beautiful view of the calm snowy village and the clear sky.

"How do you get in?" Sirius asked, staring at the house.

"I can't tell you," Remus said, shaking his head. He looked down at the ground. They shouldn't have come up here. This place held only sad memories.

"Hey," Sirius said, poking Remus's shoulder. "Forget about it. C'mere. It's been awhile since I've looked at you properly."

Sirius took a step closer to Remus, who looked at him and smiled. Sirius was so good-looking, even more so in the moonlight. While at eleven he'd been merely cute, his features had developed since then and he was now as handsome as ever. His hair was black and long, and his bangs fell into his gorgeous eyes just right.

Sirius put his left hand firmly on Remus's waist while his right played with Remus's hair.

"You're so cute," Sirius said, stroking Remus's cheek.

"Me? I'm not cute," Remus said, looking down.

"Yes you are," Sirius said. He continued caressing Remus's soft cheek until Remus looked up from the ground and his bright eyes met Sirius's.

Not letting go of either his waist or the side of his face, Sirius took a step closer to Remus and leaned in toward him. His forehead back and his eyes closed, Sirius pressed his lips to Remus's. He did it very lightly, gently, and pulled back after only a couple of seconds, still holding on to him.

Remus breathed heavily as he stared at Sirius. Then he smiled. He couldn't help it. That was so cool, so brilliant, so amazing. Only in his dreams did he ever think he'd kiss Sirius Black. He felt as shy as he'd ever felt, but he was beaming.

Sirius smiled back. "You like that?"

"Yeah," Remus said shyly, looking down for a second before meeting Sirius's eye again. He chuckled a bit, just at the situation.

Sirius did as well, letting go of Remus's cheek to put his other hand on his waist. "You want to do it again?"

Remus nodded. He put his hands on his shoulders, while Sirius tightened his grip on Remus's waist and kissed him again, deeper this time. They kissed for a few minutes, but then Remus had to pull back because he'd begun to laugh.

"What is it?" Sirius said indignantly.

"It's not you," Remus said quickly, struggling to breathe for laughing. "It's…" he began to laugh again and Sirius stared at him as he struggled to regain his composure. "Okay," Remus said. "Do you remember on the train at the beginning of third year, I was all moody because Peter saw my mum and I was pretending she was ill?"

"Yeah. You shouted at us. The only time I've ever heard you raise your voice."

"Right. And then you offered me a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean to cheer me up and…" he started laughing again.

"You said you liked it," Sirius said, continuing the story. "You said it was fantastic, but you didn't know what it was. You were disappointed because you wanted more of it but couldn't because you didn't know what it was."

"I've found it," Remus said. "It's you, Sirius. The bean tasted like you."

Sirius scoffed at him, though he was still smiling. "That was a year and a half ago. You can't remember that."

"I think so."

"Well you can't be sure," Sirius said. "Unless you get another one of those beans."

"Well in the meantime, I think I'll settle for the real thing," Remus said bravely.

Sirius grinned at him, put his arms around him so they were pressed together, and began kissing him again. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius's neck and kissed back. They held each other, kissing, until flakes of snow falling on their faces brought them back to Earth.

"Do you know what time it is?" Remus asked. "Maybe we'd better head back to the castle."

"Yeah, all right," Sirius said, though he looked disappointed. They went back through one of the other passages they'd found, one that did not require breaking and entering, and went back upstairs to their dormitory.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Remus and Sirius were almost inseparable after that. Though James and usually Peter were still with them most of the time, Sirius was much easier to persuade to go off alone with Remus than he had been before. They would go off to an empty classroom, a secret passageway, or occasionally the dormitory to make out. In addition, Sirius would put his arm around Remus's waist almost every time they were walking somewhere.

Life had never been better for Remus. He had a boyfriend. He had other friends who cared about him and supported him. His transformations were more bearable when he could return to life the next day and be with Sirius and James and Peter. In addition, the three of them were making progress becoming Animagi. They spent some break times researching it in the library, or checking books out and coming to one of their secret passages to practice. One of these such days shortly after the return from the Easter holidays, James sprouted antlers. The other three spent about ten minutes rolling around on the floor with laughter, but after he had recovered, this lowered Remus's hopes rather than raising them. Even if his friends did manage to become animals, he still couldn't trust that he wouldn't infect them. However, the three seemed to be having fun, especially as they made more progress (soon Sirius could grow fur whenever he wanted and Peter could get a tiny tail).

In addition, the foursome often spent nights sneaking out around the castle, working on their map. These nights were filled with excitement, especially on the rare nights when they found a new secret passage. They had now discovered five that actually led into various parts of Hogsmeade, and numerous others within the castle itself.

One evening's discovery, however, made that day one of the best in Remus's life.

"Remus!" James shouted, bounding over to him from the portrait hole to the other side of the common room. "Remus, c'mere, you've got to see this!" He grabbed Remus's wrist and dragged him out through the corridor.

"Where're we going?" Remus asked.

"Library!" was all James said, but it enabled Remus to move on his own. They ran up the stairs and over to a table where Peter was sitting and a large, heavy book lay open.

"See?!" James said triumphantly, pointing to a passage. Remus read:

_Transformed werewolves (like other animals) are not fully aware that an Animagus is actually a human, but they can sense a difference and know that he or she is now who he or she seems. Werewolves may or may not attack a transformed Animagus, but if they do, their bites do not contaminate the transformed Animagus unless he or she is only partially transformed._

"See?" James said excitedly. "It means you can't hurt us! We're good!"

"That's…" Remus said, and a wave of light-headedness took over him for a second. "That's brilliant. I don't believe it."

"You see?" James said. "Now all we've got to do is keep practicing until we can manage it completely, and then we'll be able to go with you. Hey Evans, wanna go out with me?"

Lily had appeared from behind a bookshelf. "No," she said haughtily. "I came to see what all the shouting was about."

"I'll let you know when it's your business."

She raised her eyebrows. "You'll never get me out with that attitude," she said before walking away.

"Women," James said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah," Remus agreed. "Men are easier. Speaking of which, does Sirius know yet? He'll be excited. He's been trying to get me to tell him the entrance to the house of the hill for ages. I think he wants to—" Remus blushed and did not finish his sentence.

"We all know what Sirius wants to do," James said. "Not exactly subtle, is he?"

Remus didn't answer. He remembered last week in Potions when Slughorn had instructed one person from each table to come up and get some of the dead cockroaches on his desk for the whole table to use. When James had gotten up to get the cockroaches, Sirius had whined loudly, "Oh. How come I never get any? I wanna get some." Since then he'd made this comment every cockroach-included lesson.

"Anyway, there's no way he can know, yet. I've just seen it now and he's in detention. We can tell him tonight."

"Okay," Remus said cheerfully. Everything suddenly seemed brighter. His friends were going to be able to turn into animals and come help him with his transformations. For once he would actually have company. He wouldn't be alone to attack himself. As soon as they could fully transform, they would do it. Remus could barely believe it.

"I love you guys," Remus said, shaking his head. "I can't believe you're doing all this for me. It's incredible. Thank you. So much."

"Don't mention it, mate," James said, patting his back.

Peter joined him. "As soon as we've got it completely," he said.

Sirius was ecstatic when they told him. Immediately he asked for the location of the entrance to the house on the hill, but Remus shook his head. "Not until you three've got it completely. I don't want you sneaking in to see me before you're ready."

"Honestly," Sirius said. "A whole house that only you have access to. I'm sure it can be put to other uses—"

But James cut him off. "Rem's right. I think we should focus all our energy on learning to transform completely. We've almost got it—we can even tell what animals we're becoming now—" Sirius grinned at Peter. "—and the sooner we get it, the better."

"All right," Sirius said. "For Rem."

James and Peter agreed. "For Rem."

Remus blushed.

However, soon their end-of-the-year exams upon them, and they had to spend time studying, so they couldn't practice Animagus or explore the castle.

Remus escaped the noise of the common room and crowds of the library by slipping up to his dormitory one night.

"Hey," Sirius said, appearing at the doorway.

"Hey," Remus said, looking up.

Sirius came over, sat down on the bed next to Remus, and kissed him. "I love you," Sirius said.

"I loved you first," Remus said. They'd begun saying 'I love you,' to each other a couple months previous, soon after they'd first kissed.

"What are you reading?" Sirius asked.

"_One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi_."

"You're fine at Herbology."

"No, it's for Potions."

"You're fine at that, too."

"Not at making them."

"Reading won't help that. You know all the theory stuff, the ingredients and their properties. Reading about them again and again will only frustrate and confuse you."

"Well what else do you think I should do right now?" Remus asked. Before Sirius could even smile, Remus said, "Forget I asked that. I know the answer."

"I didn't say anything," Sirius said indignantly. Remus simply smiled. "Actually," Sirius said. "I was hoping we could take a study break."

"Are you joking?"

"No."

"Exams are tomorrow!"

"So what? We know it all. Besides, it's not like they're O.W.L.'s or N.E.W.T.'s. I mean, they're still important, don't get me wrong," he added, catching the look on Remus's face. "But, like I said, we know it all. Nothing else will help."

Remus shook his head.

"James and Peter are both in detention," Sirius said, trying a different tactic.

Remus looked up immediately, his eyes wide. "They are?"

Sirius nodded vigorously. Remus pushed his book onto the floor and leaned forward into Sirius. Their lips were an inch apart when Remus pulled back. "Wait a minute," he said. "What are they in detention for?"

"Charming the notes on the blackboard so that the incantation for Cheering Charms got mixed up with the one for Banishing Charms, and half the class sent their partners flying across the room." He grinned reminiscently.

"_You_ and James did that, not Peter!"

"Yeah, but I convinced Peter to tell Flitwick it was him," he said. "I told him I had someone—I mean, some_thing_—to do."

"Sirius!"

"What? Oh, don't give me that look, Remus; don't pretend you don't want it like eight times as bad as I do."

"I won't, but…"

"But what?"

"I don't know," Remus said, shrugging. "I hadn't planned anything else to say next. I figured I'd get interrupted."

"So have you got anything, then? A single reason why we shouldn't?"

Remus smiled. "No. I want to. I hoped it would just happen, without talking about it beforehand."

"Well shut up then. It's hard to kiss you when you're talking."

"Okay."

"Let's go."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Remus missed Sirius about eighty times as much that summer as he had for the others, but kept himself going with the knowledge they would spend much more time together once school started up again than they had before.

However, he wasn't entirely right about that, despite the fact that Sirius was overjoyed to see him at the beginning of the year, and they often snuck off in the evenings after classes. First of all, Remus had been made a prefect, so he had to sit in the prefects' carriage on the train. And that was only the beginning.

A few weeks into school, they used cockroaches again in Potions, and Slughorn instructed the class to 'come up and get some.' James stood up, and he and Peter grinned at Sirius, waiting for him to comment. He didn't. "Uh, Sir?" James said. "That was your cue. Aren't you gonna complain?"

"No," Sirius said, shaking his head without looking up from the Potions book on his desk. "No, I'm good, thanks."

James and Peter then glanced at Remus, who was hiding his red face behind his book.

"Since when?" James demanded, but Sirius merely shrugged.

"Boys," Slughorn called. "Come on, get your ingredients. The potions aren't going to make themselves."

Neither James nor Peter said anything else on the subject, but they glanced over at Sirius and Remus more often than usual. As if that weren't enough to prove his point, when they all went to bed that night, Sirius crawled into Remus's bed beside him, slipping an arm around his waist. Remus looked over his shoulder at Sirius, a questioning glance on his face.

"I missed you all summer," Sirius said, stroking Remus's hair. "I want to spend as much time with you as I can."

"Excuse me," James said. "There are two other people in the room. We have eyes and ears."

"I'm not doing anything!" Sirius said indignantly. "I'm just lying here. It's no different from if I were lying in my own bed. I'm not gonna do anything with you two here."

"All right," James said. "Just…don't."

Remus was torn between feeling special and feeling embarrassed. He chose the former, convincing himself there was nothing wrong with what he and Sirius did. All they did in public was put their arms around each other anyway, and this right now…well, this wasn't much more than that, only lying down.

Sirius wrapped his arm tighter around Remus, digging his head into his neck. He couldn't help wondering why James wasn't too keen on him sharing Remus's bed, but knew it couldn't mean what he thought it might. After all, he'd had no problem when they were snogging each other. Rather than jump to conclusions. Sirius decided he'd wait to see if James's reaction changed, and then ask him.

It didn't, though. James didn't seem to want to be around Sirius and Remus when they were together. He gave them reproachful looks and turned away. Sirius felt hurt, and torn between wanting to be with James and wanting to be with Remus. He decided to confront him.

One night Sirius met James at the Quidditch pitch after his practice to walk him back to the common room.

"Hey."

"Hey. What are you doing here?"

"I want to talk to you. Recently you've been…you don't…seem too thrilled about the me and Remus thing. Just wondering if there was a reason why."

"Oh," James said. "No. It's just…weird is all."

"What's weird about it?" Sirius said fiercely.

"No, no, not that," James said, putting his hands up. "I didn't mean that. I'm fine with that. It's just that the idea of my two best mates sleeping together takes some getting used to."

"It doesn't bother you, does it? Me being with him?"

"Of course not. Why would it bother me?"

"I don't know. Just…" Sirius shrugged.

James smiled. "I think you're lucky. Evans won't even go out with me, let alone…you know."

Sirius didn't particularly like the idea of James 'you know'-ing with Lily. He sighed. "I guess I know what you mean. It's weird to think about."

"Mate, do what you want," James said. "That doesn't bother me. I just need to get used to it. I should have realized earlier it was only a matter of time before it got more serious—don't you say a word—between you two. And another thing…you're so…obvious about it. Have you ever considered the idea that maybe Remus doesn't want the world to know? He's fond of secrets, you know."

"Since when are you and Peter, 'the world'? And it's not like I ever came right out and said it."

"You did as good as. But seriously, did you talk to him about it?"

"No."

"You do love him, don't you?"

Sirius was taken aback. "You don't want to know about what I do with him, but you come right out and ask if I love him."

"The two are different. Do you?"

"Yes, I think it's obvious, the way I act around him."

"Not necessarily," James cut in. "I just said they're different."

"But I do love him," Sirius insisted. "I tell him so."

"Then it doesn't bother you that you do these things without considering his feelings?"

"You don't understand," Sirius said desperately. "I have to. I have to touch him when I'm with him. I had to tell you guys so you'd understand when I started sleeping in his bed. And I need to lie with him at night, James. I didn't the first few weeks, but I have to. You wouldn't understand. I only do things because I need to. I do love him, James. It's because I love him that I need to be with him."

"Okay, okay," James said. "All right. Make sure he knows that."

"I can't stop thinking about him," Sirius said. "I need to be with him. Let's hurry up and get to the common room. I haven't seen him in awhile."

Despite the constant attention from him, Remus thought that Sirius seemed to be in two different worlds. There was his Remus world and his James world. When he was alone with Remus, Sirius was in his Remus world. He would smile at him fondly and always kiss him and touch him. But whenever James was in the room, Sirius would slowly shift out of his Remus world and into his James world. He still kept his arm around Remus's waist when he could, and still paid some attention to him, but his main focus was always on James.

The only time Sirius's James world bothered Remus was when they had to pick partners in class. Sirius always chose James. Remus never said anything and didn't mind working with Peter, but he couldn't help wondering if Sirius would ever just look at him and think, _I'd rather work with Remus today_.

Remus tried not to mind. James was Sirius's best friend, after all. And whenever Remus was alone with Sirius, Sirius told him how much he loved him, and Remus felt reassured. Whenever they were together, the amount of affection Sirius showed toward Remus drove doubt from his mind. He was determined for it to. Sirius was entitled to a best friend. He cared for them equally, just in different ways. He loved James as a best friend, Remus as a boyfriend. Remus was the one whose bed he slept in at night.

The four friends still often spent their nights exploring the castle or practicing to become Animagi. They discovered another secret passage to Hogsmeade, making a total of six so far. They knew there was at least one more, the one Remus used to get to the house on the hill, but he still refused to tell them its location until they learned to transform completely.

They were almost there, too. They could transform almost completely during each practice, only missing one or two small body parts, such as a nose or a finger. Predictably, James was the first one to get it completely. One evening just after the most recent full moon, he became a stag, with a full stag body. All his hooves were complete hooves with no toes sticking out anywhere. Remus was careful to inspect every inch of him completely before accepting that he'd succeeded, but still insisted he continue to transform back and forth for the rest of the night, to ensure that he could do it every time.

"But I know I got it completely, though," James said confidently when they went back upstairs. "I could feel it. It feels different, when you've got it completely."

Sirius was inconsistent. He got it one time, but couldn't do it right after that. He insisted he'd felt different like James said when he first got it, but Remus was convinced he'd just overlooked something.

It was one night to full moon before Sirius got it completely again. He turned into a giant dog, fur the color of his hair. Knowing for sure he had it completely, he transformed back and forth before running around in a circle, barking. He ran into Peter, knocking him off his feet. Then he ran up to James, put his paws on his shoulders, and licked his face.

"Okay, c'mere, you," Remus said. "I need to look at you and make sure you're all dog."

Sirius barked, but obediently stood still for Remus's inspection. When he passed, he pounced on Remus, knocking him on his back. He climbed over him, sat down on him, and started licking him on the face. Then he transformed back into a human, still on top of Remus, but now kissing him deeply instead of licking him. His hands were on Remus's waist, unable to reach his butt because the floor was in the way. Remus was kissing back, holding the back of Sirius's neck.

"If you two would stop snogging for a fraction of a second," James said loudly.

"What?" Sirius said impatiently, pushing up only a little bit.

James gestured to his hand, where he was holding a squirming gray rat by the tail.

"Peter's done it?" Sirius said incredulously, getting the rest of the way up.

"Looks like it," James said.

Peter squeaked.

Sirius helped Remus up, and James dropped peter in his hands. Remus looked him over and nodded. "He's all rat."

"Do it again, Peter," James said.

Remus put Peter down on the ground, where he changed back to a human and then again to a rat a few times until Remus was satisfied.

"Brilliant," he said, sitting down on the ground. "I can't believe it. Tomorrow's full moon, and I…I'll have company. I'll have help. I don't believe it."

"Believe it, Rem," Sirius said, sitting down beside him and rubbing his back. "So," he said briskly. "Where _is_ the entrance to the seventh passage of Hogwarts, the one that leads to the house on the hill?"

Remus grinned. James and Peter sat down as well, looking at him expectantly.

"It's the Whomping Willow," Remus said. "There's a hole in the ground next to it. You just go down there, walk a ways, and you're in the house."

"_That's_ why we never found it on our own," James said, slapping his knee. "Never would have thought to go near that tree. You could get killed."

"That's why it's there," Remus explained. "So no one could find it by accident and walk in on me while I'm…you know."

"So how do you get in then?" Peter asked. "Without being beaten up?"

"There's a knot in the trunk," Remus explained. "When you press the knot, the tree freezes. You can get through."

The three exchanged awed looks with one another.

"We can finish the map, then," James said, taking it out of his pocket. After muttering, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he tapped the spot on the grounds where the Whomping Willow was with his wand, and traced a line leading off the edge of the map toward Hogsmeade. "There," he said. "It's done. The map is complete." And what a map it was. Not only did it show the entire school, including all secret passages and instructions on how to get in them if necessary, it also showed every single person within the castle at their exact location, labeled with a dot and their name.

"That's brilliant," Sirius said, staring at the map.

"I've just been wondering," James said. "What are we going to do with it once we leave school?"

"We'll have to leave it," Sirius said. "For future generations with a yearning for illegal exploration inside them. Something this incredible can't be used for two years and then never heard of again."

"That's what I was thinking," James said. "Others after us need to be able to discover this place's secrets, with our help."

"We should get credit for it, though," Peter said.

"We'll sign it," Sirius said simply.

"We can't," Remus interrupted. "If it were ever found, we'd get in so much trouble."

"We won't use our real names, then," James said. "We'll use nicknames."

"What nicknames?"

"We'll give each other nicknames," James said. "Based on our transformations. Remus transforms at the full moon. We'll call him, 'Moony.'"

Remus smiled.

"I've got the perfect name for you," Sirius said, snapping his fingers and pointing at Peter. "Worm. Tail."

James and Remus laughed.

Wormtail smiled grimly and attempted to think of an equally funny name for Sirius. When he couldn't, he simply copied him and named him after a body part preceded by a description. "You can be Padfoot," Wormtail said.

"Okay, just James left," Sirius said. "You name him, Moony. You haven't gotten to do anyone yet."

Remus thought for a moment. "Prongs," he said.

James smiled. "I like it."

"Okay. Let's sign it, then."

"And we've got to give it a name," Remus added.

"The Map?" Peter suggested.

"It has to have something connected to its use, or to us," Sirius said.

"How about 'The Marauder's Map'?" said Remus. "That's what we are, after all, and what anyone who uses it will become."

"Any objections to 'The Marauder's Map'?"

Sirius and Wormtail shook their heads.

"Cool," James said. He tapped the map with his wand a few times, muttered some things, wiped it blank, and brought it up again. This time, however, instead of going straight to the map, the parchment first read:

_Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs_

_Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers_

_are proud to present_

THE MARAUDER'S MAP

"Brilliant," Sirius said, grinning.

Remus tapped him. "Hey," he said. "I know you wanted…for a long time. Now you know. We can go, if you want."

Sirius jumped up. "Well, I've certainly had fun tonight. It's been great. But unfortunately, I must depart. Remus and I have some very important business to attend to."

Remus put his face in his hands. James rolled his eyes. "Must you two always be running off together?"

"Well, Prongs, you're welcome to come too, if you want. You don't mind, do you, Rem?"

Remus looked up sharply from his hands and glared at Sirius, clearly hurt.

"Sirius, you shouldn't have said that," James said seriously.

"Oh, come on," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "I was just kidding."

"I'm going to bed," Remus said miserably, getting up and heading toward the door.

"Oh, Rem, come on," Sirius said, getting up and grabbing his hand. "Don't go, I didn't mean it. Come here," he said, putting his arms around him. Remus put his head on Sirius's shoulder and held him. "I love you," Sirius said. "I didn't mean it."

Remus didn't respond, but when Sirius kissed him, he pulled back sooner than he would have.

"Maybe we should all go to bed," James said. "It's very late."

Remus and Peter nodded, and the four got under James's invisibility cloak (it was much easier for them to fit when Wormtail became a rat) and went up to their dormitory. After some hesitation, Sirius climbed in beside Remus and slipped his arms around him. "I love you," he said again. Remus merely nodded. He knew he couldn't stay up thinking. Tomorrow was full moon. He needed rest. Anyway, he was exhausted. Remus fell asleep rather quickly, but it was a troubled sleep.

Sirius, on the other hand, lied awake. He felt so stupid, even scared. Why had he said that? He hadn't meant to say it; it had just slipped out. But things like that weren't supposed to slip out. He loved _Remus_. He loved Remus. He couldn't think about the boy two beds away from him; he had to think about the one in his arms. It would be different if he didn't love Remus. Then he could just break up with him and apologize that it didn't work out. But he _did_ love Remus. He reminded himself so whenever he looked at him, and he needed to remind himself again and again so he kissed him and put his arm around his waist and slept with him and lied beside him at night. Sirius dug his face into Remus's neck and squeezed him in his arms. _I love Remus,_ Sirius thought. _I do. I swear I do. I just…no! Remus is my boyfriend. He loves me, and I love him. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. I need him._


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer**: Part of this chapter contains a scene and some of the dialogue was written by JK Rowling, not me. It's from Chapter 28, Snape's Worst Memory, from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I paraphrased the in between stuff, but the dialogue belongs to JKR completely.

Chapter 9

Remus was cool toward Sirius for the next few days. They all went down to the house on the hill together at full moon, but Remus only remembered flashes of what happened after he transformed anyway. Sirius the dog was beside him when he awoke, but Remus didn't say anything to him. He really didn't talk much at all, actually. He thanked them for coming with him and did all the normal stuff during school, but that was it.

"I'm scared I'm losing him, Prongs," Sirius confided in James one day. "He'll let me touch him, but he won't touch me back, and he won't talk to me."

"I've got to be honest, Padfoot," James said. "I can't really blame him. If I had a girlfriend and she invited another bloke to come along when we…well, I wouldn't be too thrilled, myself."

"But I didn't mean it though," Sirius insisted. "Moony knows that."

"I wouldn't count on that," James said. "Sir, it's obvious he's crazy about you, and he doesn't want to lose you. But he's afraid that if he's going to have to compete with me, he'd lose."

"Compete with you? But…it's not like that with us, it never was. Rem knows that. He's my boyfriend. I touch him and snog him and sleep with him—all I do with you is talk. What's he got to compete with?"

"It's more than just touching, Sir. You've got to show him that you love him more than you love me."

"I tell him I love him about five times a day. I've never said that to you in my life."

"But how does he know you're not lying through your teeth?"

"Because I—"

"Because you what? Snog him? That doesn't show him that you love him, Padfoot, it just shows that you're horny."

"What am I supposed to do then?"

"You've got to make him feel like he's special. Do something for him you'd never do for anyone else. _For_ him, Sirius, not _to_ him."

"Like what?"

"For that, my friend, you need a girl's advice."

Remus sat down next to James at breakfast as he'd been doing recently and heard the usual swooping of hundreds of owls delivering mail and packages. Remus occasionally received letters from his parents, but was most surprised when an owl landed in front of him this morning. It wasn't carrying a letter, but a bouquet of flowers. "These are for me?" Remus asked the owl, blushing. It hooted, dropped them in Remus's lap, and flew off. It didn't say who they were from, and Sirius wouldn't catch Remus's eye when he looked down the table at him. Embarrassed but pleased, Remus put the flowers down next to him and turned back to his cereal. He'd barely taken a bite when another owl, also carrying flowers, landed in front of him, hooting.

"What, more?" Remus said. The second owl's response was the same as the first's. The third owl brought a heart-shaped box full of Honeydukes chocolates, but the fourth through seventh also brought flowers, all different kinds. Remus was starting to attract attention now. He was a bit too embarrassed to talk, but beamed at anyone who looked at him.

Sirius, on the other hand, was staring determinedly at his sausages, refusing to catch anyone's eye. "That is the last time I take advice from girls," he said to Peter. "The very last time."

After breakfast, Remus Banished the flowers upstairs and found Sirius, who was looking uncharacteristically red. He hugged him from the side and kissed his cheek. "Thank you," he said.

"You forgive me, then?" Sirius managed to unclench his jaws.

"That was really sweet," Remus said. "It really wasn't _you_, though."

"Tell me about it."

"So what inspired you to send me all these flowers?"

"Well, the fact that I'm in love with you but you haven't spoken to me in a week, and I'm afraid you won't want to be my boyfriend anymore."

"I've always wanted to be your boyfriend, Sirius, and I always will. What I doubt is whether you want to be mine."

"Well I do. I love you, Rem. I'm telling the truth. I wouldn't have done that whole thing if I didn't, believe me."

"Okay, okay," Remus said, smiling. He kissed Sirius once. "Well come on, Padfoot. We'll be late for class."

Sirius put his arm around Remus's waist as they walked, and was pleased when Remus did the same to him.

As the school year progressed, the time they had to fool around became more limited. This was O.W.L. year, and they had to focus almost all their energy on homework or studying. It was hard to think about romance when you had to remember five years worth of spells, incantations, potions, and history.

Though they lied in bed together every night, Sirius and Remus had no time to do anything else from the Easter holidays on. The O.W.L.s finally arrived: two weeks worth of exams, each pass or fail determining what they could do once they left school.

It was only at Remus's insistence that they spent their time studying. James and Sirius were confident they would do fine, even without studying. Sirius tried to get Remus to take study breaks with him whenever he got bored, but Remus rarely agreed, so Sirius wandered off with James instead.

Their last O.W.L. was Defense Against the Dark Arts. It was all their best subject, to be sure, but Remus stayed up late studying anyway.

"Come to bed, Rem," Sirius said finally. "It'll all be over soon, and you're just as brilliant at it as us. Come on."

Remus smiled to himself and heeded Sirius, climbing into bed beside him. "Thanks, Padfoot," he said.

"Sure thing, Moony," Sirius said, nuzzling his neck.

The exam actually did not prove too difficult, but everyone was relieved when it was over. They all filed out of the Great Hall like being let out of prison, laughing and chatting animatedly.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" Sirius asked Remus, grinning at him.

"Loved it," Remus said, grinning back. " 'Give five signs that identify the werewolf.' Excellent question."

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" James asked, pretending he was worried for him.

"Think I did," Remus responded, managing to keep a straight face. "One: He's sitting in my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin…"

Sirius and James laughed. Sirius slipped his arm inconspicuously around Remus's waist.

"I got the snout shape," Wormtail said. "The pupils of the eyes, and the tufted tail, but I couldn't think what else…"

"How thick are you, Wormtail?" James said, rolling his eyes. "You run round with a werewolf once a month—"

"Keep your voice down," Remus said.

They made their way outside; Remus nudged Sirius, and he rolled his eyes and let go of his waist. "Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake," Sirius said. "I'll be surprised if I don't get Outstanding on it at least."

"Me too," James said. They settled down beneath a beech tree by the lake, and James took a snitch out of his pocket and started to play with it, letting it fly away from him and grabbing it again.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Nicked it."

Sirius and Wormtail watched him. Remus pulled a book out of his bag and started to read. Wormtail clapped every time James caught the snitch. Sirius was looking around at other students, watching James out of the corner of his eye. James caught the snitch again, and Wormtail cheered.

"Put that away, will you?" Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement."

James grinned. "If it bothers you," he said.

"I'm bored," Sirius commented. "Wish it was full moon."

"You might," Remus said. "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me…Here." He held his book out to his boyfriend.

Snorting, Sirius said, "I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all."

Remus rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe Sirius missed that hint. They had taken their Transfiguration exam yesterday.

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," James whispered. "Look who it is…"

Sirius turned his head to where James was beckoning. "Excellent. _Snivellus_."

Snape was walking across the grounds, near where Remus and his friends sat. Sirius and James stood up, but Remus stayed sitting, listening but not looking up. He'd seen it too many times. Wormtail, as always, was watching intently, looking excited.

"All right, Snivellus?" James called to Snape. Snape reached for his wand, but James was too fast for him. "_Expelliarmus!_"

Sirius laughed. "_Impedimenta!_" he said, and Snape was thrown off his feet. Students were gathering around to watch now. James was grinning at the attention. He looked over his shoulder to where some girls, including Lily Evans, were sitting by the water, watching out of the corners of their eyes.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" James said.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Sirius said. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

Remus sighed. He was so sick of this. They never let up. He glanced up at Sirius. If he tried to interfere, Sirius might protest. He might get upset with him. Remus loved Sirius too much. He could live with it. He returned to his book, pretending to ignore it.

"You—wait," Snape panted. "You—wait…"

"Wait for what?" Sirius mocked. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

Snape swore and cursed at them, but he still hadn't retrieved his wand, so it didn't do anything.

"Wash out your mouth," James said icily. "_Scourgify!_"

Snape's mouth started to bubble as though he'd swallowed a bar of soap and was throwing up. Foam appeared and he looked rabid. He was gagging and choking from the spell. _Ignore it_, Remus told himself. _Ignore it_.

"Leave him ALONE!" a female voice shouted from the edge of the lake. Sirius, James, and Remus looked over. It was Lily. She was glaring at James.

"All right, Evans?" James said calmly.

"Leave him alone," Lily said again. "What's he done to you?"

"Well, it's more the fact that he _exists_, if you know what I mean…"

Everyone except Snape, Remus, and Lily laughed. She continued to glare at James. "You think you're funny," she said, ice lacing the edge of her words. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone_."

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," James said immediately. "Go on…go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," Lily responded.

"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius said. He didn't sound too disappointed for James. "OY," he said, turning back to Snape, who had gotten to his wand by now.

Snape pointed his wand at James, and whatever curse he used cut him in the cheek and he began to bleed. James turned around immediately, waved his own wand, and Snape was suddenly hanging upside-down in the air. His robes fell down, showing his legs and underwear.

The onlookers cheered, and Sirius, James, and Wormtail laughed again.

"Let him down!" Lily said.

"Certainly," said James. He moved his wand and Snape fell to the ground unceremoniously.

As he tried to get up, Sirius cursed him again and he fell over.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily screamed, brandishing her wand at James and Sirius.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," James said.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

James sighed, rolled his eyes, and let Snape free. "There you go," he said. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus—"

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

"Fine," Lily said coldly, glaring at Snape. "I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash my pants if I were you, _Snivellus_."

"Apologize to Evans!" James shouted, his wand pointed at Snape again.

"I don't want _you_ to make him apologize," Lily said, turning on James again. "You're as bad as he is…"

"What?" James said, shocked. "I'd NEVER call you a—you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can—I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK." She turned around, running off.

Remus watched her. As much as he liked James, he knew she had a point. She was brave, standing up to him like that. But she wasn't dating one of the offenders. Still…James still wanted to go out with her, no matter what she said. Would Sirius still want to go out with Remus if he were to point out the things that irritated him about him? But no, it wasn't like that. Remus saw past that. He knew Sirius was a good person, deep down. And James was, too. Snape was worse than they were. He called Lily a Mudblood, which few would dare to do, and his curses were worse. He'd made James bleed; James and Sirius were just fooling around with him. They wouldn't do anything that would actually _hurt_ him…they hadn't yet, anyway.

"Evans!" James shouted, watching her go. "Hey, EVANS!"

She kept going without looking back.

"What is it with her?" James said, rolling his eyes.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," Sirius responded. It was clear _he_ didn't think anything of the sort. He seemed to have forgotten Snape; he was watching James to see what he would do next.

"Right," James said angrily. "Right—"

With Lily gone, he cursed Snape again, sending him up into the air. "Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" he called.

"Honestly, James," Sirius said, walking up to him and putting his hand on his shoulder. "Much as I love seeing guys with no pants…Snivellus…honestly."

James laughed. "Thank you, Sirius," he said.

Remus glanced up at Snape again, surreptitiously muttered "Liberacorups," and he fell to the ground.

James and Sirius did not argue, put Sirius put a Silencing Charm on Snape before he and James sat down on the ground again.

"Hey, Moony," Sirius said suddenly.

"What?" Remus said, looking up.

"_Accio book!_" Sirius waved his wand, and Remus's book flew out of his hands and into Sirius's.

"Sirius!" Remus said, rolling his eyes. "Give it back."

"You'll have to come get it!" Sirius taunted, holding out Remus's book and backing away, grinning broadly.

"_Accio—_"

"_Protego!_" Sirius shouted, blocking Remus's spell.

"Sirius!"

"What?"

"_Accio!_"

"_Expelliarmus!_"

Remus's book came back to him, but as it did so, his wand flew out of his hands and Sirius caught it. He waved it at him, grinning.

"Sirius!" Remus shouted.

"You going to come get me or not?" Sirius continued backing toward the castle, and then he turned and ran toward it.

"Padfoot, come back here!" Remus shouted, but he was smiling now, knowing what Sirius was up to. He dropped his book to the ground and began to charge after him, shouting.

"I reckon they won't be back right away," James said. He got up from the ground to try and pursue Lily Evans once more.

Remus caught up to Sirius, breathing heavily but laughing. "Give that book back, you," he said, reaching around Sirius's back to grab his wand. Sirius put his arm around Remus's back as well, and an instant later Remus had pressed him against the wall, kissing him. They moved slowly down the hall, ignoring other students who stared. Sirius reached behind him, groping for the doorknob he knew was there somewhere.

He finally found it, turned, and fell backward into the room. Remus had grabbed onto the doorframe and managed not to fall in.

"Are you okay?" Remus said.

Sirius mouthed, "What?" but no sound came out.

"I said, 'are you okay'?" Remus said. "Why did you just mouth 'what'? Why didn't you say it?"

Sirius mouthed something else.

"Are you talking?" Remus said. "Padfoot, I can't hear you."

Remus's and Sirius's blank faces matched until Sirius rolled his eyes and pulled Remus into the room.

"Can you hear me now?" Sirius said. Remus nodded. "Good. What were you saying?"

"I asked if you were okay."

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you think sound can't get through?"

"I don't know. It's really weird."

"Weird, but convenient. Rem, look!"

Remus looked around for the first time and realized that the room was not simply an unused classroom, and he'd assumed, but an elaborate bedroom with a king-sized four-poster in the center. Sirius grinned at Remus.

"What, are you crazy?" Remus said. "This is someone's bedroom! They could come here any minute!"

"Come off it! If it was someone's bedroom, it'd be locked, or you'd need a password or something. Besides, all the students sleep in dormitories and the staff wouldn't randomly have bedrooms in the middle of hallways any student could get to."

"Come to think of it," Remus said. "I don't remember there ever being a room here before."

"I'm sure I've seen it before," Sirius said.

"Well it's not on the map," Remus said. "We've been in every room on there, and we'd've remembered a bedroom."

"And even if you wouldn't've, I would've."

"Why am I not surprised? Oh! Hide!" he said. A group of talking students passed by the door. A couple seemed to look right into the room, but none stopped, pointed, or commented.

"You know what, who cares?" Sirius said. He closed the door, locked it, and turned to Remus. "It's soundproof, Rem. It's a bedroom. No one even seemed to notice it was there. It's exactly what we need!"

"Siri—"

"Rem."

"Padfoot."

"Moony."

They smiled at each other.

"_Expelliarmus_," Sirius said, and Remus's wand flew out of his hands once again.

Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius hopped onto the bed. He bounced on the bedsprings and twirled Remus's wand between his fingers. "You're not a wizard without your wand," he said. "Come get it."

Remus smiled at Sirius for a minute, debating with himself, and then finally gave in. He climbed onto the bed, but Sirius was kissing him before he had a chance to reach for his wand.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

After a long good-bye on the train platform, Sirius and Remus corresponded only by owl for the rest of the summer. About a month in, Sirius wrote him saying he'd run away from home. _I'm staying with James,_ he wrote._ I'll be there the rest of the summer if you want to contact me. He says hi. I miss you and love you and I'm thinking of you. See you in September, Sirius. _While Remus worried about Sirius and wondered what happened to make him lose his temper with his family, he was also a bit disappointed to know he'd come to James instead of him. He told himself not to worry about it. It was probably for the better, anyway, as he still hadn't told his parents and doubted Sirius would be able to keep his hands off of him for four weeks. He'd probably just do what he wanted and snog him no matter who was present, as he always did.

Remus was wrong, though. Sirius hugged him on the platform when they saw each other again, but his kiss was very light, and he left him alone completely on the train.

Once Remus returned from the prefect's carriage near the front of the train, Sirius filled him and Peter in on what had happened to him over the summer. "A lot of it was my brother," Sirius explained. "Regulus, in Slytherin. He'll be a second year this year. But the crowd he goes around with! He wouldn't stop babbling to our parents about all the 'amazing wizards and witches' he hangs out with. And Dark magic, like he knows a thing about it. He doesn't want to defend against it, he says he wants to do it! And Voldemort, you know. They don't stop talking about him in Slytherin (though you notice they never say his name, just call him the Dark Lord), and half of the ones who've left school have joined him. My cousin Bellatrix did. Regulus is already talking about doing it, too. And then my parents! They're proud of him! They go on and on about it as well. They aren't in his group, but they support him with all their pure-blood crap. I'm just so sick of it. And then there's the way they treat me. They think I'm a traitor because I'm in Gryffindor and I think a wizard's blood's got nothing to do with how great a wizard he is. You should have seen the look on my mother's face when I said that. You'd think I'd cursed out the whole bloodline, which I was close to doing, by the way. Then she started screaming about how I was a blood traitor and a shame to have as a son, and I left, agreeing with every word she said. I'm ashamed to have them as a family. If I ever turn out like them, _avada kedavra_ me."

Because it was clear Sirius had suffered stress over the summer, Remus did not at first question his 'change of behavior' once they returned to school. He used these words in his head for lack of a better term. 'Lack of affection' crossed his mind a few times, but that was inaccurate because Sirius did not lack affection. He would show it in short bursts, and then stop again. At random times during the day or night when they were in the common room, Sirius would look up at Remus as though just realizing he was there, say 'come on,' and take him through their secret passage to the house on the hill in Hogsmeade. When they visited the village, the noticed that people had started to refer to it as 'The Shrieking Shack' because of the noise Remus made with his friends every month. Sirius and Remus only went to the Shrieking Shack together because the mysterious bedroom they'd found had disappeared the next time they tried to find it.

This sorely disappointed Remus, because Sirius's mood seemed to reflect his surroundings, and the Shrieking Shack was anything but cheerful. Sirius became a rough, almost violent lover, and though he convinced himself otherwise, Remus often thought that Sirius only wanted him for the sex, not for him.

Sirius still lied in his bed at night, pressing his forehead to his neck and holding him tightly. He whispered, "I love you, Remus," and Remus pressed his hand to his heart and told himself it was true.

However, he began to worry. This withdrawn Sirius seemed to stem from more than a row with his family. He seemed to spend a lot of time in his James world. He constantly watched him and Lily out of the corner of his eye and every minute they weren't in the same room, he spoke to him in the mirror.

James began to spend a lot more time with Lily Evans than he had before. His resolve to go out with her was never stronger, and even though her resolve to say no was equally strong, it was now casual and playful rather than malevolent. They sat in the common room and talked, James flirting, while Sirius watched them and Remus watched him. It was impossible to miss the jealousy in Sirius's eyes.

It took a long time before Remus finally faced it and accepted it as the truth. Sirius was in love with James. Remus couldn't pretend he was surprised; he'd suspected it since they first met. And even though he'd confronted him about it that one time…Remus racked his brain, but could not remember Sirius ever specifically denying that he loved James. He'd said, "It's not like that," but then that was only because James was straight. Sirius told Remus he loved _him_, but it was possible to love two people. Everything he'd seen pointed to it. Sirius liked Remus and used him as a distraction from James, but James was the one he really wanted. He always chose him when he could. He always wanted to talk to him. He'd even flirted with him a bit, like the time last year. The truth was undeniable. Sirius loved James.

Remus wasn't jealous or envious of James. James hadn't done anything wrong: he hadn't ever asked Sirius to like him or even encouraged it. He had always made it clear that though they were close beyond close, nothing romantic would happen between them. James loved Sirius a great deal, but only as a friend. Sirius wanted something he could never have.

It made Remus feel sad. He loved Sirius more than he'd ever loved anyone, but he didn't want to be with him if he didn't love him back. He wanted Sirius to love him, to love _him_, but he didn't think that would ever happen if he was in love with James.

When the sight of Sirius watching James and Lily became too much, he went upstairs to bed. He lied awake thinking, his eyes wide open. A few minutes later, Sirius came upstairs as well.

"I saw you go up," Sirius said. "It's still early. Prongs and Wormtail won't come up for awhile." He climbed onto the bed behind Remus and played with his hair. "Wanna…?"

Remus shook his head.

"Ah, you're killing me, Rem," Sirius said. He sighed. "Okay." He put his head on the pillow next to Remus's and slipped his arm around him. Remus's body was limp and unmoving. He was silent. Sirius began to mutter about things, but Remus couldn't really hear what he was saying and did not answer.

"Moony, what's wrong?" Sirius said, sitting up. "Something's bothering you."

Remus sat up and sighed. "You love James," he said finally.

Sirius looked down. "Rem, we talked about this. Nothing's going on betwee—"

"I know that, but you still love him. You _want_ there to be something going on. I've seen the way you look at him, Sir, I hear the way you talk about him. Don't deny it, Sirius. You're in love with him. You've always been in love with him."

"I love you, too," Sirius insisted, taking Remus's hand. "All right, maybe I have feelings for James, but I love you, too, Remus. I mean it. I wouldn't lie to you about that. I love you. I love you."

"You love him more," Remus said, not catching Sirius's eye. "I've always sort of known it, I just never thought…Sirius, I love you more than anything. I love you with all of my heart and everything. But I don't want to be with you if you don't feel the same way. I don't want to be with someone that, whenever he holds me, is just looking over my shoulder at someone else."

"What, you want to break up?" Sirius sounded so alarmed that Remus stopped crying.

"I don't know," he said, hearing fear in his voice. "All I know is what I've just said. I love you, Sirius, and I want to be with you, but…I don't know." He took some deep breaths and cleared his throat. "Maybe," he said, sounding braver now. "Maybe we can just…take a break. Um…until you work out your priorities."

Sirius still looked scandalized. "But I need you," he said.

"I want you to want me."

"I do want you."

"I want you to want me more than James," Remus said. "It's not fair to either of us if you only love me halfway."

"But what am I supposed to do?" Sirius said. "I can't help—"

"I don't know!" Remus said. "I don't know. Maybe you should…think. Take a break, figure out your priorities. If you really love him, why do you even want to be with me? And if you really love me, why are you so obsessed with James?"

Sirius fell silent. "I don't know," he said.

"Well think about it. And…don't come begging me for sex until you're going to love me as me and not as a second choice!"

Remus could tell his words stung. But he was hurt, too. For two years Sirius had pretended to like him while really liking James. _What about me?_ Remus thought. _What about me is not good enough? Why don't you love me like you love him? What did I do wrong?_

With these thoughts bouncing around in his head, Remus couldn't stand to be around Sirius. Not wanting to be seen in his pajamas and crying, Remus borrowed James's invisibility cloak and went downstairs. There were too many people in the common room, so Remus went out into the hall. What he needed was a place to be alone. He wandered around, looking for a room, and noticed the door that led to the room he and Sirius once used, almost a year ago. This memory just made him feel worse, but the room would be a perfect place to hide, so Remus opened the door.

He was mildly surprised to see a completely different room than last time, but Remus was too upset to care. There was a big comfortable couch with a single fluffy pillow lying on it, and a minibar filled with butterbeer beside the couch. Remus sat down, held the pillow, and drank until he calmed down.

Remus returned to the dormitory to see that Sirius had been hopeful enough to sleep in his bed, so Remus took Sirius's to make the message clear.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

"Moony, what'd you do to him?" James asked Remus at breakfast the next morning. They were looking down the table at Sirius, who was eating alone, looking glum and surly.

"I broke up with him," Remus said tonelessly.

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out when you were in separate beds, but…why? What happened?"

"Nothing…happened…"

"What's the matter then? I thought you loved him."

"I do love him. He just doesn't love me."

"Sure he does. Look at him over there. He's suffering. He loves you."

"But he doesn't love me as much as he loves…someone else. The problem is that I'm not the one he wants most. I thought I was for a long time and then I found out I wasn't and it hurts. I want…he's my number one. But I'm not his, so he doesn't really want me."

James sighed. "I'm gonna go talk to him," he said.

Tensions remained high between Sirius and Remus. They weren't speaking to each other, but each would occasionally look up at the other and glare at him for a moment. Sometimes they did this at the same time, the result being a glaring contest that would go on until someone else realized that neither of them were aware of anything else happening and interrupted them. After this, Sirius usually broke the next thing he touched and Remus hid his face in a book so no one would notice he was on the verge of tears.

When the full moon came, no one believed that Sirius would join James and Peter in going to see Remus. He did, however. He got under the invisibility cloak with the other two and went down to the Shrieking Shack as he always did. They transformed, and when night fell, so did Remus. He howled and started to run around at things. James moved in front of him to calm him down. Remus looked like he wanted to attack James, but James showed him his antlers and prodded him a bit and he backed off. He turned to Sirius instead, who was standing on the other side, waiting. Peter, as usual, was hiding in a corner. Remus ran at Sirius and pounced, biting his back and scratching his side. Sirius was ready. He clawed at Remus, pushed him away, and then ran and pounced at him, scratching and biting him back. James pounded the ground with his hooves as a signal to stop, but Sirius paid no attention. He then ran in between them, trying to distract Remus.

While James had Remus's full attention, Sirius ran up from behind him and bit him hard in the back of the neck. Remus howled in pain. James tried to keep Sirius away from Remus, but he wouldn't sop. He stood on one side of the room, and when Remus came at him, he moved at the last minute so he ran into the wall, and then Sirius attacked him from behind. It was a long time before Remus finally collapsed from exhaustion, and even then Sirius still wanted to attack him. He pounced on the limp, panting wolf once more before James managed to come between them again and pull Sirius away.

Tired, Sirius was glad for the rest, but he glared at Remus for the rest of the night anyway.

Even after they became human again, they looked worse for the wear.

"Are you all right?" James asked Remus.

"I think so," he answered shakily.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Bits and pieces of it." He glared at Sirius. "You attacked me."

"You attacked me first!"

"I couldn't help it!"

"You could too have helped it!"

"No I couldn't! That's why you're here! You're supposed to calm me and restrain me! Not provoke me!"

"You provoked me!"

"How?"

"You know how!"

"You two!" James said. "Cut it out!" He glared from Sirius to Remus. "We're supposed to be mates. All of us. We made an agreement. I know you two are mad at each other, but get over it."

Remus looked at the ground and Sirius looked surly.

"Come on," James said. "Let's go back to the castle."

They filed silently back through the secret passage to Hogwarts. Since it was the weekend, they didn't have classes, and Sirius sulked in the dormitory for most of the day. He transformed into a dog because he could lie more comfortably that way, and tried and failed to sleep.

James came up to see him around lunchtime. "Do you want to go eat?" he offered.

"I'm not hungry."

"Maybe we should go for a walk, then."

"I don't know."

"Come on, Padfoot. I want to talk to you. You're my best mate, and I see you're having a hard time. I'm not gonna leave you alone."

Sirius felt a surge of affection for James and obediently got up and followed him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know."

"I'm sorry I have you a hard time this morning. I know you're upset, I just don't think that hurting him is going to solve anything. You guys are my two best mates, and it's hard when you're fighting. I don't want to pick sides. To be honest, I liked it better when you were snogging all over the place."

"So did I," Sirius said. "And I know Moony did too, so I don't know what his problem is. Actually, I do. He's jealous that you're my best mate, not him. Well that's not gonna change, so he needs to get over it."

"He's not jealous, Sir. He's sad. He's upset because he's so crazy about you and he's just found out you don't feel the same way about him."

"But I do though," Sirius said.

"You don't. You don't feel as strongly as he does. You think you're having a tough time of it, his is eight times worse. You don't love him that intensely. You can get over him."

"I don't want to get over him. I do love him. I want to be with him."

"Then do us all a huge favor and get over me then," James said.

Sirius felt his face get hot. He didn't know that James knew.

"It doesn't bother me," James said. "You're still my best mate. But you're just hurting yourself because it's never gonna happen, and you're hurting Remus because he wants you to love him fully and completely, and that's never going to happen if the back of your mind is always thinking of me." He looked at Sirius carefully. "Do you understand?"

Sirius nodded. "I understand. I just don't know…what to do."

"I don't either, mate," James said. "You've got to work that out for yourself. I'll try to help in any way that I can, but there's only so much I can do. Just know that you're always my best mate, no matter what."

"Okay," Sirius said. He sighed. "Thank you."

It was reassuring to know that James didn't care that Sirius fancied him, but he was still lost about how to get Remus back. He didn't fight with him any more, but he still had angry, upset, and overall strong feelings inside him with no outlet.

Much as he loved him, fighting Remus as animals had felt good, had been like a relief, an outlet for his feelings. He couldn't sleep with him anymore, and yelling at people just made everything worse. He wanted another fight. He wanted to do something reckless. He wanted someone to get hurt.

A couple weeks of feelings these emotions went by, and one afternoon the answer came to him: Snape. Snape was a foul bastard. He was always trying to curse Sirius and James whenever he saw them. Revenge on Snape was a good idea.

The only question was how to do it. What would cause him pain? What would make him feel terrible, awful, and hate his life? And then he remembered something that Remus had once said: "It's the worst thing in the world, being a werewolf…" Sirius's face cracked into a grin. It was perfect. Snape was always trying to nose around anyway, asking where Remus went when he missed classes due to his transformations. He would be dying to know the truth, and he wasn't an Animagus…it was perfect.

Sirius held this idea in his mind, and it sustained him until the full moon came. On the day of, he approached Snape after Potions.

"Hey, Snivelly," he said casually.

"What do you want?" Snape spat.

"To give you a treat, listen up. You know how Lupin always disappears once a month? Well I know where he goes, and since he's not my mate anymore, I'll tell you. To get to him, you go through a secret passage out of the school. There's a hole in the ground by the Whomping Willow. If you prod the knot in the trunk, it stops moving and you can get in. Just go through the secret passage and you'll see him. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you find."

Snape eyed Sirius suspiciously. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Oh, it's not for you, Snape, don't get the wrong idea. It's to humiliate Lupin. No one knows about it except me, James, and Peter, and his worst fear is someone finding out. You'll tell the whole school, of course."

A greedy smile crossed Snape's face, and Sirius felt satisfied.

"Do it tonight, just after it gets dark," Sirius said. "That's when it will be most…dramatic." Sirius nodded at Snape and walked away.

"I told you, I promise!" Sirius said. "Just let me come, I swear I won't attack him again. I swear, I promise."

"I don't know, though," James said. "It's easier said than done. If you're mad at him…"

"I haven't touched him all month. I've been good. I'll stay good. Just let me come."

"All right. Wait, why are you so eager?" James gave Sirius a suspicious look very similar to the one Snape had given him earlier.

"I'm not," Sirius said quickly. "God, why does everyone always think I'm up to something?"

"All right, all right," James said. "Let's go then."

Sirius could barely contain his excitement as they headed out of the castle and down toward the tree. Snape was already down there. As they went out the doors, Sirius saw him freeze the tree and disappear into the hole beneath it.

Unfortunately, James saw him too.

"What's Snape doing down there?" James asked. "How did he know to prod the knot and freeze the tree?"

"Search me," Sirius said, shrugging.

"But Remus is down there!" James said, alarmed. "He'd have already transformed by now! Snape could be killed, and he'll certainly be bitten!" James ran out from under the invisibility cloak and down to the Whomping Willow.

Sirius and Peter looked at each other, and then Sirius sighed and they followed James. The tree froze again and James disappeared. By the time Sirius and Peter caught up, James was pulling a squirming, hysterical Snape through the passage.

"He's a werewolf!" Snape was shouting. "Lupin's a werewolf! He could have killed me, or bitten me! I can't believe they let a werewolf come to this school! How dare they! He could've…I could've! How could you do that?" he screamed at Sirius. "How could you—"

"_Silencio_," Sirius said, waving his wand, and Snape's ravings became mute. "He didn't get bitten, then?" Sirius asked.

"No. I caught up to him just in time to pull him out before Remus saw us, but it didn't stop Snape from seeing him." He glared at Sirius. "How could you be so stupid, Padfoot, what if Remus gets expelled now!"

"Rem didn't do anything!" Sirius said indignantly. "He can't help what he is."

"But they might think it's too dangerous for him to come to school now!"

"Nothing happened," Sirius said.

"And you're actually disappointed about it!"

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"We've got to take him to Dumbledore," James said. "We've got to tell him what happened. Dumbledore will understand that Remus didn't do anything. That it was all you," he added, glaring bitterly at Sirius.

Sirius rolled his eyes again, but followed James, Snape, and Peter up to Dumbledore's office and told him what happened. They left out the part that they were Animagi, because it didn't seem important to the incident, and all they needed was to get in more trouble.

All of Sirius's privileges were taken away. He had to spend all his free periods and evenings in the common room, and had detentions with McGonagall on the weekends.

"I don't even care," he said to Remus, James, and Peter. "There's nothing for me to do with my free time anymore anyway."

Remus was horrified that Sirius would use him like that, and they spoke to each other less than ever.

James didn't judge Sirius for what he did. On the contrary, he spent more time with him, making sure he could talk and wouldn't become too depressed.

"Padfoot, you know I hate him, too, and I'm all for cursing him when we're not in class. You just took it too far. I know things are hard for you and it's easy to take it out on a common enemy, but seriously. Rem could have _killed_ him. Even if he hadn't, you still would have been expelled. What would you have done then?"

"I don't know," he said. "I miss Remus."

"I know you do."

"Life sucks."

"The alternative is death."

"I miss Remus."

All in all, Sirius was glad when the summer came. He didn't need the stress of Remus, of classes, and detentions, and Snape, and being locked up.

He spent the summer at James's house, where they played Quidditch and dueled each other for fun. As his stress went away, he regained some of his confidence, and he spent a lot more time laughing and joking. He wrote letters to Remus and sent all of them, some against his better judgment, and teased James when he wrote to Lily.

The summer calmed Sirius down, and he wasn't sure whether he wanted to return to school or not. He loved learning magic, and the fun things about Hogwarts like Hogsmeade and Quidditch and the secret passages. He really wanted to see Remus, too. He didn't expect him to want him back just because they had two months apart, but he really wanted just to see him again, to talk to him.

When school started again, he didn't see him on the train, but sat with James and Lily. She was willing to flirt with James more now than ever, but Sirius was surprised to find that he wasn't jealous.

_James is my best friend_, he thought to himself. _I love him, but…we're best friends. He told me it would always be that way no matter what. Being best friends with him is fine. I don't need anything else from him. Best friends is enough. I'm lucky to have that. And he's a good best friend, too. Even when I was snogging Remus all over the place, he was okay. Even when he found out I was in love with him, he was okay. He's never judged me or treated me any different for any reason. He's always there. He's,_ Sirius realized suddenly._ He's not like Remus. He's never gonna leave me. No matter what, he'll always be there. That's probably one of the reasons I love him so much. But he's my best mate. That's all I need from him. It's better that way. If I'm gonna have a boyfriend, I want it to be Remus. _Sirius felt a lurch inside him when he thought of Remus. _I love Remus. I want Remus. I miss Remus. I love Remus._

Sirius thought of Remus for the remainder of the train ride, and by the time he got to Hogwarts, he'd made up his mind what he was going to do.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

"Moony," Sirius said, sliding into the seat across from him.

Remus looked up. "Padfoot," he said.

Sirius was relieved. At least they were on speaking terms.

"I missed you," he said.

"I missed you too," Remus said, looking up at him again.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"A lot?"

Remus nodded.

"Me too."

Remus smiled a little bit and turned back to his empty plate.

"Listen," Sirius said suddenly, causing Remus to look up again. "I…really. I'd really like to just take some time and talk to you. Will you do something for me?"

Remus's expression was hard to read.

Sirius took a deep breath. "Will you have dinner with me in Hogsmeade on Saturday? Please? Just…to talk?"

Remus thought for a minute and nodded. "All right," he said.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Brilliant," Sirius said, relieved. "Thank you." He let out a sigh and smiled at Remus. "I love you," he said.

"I know." He smiled, but for once did not blush. "I got your letters."

Remus had missed Sirius a great deal, both before and during the summer holidays. It was very good to see him again, and good to see he seemed different, calmer and more mature, less depressed than last year.

He looked forward to their dinner, though he wasn't sure if anything would become of it. he didn't know if he wanted it to or not. He didn't think he would be able to stand it if they went out again and he found out that Sirius was still in love with James. But he loved him and missed him enough to give him another chance. And he wanted to hear what he had to say to him, too.

During the week, they were polite to each other but did not discuss their plans for the weekend or anything that had happened last year.

On Saturday evening in the common room, as many people began to go down to eat, Sirius approached Remus. "Are you ready?" he said.

"Yes."

"Let's go then," Sirius said cheerfully.

Remus was pleased with his tone of voice and attitude as they snuck through one of the secret passages into Hogsmeade. They went down to a little restaurant to eat and talk.

"So," Sirius said.

"So," Remus agreed.

"How was your summer?"

Remus shrugged. "All right. A bit lonely, I guess. But it was good to see my family. I told my parents about…you know…you."

Sirius was surprised to hear this. "Really?"

"Yeah. I figured it was about time they knew. And it felt really good, you know, to talk about it to someone. All these things I've been feeling and all that's been going on with you."

"Yeah," Sirius said, nodding. "Yeah, I wanted to talk about it, too. Tonight. Talk about…what's been going on. What I've been feeling and thinking about."

"Shoot," Remus said.

"I figured something out this summer. Well, also on the train on the way back to school. I don't need James as anything but a best friend. I still love him; I'm not gonna lie to you. But I'm okay with that. I'm over it. I'm not jealous when I see him with Lily. I'm not gonna stare at him from across the room. I'm not gonna think of him as something I want but can't have. I think of him as a best friend, and that's enough." He paused for a moment to just look at Remus. "But I do want you," he said. "These months without you have been awful for me. I still love you as much as I ever did. I know that you might still be mad at me and might not want to take me back, but I want you to understand that if you do, you'll get all of me this time. It will be different. If that's still not enough, or if you don't want me anymore, I'll understand. But know that I love you, and even after all this time and a summer with James, I haven't been able to get over you. I…I took you for granted while we were going out, and I shouldn't have done that and I apologize. But it won't happen again, Rem, I promise. If you give me another chance." He looked at Remus hopefully.

"I do still love you," Remus said. "I always have and I think I always will. I want to get back with you, Sir, more than anything."

"But?"

Remus sighed. "I guess it's okay that you still love James. Just…don't be so bloody obvious about it."

"I won't," Sirius said quickly. "That's what I'm saying. I don't…I'm done with wanting him that way."

"Really? Because I only want to get back with you if you want me most. If I can be your number one."

"You're my only one," Sirius said. He smiled. "I'm over James, Rem, honestly. I still love him, but…" he shrugged. "I don't care. He's my best mate. I'm not gonna get jealous or upset or lovesick over him. I don't need to. You're an amazing person, Rem, and if you'll have me…you're all I want and need. Honest."

Remus paused. "You're really over James? You're really not gonna watch him and Lily from across the room all the time and barely notice me when we're both in the room?"

"Moony," Sirius said, looking at him. "I haven't thought about him in that way all summer. I think about you all the time, every day. I didn't realize how much I loved you until I lost you. But it hurt me so bad, it won't happen again. I've learned my lesson. I've grown up. I'm just fine not being with James, but I can't stand not being with you."

Remus sighed, and then he finally smiled. "All right," he said.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Sirius beamed. "Brilliant," he said. "Thank you. Thank you billions."

"You're welcome," Remus said, smiling.

"Waiter," Sirius called. "Waiter, some champagne, please."

"Champagne?" Remus said.

"Yeah, we're celebrating," Sirius said.

Remus smiled. Then he grinned. He held Sirius's hand on the table and looked at him while he ate. When they were done with dinner, Sirius put his arm around Remus's waist while they walked, and Remus put both his arms around Sirius's waist and rested his head on his upper arm. They went back to the castle but just snuck out again to go down to the Shrieking Shack.

As soon as they were inside, they pressed each other against the wall, kissing. Remus's breathing became heavy fast, and he closed his eyes, feeling Sirius, barely daring to believe he was with him again. "I've missed you," he breathed. "I've missed you…missed this…so much."

"I know," Sirius whispered. His trembling hand touched the side of Remus's face.

Remus pressed his forehead to Sirius's, listening to their breathing. His lips quivered, opened and closed, and he resisted the temptation to press them against Sirius's. "I love you," Remus whispered.

"I love you," Sirius whispered back.

"Let's go…upstairs…the bedroom."

Sirius nodded, his mouth open, and took Remus's hand as they went upstairs.

They didn't bother returning to their dormitory that night. They woke up late in the morning, put yesterday's clothes on, and went back to the castle for breakfast, where they met James and Peter.

"You have no idea how worried we were about you," James said. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Relax, Prongs," Sirius said, pouring orange juice. "We're big boys. We can take care of ourselves."

"Hogsmeade," Remus answered.

"All night?"

"Why not?" Sirius replied.

"Thanks for letting me know."

"Hey, I thought it was just gonna be dinner, two hours tops. I was not counting on getting lucky."

"Sirius," Remus said in a warning voice.

"Moony?"

"I probably should have told you this a couple years ago, Sir, but I would really appreciate it if you didn't discuss our sex life with other people. I know Prongs and Wormtail can add two and two (well, Prongs can, anyway), but you don't need to explain to them that the answer is four."

"All right," Sirius said, smiling. This was the second time Remus had said something potentially embarrassing without blushing. He was growing up. Sirius reached over and played with Remus's hair.

It was different now, between the two of them, than it had been before they broke up, but it wasn't in a bad way. Sirius and Remus weren't as obvious as they were before. They lied in bed together again, but didn't kiss in front of anyone or hold each other's waists anymore. They exchanged glances sometimes, secretive glances, and smiled at each other in a special way when they spoke.

The best part for Remus was that Sirius wouldn't spend his time staring at James anymore. He only looked at him when they talked. And when James finally started going out with Lily, all Sirius did was smile and congratulate him, and then turn to Lily and say "My deepest sympathies."

Remus was thrilled with this new change in Sirius. He felt more in love with him every day. Once again, things finally seemed to be going right. Sirius loved him and was in a comfortable place with James, his transformations were better with his friends' help, his parents knew about him, he was doing will in school, and it was his final year. Everyone was happy. Everything seemed to be going right.


	13. Chapter 13

**Part II**

Chapter Thirteen

The rest of Remus's seventh year went by fast. Soon it was over, he was eighteen, and he needed a job and a place. Sirius had some family money from his uncle, the one person who had not disowned him. He rented an apartment in London, bought a gigantic flying motorbike, and convinced Remus to live with him.

As for work, they all joined the Order of the Phoenix, a group working against the Dark wizard Lord Voldemort. There were many older witches and wizards already in the Order, including Dumbledore, but they needed as many new people as they could get. Voldemort was hurting and killing people, and was so feared many people refused to say his name. He had many followers as well, known as Death Eaters. Snape had joined ranks with him, and so had Sirius's cousins and brother. Times were dark and difficult, and the group grew from teenagers to adults fast, accepting the fact that there were bigger things going on in the world than their own insignificant lives.

In spite of all this, though, the whole group managed to stay happy by spending all their time together, in and out of work for the Order.

One day at the conclusion of a meeting, Dumbldore asked if there was any unfinished business, and James stood up.

"I have an announcement to make," he said, grinning broadly. A smiling Lily stood up beside him. "We're going to get married!"

Clapping and shouts of excitement and congratulations met this announcement, and Remus looked over at Sirius for his reaction. Sirius looked back at him. He was smiling. Genuine or forced, Remus couldn't tell. "Wanna marry me?" he asked.

"_Sirius_."

"What?"

Remus smiled at him. "Ha ha you're so funny. Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay; I have you. James told me already, this afternoon. He asked me to be his best man."

"That's wonderful."

"I'm happy for him," Sirius said. "It's what he always wanted." Sirius did not comment on what he had always wanted, but put his arms around Remus. Remus leaned on him as they watched James and Lily talking with the others.

The wedding was beautiful, and Lily was beautiful, and Remus thought Sirius was beautiful, too. When he took a picture with the bride and groom, his smile was genuine. He danced with Remus, and he talked and laughed with people, and ate cake. _He's really okay with this,_ Remus thought, holding him as they danced to a slow song. _He wasn't lying. He's okay with this_.

"He's my best mate," Sirius assured Remus when they were sitting down later. "That's all I need from him. _You're _my boyfriend. _You're _the one I can't live without. Wanna get married? The priest hasn't left yet."

"Yeah, and he'd marry us. You're very sweet, Sirius. I'm glad you're taking this well."

Sirius just smiled.

When James and Lily left on their honeymoon, Sirius took it upon himself to pretend that he and Remus were on a honeymoon, too. He sometimes got that way again, though, the way he used to get when he was thinking about James instead of Remus. Remus refused to let himself think about it, refused to acknowledge it. Sirius loved him, and he knew that. That was all that mattered. It should be enough for him.

It was only a few months later that Lily and James had another announcement, this time that she was pregnant. This actually came as a double announcement. Another young woman in the Order, Alice Longbottom, announced that _she_ was pregnant, and then a minute later, Lily said that she was, too.

The two young women became very close friends, especially after finding that their due dates were within a week of each other. One day the two were sitting, pretty far along, knitting and talking, while Remus watched them from across the room, thinking.

Sirius slipped up behind him and put his arms around him. "Want to adopt a baby?"

"You're mad."

"Well, it's just the way you were looking at them, you know."

"I wasn't thinking about that. We're not fit to be parents, anyway."

"I'm sure you're right. What _were_ you thinking about?"

"I'm worried," Remus said. "All these horrible things going on, all these people dying, and there they sit, so vulnerable, and soon they'll have little babies to look after, and if something happens…"

"What makes you think something's going to happen?"

Remus sighed. "I don't know. People are _dying_, Sirius. Anyone could be next."

"I'm perfectly aware that people are dying," Sirius said coolly. He paused for a minute. "Me brother just went missing."

"Regulus? Do you think he's…Sirius, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry!" Sirius said. "He was a Death Eater! He was on Voldemort's side. I'm glad he's…probably dead. I've always hated him."

"Still…he was your brother."

"He wasn't my brother," Sirius said shortly. "James is my brother, and Peter. Regulus was just another enemy."

"Do you know how long he's been missing for?"

"No. I think he might have left the Death Eaters, actually. They came to my parents' house, looking for him, but he wasn't with them, and he wasn't with the Death Eaters, and obviously I've no idea where he is. But still…" He tried to smile but couldn't quite manage it. "That's…hopefully…one more Death Eater down," he said.

Remus smiled weakly and patted Sirius's shoulder.

Both babies were born at the end of July. Sirius and Remus got a phone call in the middle of the night from an ecstatic James telling them to get down there immediately.

The baby boy had James's hair and Lily's eyes and was named Harry James Potter. James took Sirius aside before they left and asked him to be Harry's godfather. Honored, Sirius accepted.

Despite the joy of a new baby, life looked bleak. Voldemort was causing terror everywhere. No one was sage, nothing was safe. The Order was working as hard as ever, even the two new mothers, but they seemed to be losing. One day a terrible thing happened.

The Death Eaters, wanting information on the Order, found Alice Longbottom and her husband Frank to interrogate them. They refused to tell them anything, so the Death Eaters tortured them and tortured them until they lost their sanity.

It was a grave day indeed for the Order. People were dying every day, even Order members occasionally, but the loss of two young, valuable individuals was a terrible blow. And they weren't dead, they were insane, unaware of others around them, unable to recognize their friends or their baby. The child went with Frank's mother, but whole ordeal put strain on everyone.

Everyone was thinking what no one wanted to say. Lily and James could be next.

"The Death Eaters are getting more powerful," Remus said to Sirius. "They know things they shouldn't…things about the Order…I'm worried. I think they have a spy, someone in the Order, giving them information. Frank and Alice…they were tortured for _information_, Sirius, information on the Order. We're a secret society, only members know who other members are. Whoever went after Frank and Alice _knew_ they had valuable information, and lists of who knows what aren't printed in the _Daily Prophet_. The Death Eaters knew that they had information because someone _told_ them that they had information. Someone from the Order."

"I think you're right," Sirius said. "But…who is it?"

"I don't know."

These were some of the exact issues that Dumbledore brought up to James and Lily quite soon after that. Sirius and Remus weren't there, but James, trusting them, came over and filled them in afterward.

"It's more than that," James said. "Voldemort's definitely after us. Dumbledore's got a spy—won't say who—but he's certain of it. He wants us to go into hiding, me and Lily and Harry. He wants us to perform the Fidelius Charm on our house. We put the location in one person, the Secret-Keeper, so no one will be able to find us unless the Secret-Keeper tells them where we are. Dumbledore offered to be the Secret-Keeper, but I told him, Padfoot, I want you to do it. You're my best mate, Harry's godfather, I trust you, and Lily agrees. We think it should be you."

"Okay," Sirius said immediately, glancing over at Remus.

"All right," James said. "Well, that's settled then. Come to my house tomorrow morning at eight, and we'll do it. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I'll see you then. Good to see you, Moony."

He headed out into the hallway to leave, and after a moment's hesitation, Sirius followed him. "Prongs?" he said, closing the door behind him.

"Yeah?"

"I need to ask you something."

"What is it?"

"Could you use Wormtail instead of me?"

"What?"

"Make Wormtail your secret-keeper, no me."

"Why?"

Sirius shrugged. "People will be expecting it to be me. No one would expect you to use Wormtail. We know someone in the Order is untrustworthy, and everyone knows we're best mates. They would tell Voldemort it's me, but they'd be wrong. So we won't tell anyone. It's even more…secret…that way, you know?"

"Okay," James said, nodding. "That is a good idea. But why'd you agree to do it in there then?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know," he muttered softly. "Like I said…I don't think we should tell…anyone…"

"Wait, you didn't want Moony to know? You waited until he was in a different room. You don't trust Remus?"

Sirius shrugged. "He just…he seemed to know a lot about Voldemort and their information and the spy and everything."

"You're not serious," James said.

"That's what—"

"You think it's _Moony_?"

"James, look at it this way. The way he was talking about Voldemort's spy, he knew exactly what was going on."

"If it was him, he wouldn't dare bring it up in the first place."

"Or he would, to throw us off."

"Even if he did know a lot, Dumbledore knew the same things, too."

"It's Dumbledore's job to know."

"And it's not Remus's?"

"Prongs, he has never been open and honest with us, ever. He likes to do things and know things without telling us."

"He does not," James said.

"I just…I don't trust him, James. He's a werewolf—"

"How dare you!" James thundered. "We've never judged him for that before! And when has he ever shown signs of pride at that, when?"

"Like I said, he's fond of secrets. And he's smart. He'd know to act a certain way to try and fool us."

"Just because he's smart doesn't necessarily make him a good actor," James said.

"Well we don't know that he's not," Sirius argued.

"Padfoot, I'm sorry," James said. "I'm just not seeing eye-to-eye with you on this. I suppose you have your reasons for suspecting Rem, and I guess I respect that. I'll use Wormtail as a Secret-Keeper because I think it's a good idea. And I won't tell Remus because…well, I guess we shouldn't tell anybody, and I can see that you really don't want me to…and I know you have my best interests at heart. But I want you to understand that _I_ do trust Remus, even if you don't. But let me just get one thing straight, Sirius. You're sleeping with the man you think wants to sell me and my family to Voldemort?"

"Well it's not like I have a choice," Sirius said. "I don't want to let on that I think it's him. He'll go after me next."

"I don't believe what I'm hearing," James said. "Rem's been our friend for ten years. Of all the people to suspect. I'm surprised you don't think it's Snape."

"Of course I would," Sirius said. "Part of me wants to, of course, but he didn't join us until _after _Frank and Alice were tortured, and that's how we knew there was a spy in the first place. Maybe Snape is still working for Voldemort, I wouldn't put it past him in a second. But someone else is, too. Someone who was already in the Order. Someone like Remus."

"Whatever," James said. "Go ahead, think what you want. I think I'd better go home. Lily wanted me to watch Harry tonight." He smiled. "She's making him a little hat with pumpkins on it, for Halloween next week."

Sirius forced a smile. "Brilliant," he said. "I'll be around when I can. Do you think Lily will let me take him for a ride on my bike yet, now that he's over a year old?"

"I doubt it," James said, smiling. "You know how protective she is."

"Well, I'll have another talk with her," Sirius said. "See you later, Prongs."

"Bye, Padfoot."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

The next day Sirius flew down in the morning to distract Remus and check that the charm was being performed and everything went smoothly. James did the charm using Peter, and his house disappeared in front of Sirius's eyes.

Peter came over to Sirius, told him where James lived, and the house materialized again.

"Right," Peter stuttered. "Well, I've got some important, er, business to attend to…very important." He looked utterly terrified. "See you, Sirius…James."

Sirius approached him and put his hand on his shoulder. "It's a good thing, you're doing, Wormtail, being Secret-Keeper. And your house is hidden, too, the Death Eaters won't find it. You'll be okay. And I'll be by in a few days to check on you, too."

Peter nodded without catching Sirius's eye. Never having passed his Apparation test and unable to afford a house with a fireplace, he stumbled off down the street.

Sirius stayed to visit with James and Lily for awhile, had a heated but good-natured argument with Lily about the safety of his flying motorcycle, and gave Harry a Fizzing Whizbee before he left. He kissed Lily on the cheek, shook James's hand, and ruffled Harry's hair before mounting his motorcycle and flying home.

"How'd it go?" Remus asked when he got there.

"Very well, actually," Sirius said. He felt safer without the secret inside him, and this was portrayed in his voice as cheerfulness.

"I was worried when you didn't come back right away, though maybe something had gone wrong."

"Everything's fine, absolutely fine. The information is safe; I haven't told anyone and don't plan to. Lily, James, and Harry will be just fine."

"Where were you all day?"

"What is this, an interrogation?"

"I was just wondering," Remus said defensively. "You don't tell me anything anymore, and it bothers me."

"There are plenty of things you don't tell me," Sirius said.

"Like what?"

"How should I know if you won't tell me?" Sirius shouted.

Remus looked worried and scared, more so than Sirius had ever seen him. _He knows I'm onto him_, Sirius thought. _Well, it doesn't matter. It won't do any good. He's not hurting James._ Sirius forced a satisfied smile onto his face and went into the kitchen to make dinner.

Remus had the same scared, worried look on his face as he watched Sirius go. He seemed quite cheerful for someone who knew someone wanted his best friends dead. He'd been quick to agree to be the Secret-Keeper and had been gone all day. In addition, he'd been more distant with Remus over the past few weeks than ever. It had been ages since they'd gone out at night and ridden Sirius's motorcycle. It had even been awhile since they'd…been together. Sirius was keeping something from Remus, and he didn't like it.

Remus made several attempts at conversation during the course of the meal, but each time Sirius first got defensive, and then said, as though to himself, "It doesn't matter. It will be all right. Everything's okay now. It will be all right."

A few nights later was Halloween night, which also happened to be a full moon. Sirius transformed into the giant black dog and then Remus became a werewolf. As always, he wanted to bite and scratch and attack, but Sirius calmed him down and kept him quiet through the night.

He was feeling better in the morning, less violent, and by noon he had worn himself out and fallen asleep. Sirius looked at the clock and decided to go check on Peter. Remus would be all right here by himself; the moon was almost gone. And if he waited to leave until after Remus woke up, he'd probably interrogate him again, or maybe even follow him. Sirius couldn't have that. He got on his bike and took off for Peter's place.

Peter wasn't there. Sirius looked in all the rooms, but he was gone. There was no Dark Mark over his house, which there would have been if the Death Eaters had come for him. Nor was there any sign of a struggle. No blood, the door wasn't forced. Everything looked fine, as though Peter had simply gone out for the day.

But he couldn't have, and he wouldn't have. He'd been petrified last time Sirius had seen him; he wouldn't dare risk capture by leaving his home. He wouldn't have voluntarily…there was no way. But there was no way he'd been taken by Death Eaters, either. They didn't even know where this place was, and Peter wouldn't have left quietly, would he? And what would they have wanted with Peter? They didn't know he was the Secret-Keeper; no one knew except James, Lily, Sirius, and Peter himself. James and Lily wouldn't have said anything, Sirius knew he hadn't…so that left Peter…he couldn't have…

Sirius leapt onto his motorbike, kicked it into life, and flew, top-speed, to James and Lily's.

A whole side of James's house was in shambles. Several rooms were destroyed, there was rubble everywhere, and Sirius had to suppress vomit at the sight of James's dead body among the boards and dust.

"James," he said, kneeling down beside him. His hazel eyes stared back into nothing, and Sirius pushed a lock of dark hair out of one of them. "Oh, James," Sirius said. He slipped his arms beneath James's, picked him up a little bit, and held him. "James, I'm sorry," he breathed. "I'm sorry."

Sirius was interrupted by a cry in the distance, a baby cry. "Harry," he said. He laid James down gently and got up, looking for the baby, following the sound of his cry. He encountered Lily's body first, and then spotted Harry just a few feet from her, wailing. There was a mark on his forehead, shaped like a lightning bolt. "Oh," he said softly. He knelt down to pick Harry up, and as he did so, Remus's words from ages ago echoed in his head. "We're not fit to be parents."

"I'll try," Sirius promised the lifeless Lily. He knelt down once again and grasped her white hand. "I'll take care of him," he said. "I…I know you didn't want me to take him on the bike, but I'll keep him safe. I'll protect him. I'll bring him home and have Remus watch him while I _kill_ the man who did this. I promise you, Lily, and you, James, and you…Harry."

"Sirius?"

Sirius looked up sharply. "Oh…hello, Hagrid," he said.

"It…it is true, then," Hagrid said, looking around. He shook his giant head. "On'y Dumbledore said, but I didn't want ter believe…I'm here to pick up Harry," he said quickly, regaining his composure.

"Harry?" Sirius said, clutching the boy to his chest. "Well…I'm his godfather, Hagrid, I'll take him." He looked at Harry, who had stopped crying by now, and rocked him.

"I'd let ya, Sirius, on'y Dumbledore told me. He said, 'go get Harry,' and he said where to bring 'im. I'd better listen ter Dumbledore, I think. He said it was very important."

"Oh…well, all right, then," Sirius said. "You can have him, Hagrid, just…be careful with him." He picked up a blanket off the ground, wrapped Harry in it, and handed him to Hagrid. "You can take my bike, too," he said, gesturing to it. "I won't be needing it anymore."

He grimaced at Hagrid, waved goodbye to Harry, and took off into the darkness. He needed to find Peter Pettigrew. Sirius did not sleep, did not eat, did not stop to talk to anyone. He went to Peter's house, to Hogsmeade, to Diagon Alley, the Ministry of Magic, and the Order Headquarters but did not find him. At midday the next day he checked Peter's house again, and was thrilled to hear the gasp and squeak of fear that meant he had caught Peter.

Unfortunately, he had chosen to Apparate directly inside instead of using the door, so Peter was able to dart out of it and down the stairs. Sirius followed him out of the building and into the middle of the street, whipping out his wand.

"_Don't move, Peter,_" Sirius said.

Peter froze, and then rotated slowly on the spot. The Muggle onlookers stared. Peter's eyes darted back and forth at them, and then he began to plead. "Lily and James," he said. "Lily and James. Sirius, how could you? How could you? Lily and James…"

Sirius slashed his wand through the air. "_Avada K_—"

BOOM!

The street before Sirius exploded. The Muggles screamed—those who had survived the blast, that is. Peter was gone. A pile of robes lay where he had been standing. Body parts littered the ground among the broken parts of the street. A dozen wizards appeared out of nowhere and seized Sirius, and it clicked. They thought _he_ had blown up the street—he'd had his wand out. Peter must have done it behind his back. But no one knew…he was the only one who knew Peter was the Secret-Keeper. Everyone would think it was him. Just like everyone would think he blew up the street and killed the Muggles…Peter couldn't Disapparate, he must have transformed…but no one knew he was an Animagus…except Remus…but Remus thought _Sirius_ had been the Secret-Keeper! Sirius hadn't trusted him enough to tell him. In fact, it was only because Remus had been in the room when James asked Sirius that he wanted him to switch. If Sirius hadn't mistrusted Remus…this would never have happened. Sirius was now laughing uncontrollably at all the irony, completely unaware that he had been bound by anti-Disapparation ropes and was now being led away.

It hadn't been Remus after all. It had been Wormtail, the last person anyone ever suspected. Sirius had thought it was Remus…his own boyfriend…the person he had lied next to almost every night for almost eight years…and Sirius hadn't trusted him…but he was okay…Remus hadn't done anything wrong…Remus had never worked for Voldemort…Sirius could love him again…but Remus would think Sirius was the spy…he would never love him anymore…but that wouldn't matter anyway…a street full of Muggles saw him blow up a street killing more than a few people…he would be in prison for the rest of his life…if they didn't kill him or Kiss him, that is. Still laughing his head off, Sirius let them take him away.

Remus woke up and, still groggy, wiped his eyes and looked around. It was early afternoon, and Sirius wasn't there. He looked in the bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen, but Sirius was gone. When Remus looked out the window, he noted the flying motorbike was missing, too.

_He's probably just gone out_, Remus thought. _He knew the moon was almost gone and thought I'd be okay. He'll probably be home soon_.

But he wasn't home soon. Sirius didn't return all night. Remus finally gave up and went to bed. It felt odd trying to sleep without Sirius's arms around him; he hadn't done it in three years.

Remus was awoken early in the morning by the owl delivering the _Daily Prophet_. He paid it and unfolded the paper to read the headline:

_He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Defeated At Last_

"You're kidding," Remus said aloud to no one. "That's fantastic. I wonder if Sirius knows." His expression of ecstasy disappeared, however, as he read on.

_He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named met his downfall late on the evening of October 31. He went to the residence of James and Lily Potter in Godric's Hollow. Once there, he murdered both James (22) and Lily (22) (see obituaries page 27) and then attempted to murder their young son Harry (15 months). However, You-Know-Who's curse failed to kill the tiny child, but instead rebounded upon its caster. Some sources claim that You-Know-Who is still alive, but as his attempt to curse Harry Potter was a Killing Curse, this is impossible. The __Boy Who Lived was taken late last night to live with his mother's sister and her family, all Muggles._

_Meanwhile, several prominent members of the Ministry of Magic, previously suspected to be Death Eaters, have returned to the Ministry, giving relief that thanks that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has fallen, and any Imperious Curses on them have lifted._

Remus put down the paper, not wanting to read on. His head was spinning. Voldemort was gone…James and Lily were dead…and Sirius…Remus put his face in his hands. He had suspected, but he had hoped and hoped he had been wrong. He could barely believe it. Sirius had loved James, loved him even more than he loved Remus. Why would he want him killed?

But maybe it was because he'd loved him…and he was still jealous of Lily and upset that he couldn't have him. The weight on his shoulders must have gotten heavier and heavier as James and Lily got engaged, got married, and had a child. Maybe one day it became too much, and he couldn't handle it anymore. He snapped and went over to Voldemort's side. He had been more and more distant with Remus recently. And he had seemed genuinely upset when his brother went missing. Blood was thicker than water, he supposed. Maybe he had subconsciously or secretly wanted to please his parents, who supported Voldemort even though they weren't Death Eaters themselves. Some of Sirius's cousins were Death Eaters as well.

Remus sighed, wishing he'd said something earlier. If he'd told James or Dumbledore of his suspicions, this might not have happened. But it might have, anyway. James had trusted Sirius more than anyone or anything. Unfounded or barely-founded accusations would do nothing to change this. Remus hung his head. He wondered if Sirius would come back here, and what Remus would say to him if he did. What _would_ Sirius do now? He'd finally shown that he was a spy for Voldemort, but now Voldemort was gone. The Order wouldn't accept him again. Remus wouldn't accept him again. What would he do?

Remus spent another night alone, and awoke the next morning the same way he had the previous, with a combination of good and terrible news from a newspaper.

Sirius had murdered Wormtail, Wormtail and twelve Muggles by blowing up a street in broad daylight in front of dozens of eyewitnesses. As these eyewitnesses were all Muggles, they had their memories wiped after testifying, but they all said the same thing. Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew were standing across the street from one another. Sirius had his wand pointed at Peter, who was defenseless. Sirius had chased Peter out of a building before cornering him with his wand. Peter had been saying things like, "Lily and James, how could you?" to Sirius (he would have known Sirius was the Secret-Keeper of course; James probably told him about the Fidelius Charm the same night he told Remus and Sirius). But Sirius simply waved his wand and muttered something and the street exploded, leaving body parts everywhere. The biggest bit of Peter Pettigrew they found was his finger. Sirius had been arrested and was now in the process of being sent to Azkaban. Everyone kept saying, from the time he blew up the street to the time the members of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad took him away, all he could do was laugh.

Remus through down the paper in disgust and put his hand over his eyes.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

There was one last and final Order meeting, which was really more of just a speech by Dumbledore to the rest of the members, bringing them completely and accurately up to date on all the recent events. He gave his opinion that Voldemort was not actually dead, but not completely alive either. He was out there somewhere, barely able to survive, neither living nor dying.

After this meeting, the Order disbanded; there was no need for them to stay active now that Voldemort was gone. Without the Order, Remus was left without a job, though he desperately needed one, and sank into a depression. All of his friends were gone. He didn't have anyone, and he felt that he didn't have a purpose anymore. He was glad that Voldemort was gone, but he'd wanted the defeat to be with his friends at his side, or at least some of them. He knew that sometimes death was unavoidable, but he hadn't expected everyone to die in the victory. James and Lily were gone, Peter was gone, and Sirius…well, Remus tried not to think about Sirius because his feelings were so mixed. He was the only one who hadn't died, but he was the bad guy. He was in prison now, and would spend the rest of his life there, but he had been the one person that Remus had been closest to. He was glad that the man responsible for the deaths of his friends would never again see the light of day, but downhearted that he would never again be with the man he loved.

Remus told himself that he didn't love Sirius anymore—how could he, after what he'd done—but part of him still did. The old Sirius, anyway. The one who used to take him for rides on his flying bike every night, just the two of them, and Remus would put his arms around him, not because he was afraid he'd fall, but just to hold him. But all these happy memories were marred by the fact that this man was a cold-blooded killer and a traitor.

When Remus finally managed to get a job (which he only did after not telling his employer he was a werewolf) his depression lifted. He told himself he was getting a fresh start, a new life. He was meeting new people and making new friends. And people were free once again. They could return home at night without having to fear the Dark Mark hovering over their homes. Voldemort, who had caused such terror and horror that people still feared to say his name, was gone. These happy sentiments went away, however, when Remus lost his job. His employer found out he was a werewolf after less than a year and fired him on the spot.

Remus slipped in and out of depression as he was in and out of work. He felt better each time he got a new job, keeping himself busy and telling himself this was the one that would last. They never did, however, for more than two years.

The Ministry of Magic was not kind to werewolves. One year it passed a law that all werewolves must register with the Ministry, and their names would be put on a list, accessible to anyone who wished to view it. Remus toyed with the idea of not registering himself, but he would be sent to Azkaban when he was caught. Though he would be able to see Sirius again, this idea brought more pain than joy, and Remus went to the Ministry of Magic and registered himself.

Since then, it had become almost impossible for Remus to secure a job. Any place who hired him without first checking found out even sooner than before, and almost always fired him immediately. Soon later, the Ministry passed another law requiring businesses to ask on their applications whether or not the applicant was a werewolf, and to follow up by checking the registry to ensure they were telling the truth. Very few places would hire Remus knowing he was a werewolf, and any one that did replaced him as quickly as they could.

Remus grew steadily poorer, and felt more and more outcast from the Wizarding society.

One day he received an owl from his mother telling him his father had died. He left his apartment and returned home to be with her. She was beginning to get sick now, herself, and Remus thought bitterly of when he was a kid and told his friends she was sick so he'd have an excuse for where he was at the full moon.

She had been perfectly healthy then, but not anymore. Her illness grew worse and worse. She died two years after her husband, on a full moon. Remus cursed himself for not being able to be there for her in her last moments, because he had been in a separate room as a werewolf.

Doing that had become increasingly difficult, too, without anyone there to help him. Since he was older now, it was not quite as bad as when he'd been a young child, but he still had trouble.

Remus's mother left him her estate and the little money she had, but Remus knew it would not hold him over for long. He needed work, but all the places saw passed his nine O.W.L.s and five N.E.W.T.s to the fact that every month he locked himself safely in a dark room and attacked himself for a few hours before he collapsed from exhaustion.

One day when he was really hard-up, Remus remembered something Dumbledore had said to him, years ago, when the Order had disbanded: "If there's ever anything you need, Remus, anything, you know where I am."

Remus had always had the idea of teaching in the back of his mind, but the only subject he could possibly teach, and indeed, the only position always readily available, was Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Everyone knew the subject was cursed. Every teacher who had ever possessed the job only lasted one year as far back as Remus knew. Some had had terrible things happen to them. Nevertheless, Remus applied, knowing Dumbledore would not mind having him as a teacher any more than he'd minded having him as a student.

Dumbledore was delighted to give Remus the job, and even informed him that he would not even need to use the Shrieking Shack to transform.

"Severus Snape is our current Potions master," Dumbledore said. "He took the position when Professor Slughorn retired."

"Yes, I remember that," Remus responded, and he did, vividly. Just before the fall of Voldemort, the members of the Order were shocked to find that they were inducting a new member: Snape. He had been a Death Eater, but Dumbledore informed them that he had realized that what he was doing was wrong and decided to come and spy for them instead. Few had trusted him at first; the only reason they hadn't suspected him of working for Voldemort was because the real clue that a spy existed: the torture of Frank and Alice Longbottom, had happened before Snape joined the Order. Remus trusted him a bit more now, though. He had been the only Death Eater to come back to the good side _before_ Voldemort's fall.

After these few seconds' recollection, Remus waited patiently for Dumbledore to explain what Snape could possibly have to do with Remus's furry little problem.

"Right," Dumbledore said. "You have heard of the Wolfsbane Potion, I presume."

Remus nodded again. He'd read about its discovery in the papers a few years back. It was a potion that, if taken by a werewolf in the week preceding the full moon, would allow him to keep his mind when he transformed, not attacking unless he chose to, which he obviously wouldn't. Excited by this idea, Remus had run right out and purchased the first book which included it. However, the potion turned out to be extremely complicated and the ingredients rare and probably expensive. Immensely disappointed, Remus went back to the bookstore and argued with the salesman for a half hour before managing to return the book and get his fifteen galleons back. Remus now knew where Dumbledore was going. Snape had always a fantastic potion maker, and the school had plenty of money and means to obtain ingredients.

"I will instruct Severus to make the potion for you once a month," Dumbledore said. "I'm sure he will be delighted to do so."

"That's wonderful," Remus said, feeling better.

"You may take the train to the castle on the first day of school," Dumbledore said, smiling. "I trust you remember when and where."

Remus smiled in return. How could anyone ever forget? "King's Cross, London, platform nine and three-quarters, eleven o'clock, September first."

"Of course," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling. "You may want to arrive just a tad early, to avoid the rush of students."

"Yes, students," Remus said distractedly, immersed in the thought of how odd it would be on the train without Sirius, James, and Lily. "Hold on," Remus said. "Harry Potter. He'll—it's 1993—he'll be in school now, won't he?"

"He will," Dumbledore said, nodding. "He will begin his third year in the fall."

"Incredible," Remus said. "And I'll be his teacher. And if Harry is in school, the Longbottoms' son will be as well. They were born only a day apart."

"Neville," Dumbledore said, nodding again. "Yes, both young men are in their third year. And they're both in Gryffindor, too."

"Anyone else I might know?" Remus said eagerly.

"None personally," Dumbledore said, shaking his head. "There are several children of former Death Eaters. They've all ended up in Slytherin, but we're hoping they won't go the same way as their parents."

"Who's Head of Slytherin House, with Slughorn gone?" Remus asked, knowing the answer.

"Severus," Dumbledore said simply.

They spent awhile discussing other current members of the staff before Remus bade Dumbledore good day and went back home. He could already feel his depression lifting again. He had a job. He would be back at Hogwarts, a place which had always seemed familiar and homely to him. It would be different, as a teacher and without his friends with him, but quite interesting to see Harry Potter again, and see what sort of a wizard he'd become. Remus went home feeling very cheerful and enjoyed a calm, peaceful evening and sleep.

That all changed, however, with the arrival of the next morning's newspaper. The headline blared:

_Sirius Black Escapes from Azkaban_

Remus was so shocked that he dropped the paper. It couldn't be. It couldn't be. Azkaban had never had an escape before, and Sirius, of all people! Why did things always happen to the people that affected Remus most? He sighed and read on.

_Sirius Black, a top-security prisoner, escaped from Azkaban Prison late last night. Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge flew to Azkaban to speak to the Dementors, who are both confused and furious about the outbreak. Azkaban has never had an escape before, and the Dementors are clueless as to how he managed it. The only idea sources have is that he used Dark magic to escape, Dark magic he must have learned years ago from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Black was a known Death Eater back in the days before You-Know-Who's downfall. Some sources even claim that he was the one who told He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named where the Potters lived back when he wanted to kill them._

_Black was imprisoned, not for this, but for the murder of Peter Pettigrew and twelve Muggles the day after the downfall of You-Know-Who. He blew up an entire street in front of dozens of Muggle eyewitnesses and was sentenced to life in Azkaban, where he quietly spent the last twelve years._

_"I don't understand how it happened," mumbles a bewildered Fudge. "I was just there, just a few days before it happened. I spoke to __Black;__ I let him borrow my newspaper. And now he's escaped! We're doing everything we can to find him of course, hunt him down. We have Dementors searching everywhere, and I've spoken to the Muggle Prime Minister as well, so he'll make the Muggle news in the morning, have them out looking for him as well. However, I urge the Magical community to stay calm, contact the Ministry __immediately if you see him, and be careful! Murdering thirteen people with one curse, he's dangerous! But stay calm, keep your family close, and I'm sure we'll have him in…no…time."_

Remus sighed and put the paper down. He felt numb. Why now? What did Sirius want? After twelve years…

He found out what Sirius wanted later that same week. Dumbledore arranged a staff meeting a week before term started, and the first thing they discussed was Sirius.

"It has become clear that he is after Harry Potter," Dumbledore said. "Since Harry is the one who caused Voldemort's fall, and Black was a supporter of Voldemort, it's likely he believes that murdering Harry will bring Voldemort back. According to the guards, Black has been muttering in his sleep, 'He's at Hogwarts.' As the safety of my students is my number one concern, I want all of you to take any steps you feel necessary throughout the year to protect him and the other students. I believe Hogwarts is safe from Black as it is…however…the Ministry of Magic has required that we have Dementors guarding all entrances to the school from the time term starts until Black is caught."

Gasps and objections met this announcement, but Remus stayed quiet. His head was spinning. Sirius wanted to kill Harry. His own godson. Remus wondered how he'd escaped, how long he'd planned it, and how he planned to execute his mission. He'd try to come to Hogwarts, obviously, but with the Dementors…maybe it would be all right…but he'd already slipped past them once…Remus was unsure of what his feelings were. A school hardly seemed like the place for Dementors, anyway, but as Dumbledore said, safety was the number one concern. If Sirius wanted to get to Harry, simply other people would not stand in his way. He had shown, twelve years ago, that innocent lives meant nothing to him.

Remus took deep breaths and tried to focus on what Dumbledore was saying next. It concerned him. He was telling the other staff members that he was a werewolf (as he was required to by law, of course). He forbade the staff to tell the students, however, much to Remus's relief. The teachers were instructed to say that Remus was ill whenever he missed classes due to his transformations. Dumbledore assured them that Remus would be safe with the Wolfsbane Potion.

At the conclusion of the meeting, everyone got up to leave, talking amongst themselves and introducing or re-introducing themselves to Remus, shaking his hand or asking how he'd been.

"Doing well, thank you," Remus said distractedly. He was looking around the room. He had not spoken to Snape yet. It was not something he was particularly looking forward to, but he figured he might as well get it over with. He looked around for Snape, and finally spotted him in a corner, whispering furiously with Dumbledore. He looked over at Remus, noticed him watching, and began gesturing frantically. Remus looked away quickly, decided he would talk to Snape when term started, and left.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer:** Once again, some of the scenes are actually from a Harry Potter book and the dialogue belongs to JKR, not me. Again, I paraphrase the in between parts but the dialogue is completely unoriginal. Some of these scenes came from various chapters in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Chapter 16

Remus stepped once again onto the train and smiled to himself at his memories of this exact train years earlier. There was no stress or worry about finding a compartment now, as they were all empty and it would be awhile before students arrived. He chose a compartment at the very back of the train, set his suitcase in the overhead bins, and settled down in the seat next to the window.

All by himself, Remus decided he'd fancy a nap. He hadn't slept much last night, as it had been a full moon, so he decided to take advantage of the quiet train and comfortable seats. After a quarter of an hour or so, he heard voices outside and knew students were arriving, but he was half asleep and decided not to bother himself or them by getting up. He fell into a deeper sleep as the train started moving.

The next thing Remus knew, it was very dark, there were frightened voices, and the train had stopped. People were talking all at once, loud and fast, and Remus couldn't tell what was going on.

"Quiet," Remus said, conjuring up some flames to light the room and looking around at the frightened young faces around him. There were three boys and two girls, and Remus recognized one of the boys at once. It was as though he was looking at a miniature James, only his eyes were different and a lightning-shaped scar was visible beneath his untidy hair. "Stay where you are," he muttered, heading to the door.

However, the compartment door opened before he got to it and a dementor appeared. It turned as through looking around the room, for Sirius, Remus knew.

"None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks," Remus said.

The dementor did not move, but instead filled the air with a chill that made Remus begin to relive his worst memories. He ignored this, as the children were having it worse than him. The red-haired girl had started shaking. Harry had actually fallen out of his seat. Remus glared at the dementor. He kept thinking of the time when he was seventeen and going through a difficult period with Sirius, but forced himself to remember after that, when Sirius took him out and they made up. He pictured that night clearly in his brain, whispered, "_Expecto Patronum_," and shot his Patronus at the dementor. It left, and Remus knelt down to attend to Harry.

It was a few minutes before he could wake him up again. The lights were turned back on, and the train started moving again. Harry woke up, and Remus, feeling better, gave him and the others some chocolate. He knew there was nothing as good as chocolate for forgetting terrible memories and focusing on the positive.

He excused himself and left to ask the driver for an owl. He wanted to inform Professor McGonagall what had just happened.

Remus was looking forward to his first lesson with the third years. It was their year to study Dark Creatures, and Remus was delighted to find a boggart in the staffroom to practice with.

As he led the class down to the staffroom, he smiled at the memory of the first time he had to face a boggart. It had been nothing short of mortifying, but the way his friends comforted him had made him feel much better.

Nothing terrible like that could happen this time. The children would take it in turns, perhaps the more nervous going first with plenty of support and encouragement. His first third year class was all Gryffindors, who were noted for their bravery, but Remus felt a bit nervous about Harry's boggart. The thing he feared most would probably be Lord Voldemort. He knew there could be no possible good coming out of the figure of Lord Voldemort appearing in front of a room of 13-year-olds. He decided not to risk it, and prevent Harry from facing the boggart.

Harry seemed a bit put off by this. One weekend Remus met him in the hallways and invited him for a cup of tea. Remus could tell something was bothering him, and when he asked, Harry asked him why he'd deliberately stopped him from fighting the boggart.

Remus explained his reasoning, and Harry surprised him by saying that his worst fear wasn't Voldemort; he'd remembered the dementor on the train.

They had several other chats after that, sort of becoming friends. Another time after a lesson, Remus held Harry back to discuss a recent Quidditch match which the dementors illegally attended, causing Harry to faint again, falling off his broom and nearly dying.

Harry seemed quite upset and ashamed that the dementors affected him worse than anyone else, so Remus explained to him what dementors did. They affected Harry worse because Harry's past contained trauma others could not even fathom. Harry asked Remus to teach him how to defend himself against dementors and Remus reluctantly accepted. It was a complicated spell, and Remus was no expert.

Harry did much better than Remus expected, though. He didn't get it at first; he fell on the ground like the other times, reliving the murders of his parents.

"I heard my dad," Harry said, looking at Remus. "That's the first time I've ever heard him—he tried to take on Voldemort himself to give my mum time to run for it…"

"You heard James?" Remus asked. James…his second-best friend…he had been such a loyal friend, too, never judging him, always trying to help him…

"Yeah," Harry said. "Why—you didn't know my dad, did you?"

"I—I did, as a matter of fact. We were friends at Hogwarts." He changed the subject, telling Harry that the Patronus Charm was too advanced, that it was a bad idea. Harry insisted, though, and tried one more time.

He actually got it the third time. Not entirely, of course, but enough to remain standing until Remus finished it off. He was very impressed with Harry. He gave him a giant bar of chocolate and was about to send him off to bed when he said something else.

"Professor Lupin?"

Remus smiled to himself. Even after months of teaching, it still felt odd to be addressed that way.

"If you knew my dad," Harry continued. "you must've known Sirius Black as well."

Remus spun around on the spot. "What gives you that idea?" he said, thinking of Snape. Snape knew he and Sirius had been…and that was what he and Dumbledore had been arguing about before school started…Snape didn't trust him.

"Nothing," Harry said quickly. "I mean, I just knew they were friends at Hogwarts, too."

Remus let go of his breath. "Yes, I knew him," he answered. "Or I thought I did."

Harry did not bring Sirius up again, a fact for which Remus was grateful. It was difficult to even think about, let alone talk about. But it was impossible not to think about. Sirius had broken into the castle and escaped. He harmed no one but a portrait, but still…how did he do it?

The idea that he used his Animagus powers crossed Remus's mind more than once, but Remus convinced himself otherwise. He told himself Sirius had used Dark Magic to get in. He had to have used Dark Magic. If he'd done it by being an Animagus, then Remus was partially responsible because he was the only living person apart from Sirius himself who _knew_ he was an Animagus. And he hadn't told Dumbeldore. He couldn't. Because then Dumbledore would know…he'd gone behind his back after he'd been so kind to him. Dumbledore _trusted_ him. No one else had trusted him, no other school would let him in, no one would even hire him, but Dumbledore had. Remus couldn't tell him. He simply couldn't do it.

Remus tried to put Sirius out of his mind and focus instead on his lessons and his students, particularly Harry. Though they were clearly different people with different personalities, Harry reminded Remus of James quite a bit. This increased when Remus discovered a certain map in Harry's possession.

A long time ago, Remus would have been nothing short of ecstatic to find that the Marauder's Map was still at the school and being used by young troublemakers. Given the present circumstances, however, he was extremely disappointed. The map led to passages out of the castle, and the last thing Harry needed was to go wandering about unsupervised with Sirius after him. He confiscated the map from Harry, more relieved than ever that they had chosen not to sign it with their real names. He told Harry that James and Lily would have been disappointed with him. They died for him, and he was willingly putting his life in danger.

Other than the relief of _not_ losing his head and attacking himself once a month, things were not going to well for Remus, or for anyone else.

Sirius had managed to break into Hogwarts again, and this time he almost killed someone. Sirius had snuck into Gryffindor Tower when everyone was sleeping, but instead of killing Harry, accidentally woke up Harry's best friend Ron Weasley. Ron had apparently shouted and woke the others up, because Sirius had taken off without doing anything once again. And once again, he escaped without a trace. The dementors weren't helping at all. Remus knew Sirius would not stop until he had done what he set out to do. He had always been confident, ambitious, and determined. These were some of the traits that had attracted Remus in the first place…

Hagrid was having issues, too. Remus hadn't seen him since the days of the Order, but was pleased to discover that he had become close with Harry and his two best friends, Hermione Granger and Ron. Hagrid was also a new teacher this year, Care of Magical Creatures. Like Remus, he'd wanted an impressive and exciting first lesson. He'd made it a bit too exciting, however, and one of the students had been mauled by a hippogriff. He was okay, of course, and Dumbledore didn't fire Hagrid, but the hippogriff got sentenced to death. Hagrid was devastated by this, and Remus felt sure that Harry and his friends would sneak out to visit him on the night of its execution.

Remus had the confiscated Marauder's Map on his desk, and sure enough, three dots labeled Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger made their way out of the Gryffindor common room, down to the miniature Hagrid's hut, and disappeared inside it.

They were in there for awhile, and soon other dots moved toward Hagrid's house as well, belonging to the appeal committee and the executioner. Hagrid must have seen them out the window, because a minute later, the Harry, Ron, and Hermione dots reappeared outside the back of Hagrid's hut. Then Remus had to do a double-take. They were accompanied by a fourth dot: Peter Pettigrew.

Remus didn't believe it. It wasn't possible. It wasn't possible. Peter was dead. Sirius had murdered him twelve years ago. The Marauder's Map must be wrong.

But it couldn't be. The Marauder's Map was never wrong. If a dot labeled Peter Pettigrew was down on the Hogwarts grounds, then Peter Pettigrew _was_ down on the Hogwarts grounds.

Suddenly, so was Sirius. His dot rushed at the other four, collided with them, and then his dot, Ron's, and Pettigrews all moved at one toward the Whomping Willow and the secret passage to the Shrieking Shack. Harry and Hermione's dots followed it. Without thinking or pausing at all, Remus rushed out of the room to join them and find out what the hell was going on.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer:**_Okay, this whole thing is basically just a paraphrase of chapters seventeen through nineteen of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I'm telling it from Remus's point of view, and I have some of the exact text, I tried to summarize it as much as I could cos I know you could all just get the book and read it any time but it's obviously quite necessary to the story, and parts of it are a bit different because they're from Remus's point of view. But I'm not claiming ownership of the dialogue all the dialogue in this chapter belongs to JKR. All I own is Remus's thoughts on what's going on._

Chapter 17

Remus flew out of the castle down to the grounds and over to the Whomping Willow. He froze the tree and slipped down into the secret passage. He was running as fast as he could, but the passage was longer than he'd remembered. He finally got to the house, stumbled up the stairs, and heard Hermione's frightened voice.

"WE'RE UP HERE! WE'RE UP HERE—SIRIUS BLACK—_QUICK!_"

Remus pulled out his wand and hurried the rest of the way upstairs. If he didn't make it in time…_what_ was Peter doing _alive_? Remus ran into the room and looked around wildly. Ron was lying on the floor, his leg hurt. Hermione was by the door, looking as frightened as every. Harry was standing over Sirius, who looked worse for the wear, lying on the ground in a crumpled, bloody heap.

"_Expelliarmus!_" Remus shouted, and Harry's wand flew out of his hand and into Remus's, as did Ron's and Hermione's. Sirius was lying on the ground, looking at him. There was a ginger cat on his chest.

Remus took several deep breaths. "Where is he, Sirius?"

Sirius pointed at Ron, who looked very confused.

"But then…" Remus continued, not looking at Ron but at Sirius. He was trying to think and to register Sirius's appearance at the same time. None of this made sense. "…why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless—" _No,_ Remus thought_, it couldn't be. No! Sirius _was_ the Secret-Keeper, not Peter. But he had to know. Why else would Peter've?_ "—unless _he _was the one…unless you switched, without telling me?"

Sirius looked into Remus's eyes and nodded.

"Professor," Harry said, his voice sounding as though it came from far away. "What's going on—?"

Remus barely even heard him. His brain was working so fast, his heart pounding so fast he couldn't register anything else. Sirius _wasn't_ the one. Sirius _hadn't _been the Secret-Keeper, or the spy. He _hadn't_ betrayed James and Lily, that was Peter. _Sirius was innocent_.

And there he was, lying there. Remus had never seen him look so terrible. He was skin and bones, his hair was a mess, his teeth were yellow, there was no laughter in his face. But none of that mattered to Remus. All he knew was that this was Sirius, _the_ Sirius, _his_ Sirius. The good one. He wasn't the horrible man Remus thought he was for twelve years. He hadn't escaped from Azkaban to kill Harry—he'd done it to kill Pettigrew—because Pettigrew was the one…

Remus walked up to Sirius, reached down for his hand, and pulled him to his feet. He put his arms around Sirius and held him, held him tighter than he ever had before, barely daring to believe it. After all this time…and Sirius was good…and his arms were around him, holding him once again…if it weren't for the students and Pettigrew in the room…right here…right now. Remus held him so close, and felt Sirius hugging him back. He still couldn't believe it. Twelve years…he's missed him so much!

"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" screamed Hermione, pulling Remus very unpleasantly back to Earth. They still didn't know, didn't understand. They still thought. He let go of Sirius slightly to look at her and explain. "You—you—" she said.

"Hermione—"

"—you and him!"

"Hermione, calm down—"

"I didn't tell anyone!" she screamed, tears running down her face. "I've been covering up for you—"

"Hermione, listen to me, please!" Remus said. He'd let Sirius go completely now. There were more pressing matters. "I can explain—"

"I trusted you!" Harry shouted. "and all the time you've been his friend!"

"You're wrong," Remus said. "I haven't been Sirius's friend, but am now—Let me explain…"

"NO!" yelled Hermione. "Harry, don't trust him, he's been helping Black get into the castle, he wants you dead too—_he's a werewolf_!"

Remus sighed. _Here we go again_, he thought. He explained to them that he _was _a werewolf, but that didn't mean he'd been helping Sirius into the castle or anything of the sort. They still didn't want to trust him. They didn't understand. They didn't know. He wanted to explain to them, but they were making accusations…this was taking too long. Remus gave the children back their wands and put his away. "There," he said. "You're armed…" he put his own wand away. "We're not. Now will you listen?"

Remus spent the next quarter of an hour explaining that he knew Sirius was there because of the Marauder's Map. He wasted a lot of time answering their bewildered questions, and knew Sirius felt the same way. He could see him, see how anxious he looked. How he kept glancing at Ron. They finally arrived at the part where Remus saw Sirius taking him and Pettigrew into the Shrieking Shack.

"I watched as he pulled two of you into the Whomping Willow—"

"One of us!" Ron said. He still didn't understand. Remus still needed to explain to him.

"No, Ron. Two of you." He looked at Ron, who was still lying on the ground, hurt. Remus had noticed since the beginning of the year that he'd had a pet rat, as he carried it with him almost everywhere, but he'd _never_, _ever _made the connection. Not until tonight. "Do you think I could have a look at the rat?" Remus asked him.

"What? What's Scabbers got to do with it?"

"Everything. Could I see him, please?"

Remus pulled the rat out of his robes but did not give him to Remus. Remus moved closer to him and looked at the rat, who was very thin and desperately trying to escape. Ron had to hold on to the tip of his tail to keep a hold on him.

"What?" asked Ron again, holding Scabbers. "What's my rat got to do with anything?"

"That's not a rat," Sirius said.

"What d'you mean—of course he's a rat—"

"No he's not," Remus said. He recognized him now. He was much thinner than he remembered, but it was definitely him. "He's a wizard."

"An Animagus," Sirius said. "by the name of Peter Pettigrew."

The students didn't believe him.

"Peter Pettigrew's _dead_," Harry said. "_He _killed him twelve years ago!"

"I meant to," Sirius said. "but little Peter got the better of me…not this time, though!" Sirius lost control and dived at Ron, reaching desperately for Pettigrew.

"Sirius, NO!" Remus yelled, lunging forward to drag Sirius back. "WAIT! You can't do it just like that—they need to understand—we've got to explain—"

"We can explain afterwards!" Sirius screamed. He tried to throw Remus off, tried to reach for Pettigrew, but Remus held him tightly.

"They've—got—a—right—to—know—everything!" It was difficult for Remus to speak; Sirius was fighting him so hard. "Ron's kept him as a pet! There are parts of it even I don't understand! And Harry—you owe Harry the truth, Sirius!"

Sirius finally relented, and Remus, slightly reluctantly, let go of him.

They explained that even though there were eyewitnesses that saw Pettigrew die, they didn't see what they thought they saw. Everyone thought he was dead, even Remus, until he saw the map. Hermione argued that Pettigrew couldn't be an Animagus because he wasn't on the registry, but Remus explained that the Marauders had never registered themselves. Sirius was still impatient and urged Remus to get on with the story. Remus was much calmer now that his audience was as well, and explained to Sirius that he would need help because he didn't know it all.

At one point the bedroom door opened by itself. Remus looked out into the hall but there was no one there. Remus explained about how he had become a werewolf, and how he used to come here, to the Shrieking Shack, to transform. He told them of how he'd been friends with Sirius and James and Pettigrew, and how they'd become Animagi to be with him when he transformed. He told them about the conflict he'd been having with himself all year, whether or not to tell Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus. Then he told them about Snape, and about how Sirius had played a 'joke' on him back in their sixth year at school.

Then something quite unexpected happened. Snape himself appeared. He pulled off James's invisibility cloak and pointed his wand at Remus. He'd apparently been listening to every word they'd said. Of course, he'd shown himself and interrupted their story _before_ they'd come to the most important part.

Remus tried to explain, to make him listen, but Snape shot cords at Remus to tie him up and then pointed his wand at Sirius, threatening to kill him. _Wanting_, Remus could see the desire in his eyes. _Wanting,_ so badly, to kill him.

The students, who had heard enough of the story to begin to believe it and want more, begged Snape to let Remus and Sirius be until they finished. When he refused, all three disarmed him at the same time, knocking him out.

Sirius came over and untied Remus.

"Thank you, Harry," Remus said.

"I'm still not saying I believe you," Harry said warily.

"Then it's time we offered you some proof. You, boy—give me Peter, please. Now."

Ron didn't want to give in. Remus was sure he loved his pet and it was quite obvious that he and Sirius wanted to cause him harm. "Come off it," he said. "Are you trying to say he broke out of Azkaban just to get his hands on _Scabbers_? I mean…Okay, say Pettigrew could turn into a rat—there are millions of rats—how's he supposed to know which one he's after if he was locked up in Azkaban?"

"You know, Sirius, that's a fair question," Remus said, frowning at Sirius. "How _did_ you find out where he was?"

Sirius pulled part of a newspaper out of his robes. It was a _Daily Prophet_ from last summer. Underneath the story _Ministry of Magic Employee Scoops Grand Prize_was a photograph of Ron and his family. Scabbers—Pettigrew, was sitting on Ron's shoulder.

"How did you get this?" Remus whispered, taking the paper from Sirius.

"Fudge. When he came to inspect Azkaban last year, he gave me his paper. And there was Peter, on the front page…on this boy's shoulder…I knew him at once…how many times had I seen him transform? And the caption said the boy would be going back to Hogwarts…to where Harry was…"

"My God," Remus said, looking at the rat in the picture and the one in Ron's hands. "His front paw…"

"What about it?" Ron said.

"He's got a toe missing," Sirius explain.

"Of course," Remus breathed. "So simple…so _brilliant_…he cut it off himself?"

"Just before he transformed," Sirius said, nodding. "When I cornered him, he yelled for the whole street to hear that I'd betrayed Lily and James. Then, before I could curse him, he blew apart the street with the wand behind his back, killed everyone within twenty feet of himself—and sped down into the sewer with the other rats…"

"Didn't you ever hear, Ron?" Remus asked, looking at him. "The biggest bit of Peter they found was his finger."

Sirius explained how the cat had been helping him break into the school and told him when Pettigrew faked his death as a rat and escaped, hiding in Hagrid's house.

"And why did he fake his death?" Harry demanded. "Because he knew you were about to kill him like you killed my parents!"

"No," Remus said quickly, "Harry—"

"And now you've come to finish him off!"

"Yes, I have," Sirius said, glaring at the rat.

"Then I should have let Snape take you!" screamed Harry.

"Harry," Remus said, working to catch his eye. "don't you see? All this time we've thought Sirius betrayed your parents, and Peter tracked him down—but it was the other way around, don't you see? _Peter_ betrayed your mother and father—Sirius tracked _Peter_ down—"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE! HE WAS THEIR SECRET-KEEPER! HE SAID SO BEFORE YOU TURNED UP. HE SAID HE KILLED THEM!"

Harry pointed at Sirius again. Sirius shook his head slowly.

"Harry," he said softly, as though it was causing him pain to talk. "I as good as killed them. I persuaded Lily and James to change to Peter at the last moment, persuaded them to use him as Secret-Keeper instead of me…I'm to blame, I know it…The night they died, I'd arranged to check on Peter, make sure he was still safe, but when I arrived at his hiding place, he'd gone. Yet there was no sign of a struggle. It didn't feel right. I was scared. I set out for your parents' house straight away. And when I saw their house, destroyed, and their bodies…I realized what Peter must've done…what I'd done…"

Sirius's voice broke. Remus watched him turn around so they wouldn't see him.

"Enough of this," Remus said forcefully, so the students' heads turned toward him and away from Sirius.

After some more persuasion, Ron finally consented to give Scabbers to Remus, and he and Sirius pointed their wands at him and transformed him back into Peter Pettigrew.

Pettigrew played dumb. He acted as though he was never the Secret-Keeper, as though Sirius wanted to kill him in cold blood. He pretended he'd been hiding as a rat for twelve years to hide from Sirius. He said he could tell Sirius would break out eventually, using Dark magic.

Sirius explained, he told Pettigrew, though he already knew, and Remus and Harry and his friends. Pettigrew was the one spying for Voldemort. Sirius didn't know, so he convinced the Potters to use him as the Secret-Keeper. As soon as he was made the Secret-Keeper, Pettigrew ran straight to Voldemort and told him where the Potters lived. They were dead less than a week after the Charm was performed.

Sirius and Remus were ready to kill Pettigrew. He was the reason James and Lily were dead. He was the reason Sirius spent the last twelve years in Azkaban. Pettigrew began begging for his life.

"Remus!" he pleaded. "You don't believe this…wouldn't Sirius have told you if they'd changed the plan?"

"Not if he thought I was the spy, Peter," Remus said simply. He turned to Sirius. "I assume that's why you didn't tell me, Sirius?"

"Forgive me, Remus."

"Not at all, Padfoot, old friend," Remus said, smiling at Sirius and rolling up his sleeves. "And will you, in turn, forgive me for believing _you_ were the spy?"

"Of course," Sirius said, almost smiling back. He rolled up his sleeves as well. "Shall we kill him together?"

"Yes, I think so," Remus said, sighing.

They never did, though. Pettigrew continued to beg for his life, and Harry gave in on behalf of James. He said James wouldn't have wanted Remus and Sirius to become killers, to kill a man who had once been their friend. They decided to take him up to the dementors. He could go to Azkaban for what he did. And Sirius would be free.

Remus and Sirius agreed with Harry. If anyone had a right to decide Pettigrew's fate, it was him. They tied him up, and agreed that they _would_ kill him if he tried to transform. Remus and Ron agreed to be chained to Pettigrew so he wouldn't get away in case he transformed.

The group made their way downstairs, out of the Shrieking Shack, down the passage, and out onto the Hogwarts grounds. "One wrong move, Peter," Remus said, pointing his wand at Pettigrew's chest.

Suddenly he felt funny. His skin was prickling. The hair on his arms was growing at an alarming rate, becoming thicker, grayer. He took a deep breath and realized that his mouth had become a snout. He looked up to the sky in time to see the full moon coming out from behind a cloud before a new feeling overtook him: hunger. And there was meat. There, and there, and there. Flesh, blood. Remus smacked his jaws. But which one to go after. They were running in all directions, and a black dog was coming at him…he couldn't move, he was chained to something. He howled his frustration. But it wouldn't last long…there was a boy, a delicious young boy, right there…the dog was preventing him from getting to his meat…he fought it, tried to bite it…it wouldn't give up…Remus found himself free…the dog was still fighting him…he managed to shake it free and ran off into the forest, looking for meat.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

The next thing Remus knew, he was human again and passed out on the grounds. He got up and racked his brain furiously, mortified by what had happened. He remembered encountering Sirius as a dog, but nothing too clear after that. Relief flooded him. He would remember it if he had bitten someone.

But he missed what happened. Was Sirius okay? Was he clear? Was Wormtail in custody? Remus ran, almost flew, to Dumbledore's office to get caught up.

His face fell further with each word he heard. Sirius was _not_ clear, Wormtail was _not_ in custody. They were both gone before anyone had a chance to hear from them. Sirius was still presumed guilty; Wormtail was still presumed dead. Sirius would have to go into hiding because no one except Dumbledore believed that Pettigrew was alive and Sirius innocent.

Remus hung his head. He hadn't seen him for twelve years, _twelve years_, and all he got was a five second hug in front of four other people, and now he wouldn't be able to see him again for who knew how long.

The bad news continued. Snape had accidentally told some of his students that Remus was a werewolf, and the whole school would know before long.

"I'll resign, then," Remus sighed. "It's for the best, anyway. After what happened last night…that was much too dangerous. I'll go down to my office now and pack my things."

"I'll make arrangements for the train to take you home," Dumbledore said. "I'll be down when it's ready." He placed his hand gently on Remus's shoulder. "Again," he said. "Anything I can do, just say the word, Remus."

Remus forced a smile, nodded, and left Dumbledore's office for his own. He had almost finished packing when Harry arrived at his office.

Harry didn't want Remus to resign, a fact which quite pleased him, but he knew he had no choice. They discussed his Patronus. Harry finally managed to conjure up a full Patronus when he and Sirius had been attacked by dementors last night. He saved both their lives. His Patronus took the form of a stag, the form of James.

Remus smiled when he heard this, and told Harry that James _was_ a stag when he transformed, and that was why they called him Prongs. He also gave Harry the Marauder's Map back. He knew James would have wanted him to have it.

Dumbledore came down a minute later to tell Remus his carriage had arrived. He shook hands with Dumbledore, smiled at Harry, and left.

Remus stared out the window of the Hogwarts Express at the fields that passed by. His house felt so cold and lonely when he got home. Lonely and cold and much too quiet.

Remus mourned over Sirius. It had only been for an hour, maybe, combining the time last night and the time this morning, that he thought he'd have him once again. But for that time, his hopes had been so high. Part of him had never stopped loving Sirius despite what he thought he'd done. He'd been furious at that part for over twelve years when he thought he'd murdered his friends, but now he was grateful for it.

Except that it made him sad now. After being able to hold him for a minute, to look into his amazing eyes once more, and his face even though it was sunken and gaunt now, and hearing his voice after all these years…Remus didn't know when he'd see him again.

He thought about Sirius and dreamt about him sometimes. One day he was overjoyed to actually receive a letter from Sirius, which spoke of how good it had been to see him, what a relief it had been that he'd believed him, and some finer details about what had transpired thirteen years ago. Sirius also spoke of Harry a bit, saying that he'd made contact with him and planned to watch out for him the best he could.

Remus responded immediately, but it wasn't until late fall that he heard from Sirius again. He devoted most of the letter to comments on Harry and what was going on with him at school. Remus was pleased at how well Sirius was stepping up to his role as godfather despite the circumstances, but he really wanted to hear how Sirius was doing. Harry and his current situations concerned him, of course, but Dumbledore was keeping him quite up to date.

Sirius next letters were quite similar, including the fact that they were spaced far apart. Remus simply skimmed over the parts about Harry to the end of the letter, where Sirius had hastily scribbled, _I'm missing you and thinking of you every day. I really hope I'll be able to see you soon_.

The words were kind and made Remus feel good, but he couldn't help thinking that if Sirius really did think of him every day, he might write more often. Remus simply told himself that Sirius didn't have much to say other than news on Harry. And there was no lack of news on Harry. Someone could write a 734-book just on news on Harry.

He had been entered against his will in a tournament, and everyone felt certain that whoever had entered him was trying to kill him. The tournament consisted of three tasks, and Sirius had written him after each of the first two, assuring him that Harry had gotten through all right. Remus so looked forward to any word from Sirius, if just for the 'love' at the bottom of the letter before his name, that he hadn't bothered writing back to tell him that he already knew all of this from Dumbledore.

On the night of Harry's third task, Remus paced his room anxiously. He knew he wouldn't hear from Sirius or Dumbledore for at least a day or two, but he was very anxious. He had a feeling something bad was going to happen.

It was almost two in the morning before Remus finally forced himself to go to bed, but as he turned to head up the stairs, he heard someone at the door.

Remus turned toward it, curious. It wasn't knocking, exactly. It was more of a…scratching. And then a thud, as though whoever it was had thrown themselves against the door. Remus crept quietly up to his door and peeked out the peephole.

A large black dog was sitting on his doorstep.

"Sirius," Remus said to himself. "What are you doing here?" Remus opened the door slowly, and the moment he did, the dog bounded into the house, waited for Remus to close the door, and transformed into his boyfriend.

"It's the most dreadful news, Remus," Sirius said before Remus could even open his mouth.

Remus felt his stomach drop. "Harry…" he said.

"Voldemort," Sirius clarified. "He's back."

"W-What?" Remus said.

"Voldemort has returned," Sirius said. "He's alive. He's got a body, and a wand, and some Death Eaters, including Pettigrew…"

Remus swallowed. "How do you know?"

"Harry saw," Sirius said. "Voldemort used Harry's blood to return. It's…it's a long story. I don't fully understand all of it. Harry dueled with Voldemort, he managed to escape. Physically, he's perfectly fine, Remus. It's just what he saw, what he's been through…But he's like James, Moony. He's strong. He'll be all right. Dumbledore…he had me contact the old Order members and then come and stay with you until he contacts me. I suppose he's starting it up again; the first meeting will probably be tomorrow night or something. I'm sure…he'll explain everything there. The parts I've missed, anyway. I…I don't know."

Remus felt as confused as ever, but he managed to get out several facts in his head. Harry was all right. Voldemort was back. Dumbledore was starting the Order of the Phoenix again. In the meantime, Sirius was here.

Remus cleared his throat and figured he might as well be a good host. "Sir, do you want a drink or something?"

"Maybe a firewhiskey," Sirius said grimly. "Might help."

Remus nodded. "And…go ahead and sit down. You must be tired. I'd offer you a bed but…I doubt you're in the mood to sleep."

Sirius shook his head. "Couldn't if I tried."

Remus nodded again and disappeared into the kitchen to get Sirius his drink, and then sat down on the couch beside him.

"Thanks," Sirius said.

"So…" Remus began. "You say Harry saw Voldemort return…how?"

"The Triwizard Cup was a Portkey. It took Harry to this graveyard miles away; he doesn't know where it was. The Diggory boy went, too; apparently they took the cup together. The first thing they did was murder the Diggory boy. Then they made a potion with ash from a grave, Harry's blood, and Pettigrew…chopped off his own hand and threw it in the potion as well."

Remus shuddered. Sirius told him more, how Mad-Eye Moody, who'd taken over Remus's post of Defense Against the Dark Arts, wasn't Moody at all, but an imposter, a Death Eater. _He _entered Harry in the tournament, he ensured Harry got to the Triwizard cup first, he turned it into a Portkey.

"I can't believe it," Remus said. "Alastor Moody, the famous auror…we thought he was the best…he _is_ the best…and if they can take him…"

"Moody'll be all right," Sirius said.

"Still…" Remus sighed deeply, shaking his head.

"Remus, I'm sorry," Sirius said. His voice contained a note of pleading.

"For what?" Remus asked incredulously.

"All this. The bearer of bad news and everything."

"It's not your fault! You've done nothing wrong, Sirius. I'd rather know than be ignorant. Don't be sorry. I'm glad you told me. I would have found out, anyway, with the Order starting…"

"I know," Sirius said, looking into his glass. "It's just…this isn't how I pictured our first night together again."

"Sirius…" Remus said. He didn't know what to say, so touched his shoulder gently. "At least we are together again. You're out of Azkaban, Harry's all right. Dumbledore's starting the Order again, it will be like before. Only this time it will be the end of him, Sirius. This time it will be better. He has fewer Death Eaters this time, Sirius."

"We have fewer Order members, too."

"We'll recruit more. And we have enough to last us until we do. There's Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape—"

"Snape," Sirius said mockingly. Remus ignored him.

"There's Emmeline Vance still, there's Moody, Mundungus Fletcher, Hagrid—"

"You, me," Sirius said. His fingers brushed the side of Remus's hand. Remus looked at him. This was the first time they'd touched, the first time they'd had skin contact…

"Sirius," Remus said.

"Remus…"

Remus put his arms around Sirius and held him, hold him more tightly than he ever had before. Sirius embraced Remus simultaneously, pushing him down on the couch and squeezing him. Remus buried his head in Sirius's shoulder. They expressed all the feelings, all the emotions they had in that hug: worry, sadness, relief, love, joy, grief, frustration, fear, desire, confusion, comprehension, apprehension, anger, everything.

They sat there on the couch holding each other for a very long time, supporting each other and feeling, feeling what the other was feeling.

Dumbledore called upon them the very next day arranging an Order meeting for the next evening.

"We can have it at my house," Sirius said. "It's not a very pleasant place, but it's very secure. My family liked privacy."

"Excellent," Dumbledore said. "We'll go there and perform the spell immediately. You've alerted the old members?"

"Yes, sir."

"All right," Dumbledore said. "We'll go now, then. Remus, I'll inform you of the location and see you at the meeting later."

Remus nodded.

"Sir," Sirius said, glancing from Dumbledore to Remus. "A moment?"

Dumbledore nodded and stepped smartly out of the room. Sirius walked up to Remus. "Listen," he said. "If we're going to use my house as headquarters, I want you to come live there with me, too."

Remus closed his eyes and nodded. Sirius's hands were on his waist.

"I love you," Sirius said. "I'll get away as soon as I can."

"I love you," Remus breathed. Sirius kissed him briefly before departing after Dumbledore.


	19. Chapter 19

**Claimer:** Sorry, but this time the bad pun (paragraph 3) was definitely intended.

Chapter Nineteen

Sirius and Dumbledore did not return again until that evening. Dumbledore stayed only to tell Remus the location of the new Order of the Phoenix headquarters. Sirius ate a quiet and somber dinner with Remus and then collapsed into bed beside him. They were both in desperate need of sleep.

Remus moved into Sirius's house the very next morning, and they spent the day preparing it for the meeting. The house was very, putting it mildly, dirty. The Blacks' old house elf still lived there, but it was clear he hadn't cleaned a thing in years.

"Well, this'll be my summer project, then," Sirius said gloomily. "Ridding this house of everything that lives here except humans and that creature over there." He gestured at the house elf.

The first Order meeting did not bring good news. The first thing Dumbledore had done upon hearing of Voldemort's return, of course, was inform the Ministry. Most unfortunately, they refused to believe him because his only proof was Harry's word and they didn't trust Harry. This was a great advantage to the Death Eaters. This way they could build their army in secret and wouldn't come out into the open until the opportune moment.

Dumbledore outlined the three most important goals: protecting Harry Potter, spying on the Death Eaters, and recruiting new members for the Order.

The first goal would be taken in shifts and would consist of keeping him out of danger, making sure he didn't go anywhere he shouldn't go or do anything he shouldn't do, and not telling him what they were doing because he'd do his best to shake them if they did.

The second goal would be accomplished mostly by Snape. After Voldemort's return, Dumbledore had ordered Snape to go to him, to pretend he was still a Death Eater as loyal to Voldemort as ever. He had done so, and Voldemort trusted him now. So Snape would spy on Voldemort and the Death Eaters and report their actions at every meeting.

The third goal might prove difficult, but Dumbledore thought he was already making progress. He'd spoken to Arthur and Molly Weasley, Ron's parents, and they seemed interested in joining. They had a total of seven children, three overage, and could probably persuade one or two of them to join as well. The Weasleys would probably be at the next meeting. Arthur worked at the Ministry or Magic, and since the Ministry was being difficult, it would help to have Order members who worked there to report any important actions.

No one at the meeting looked very enthusiastic or hopeful. The news that Voldemort had returned had not quite sunken in yet, but it was beginning to.

"The road ahead of us is long," Dumbledore said. "And it will be difficult. Each of us has a different path of life, and no one can tell how long theirs will be or what they'll be able to accomplish in it. But all of us together unite our paths, and as some end and others begin, the road as a whole keeps going. This road is the road of the Order. At the end lies a Voldemort defeated, completely defeated. This Order means commitment to the cause. When we are at war, lives are in danger. We must be willing to give our lives for the lives of others, and give our lives for our cause. This is the vow we made when we joined. Some are no longer among us because they have already given their lives."

Dumbledore bowed his head for a moment, and Remus glanced at Sirius. He was staring hard at the table.

"Hopefully that won't happen again," Dumbledore continued. "But we need to be prepared for it if it does. We can't pretend there is no danger. That will just make us all more vulnerable."

The Order nodded in agreement. The meeting ended shortly after that. Sirius and Remus nodded at and shook hands with the members as they exited the room. Dumbledore was the last one to leave, and the smiled at Sirius and Remus before nodded and departing.

Sirius closed the door behind him and sighed at Remus. "Well," he said.

"Well," Remus repeated, studying him.

"Now what?"

They looked at each other.

"Come here," Remus said softly, and Sirius stepped closer to him. They kissed, softly and gently, each savoring the other. They stopped when Kreacher the house elf walked in and interrupted them, but Sirius just took Remus's hand and they went upstairs. They went into Sirius's bedroom and picked up where they'd left off. They went farther and farther but stayed gentle and tender and slow, never rough or violent like before. Sirius wasn't distracted like before, either. He was warm and loving, passionate but not crazy-intense. It was different than Remus used to remember, but honestly, better than it had ever been before.

Less than a week later, the Order had six new members. Four of these were Weasleys: Arthur and Molly and two of their sons, Bill and Charlie. The other two were Ministry of Magic aurors that Dumbledore had managed to convince that Voldemort had returned.

One of these was actually related to Sirius, though he'd never met her before. She was a young woman named Nymphadora Tonks. She hated her first name and preferred it when people simply called her "Tonks." She was a Metamorphmagus, which meant she could change her appearance at will. She didn't hide one of her Black features, though.

"I can tell you're related to him," Remus said, shaking her hand when they met. "You have his smile."

Tonks's grin broadened. "I hope that's a good thing," she said.

"A very good thing," Remus said, nodding. "It's a pity you never saw him before he went to Azkaban. He used to be so handsome."

"I've still got it, though? The looks?" She flipped her hair to the side, changing its color from pink to purple as she did and smiling at Remus.

Remus laughed. He enjoyed seeing Tonks at meetings. She was fun to talk to. A bit of a flirt, but Remus didn't mind. She was always cheerful, and she brightened up rooms that desperately needed brightening up.

Since Tonks and so many other people were spending a lot of time at Order headquarters, the place really needed to be fixed up. Six Weasleys and Hermione had moved into the house for the summer to help accomplish this task, which apparently proved difficult. Since five of the house's nine inhabitants were teenagers unable to join the Order, they spent all their time trying to eavesdrop on what it was about.

The Order was making progress as the week passed as well, thanks (though Sirius wouldn't admit it) mainly to Snape. As he was able to spy on Voldemort, he knew what he wanted, more specifically than Dumbledore could guess.

Voldemort wanted more followers, and unlike the Ministry he wasn't against other breeds, so long as they could serve him. Voldemort was trying to recruit giants and werewolves.

Dumbledore had guessed Voldemort wanted giants because he used them last time and had already sent Hagrid on a mission to bring them to the Order's side before they joined Voldemort. The werewolf part, however, was where Remus came in.

He couldn't do what Hagrid was doing, try and persuade them to switch sides, but if he could get them to trust him, Remus could be a very useful spy.

It felt good to have a job and a mission again, even though it brought him away from Sirius again several days at a time. However, he did get to see Sirius ever once-in-a-while, and it was always good when he did. He devoted most of his attention to Remus and only spoke of Harry…about half the time they were talking about something.

One night Remus returned to Grimmauld Place only to hear that Harry had illegally used magic outside of school.

"The Ministry wanted to expel him from Hogwarts," Sirius said. "This isn't the first time he's broken the decree. They already sent him a letter telling him he's expelled, but obviously Dumbledore won't expel him. I wrote and told him to stay home; I figured he'd want to run off."

"Wasn't someone watching him, though? Wasn't it established at the first meeting of the Order someone must be on him twenty-four-seven?"

"Yeah, well, it was Dung's turn tonight…I like him just fine, but you know how unreliable he is."

Remus sighed. "Well, that explains it then, I guess. I wonder what he needed to use magic for, though. He knows the Ministry's not too friendly at the moment."

"I don't know," Sirius said, shrugging.

They didn't find out until the next night, when Dumbledore called an emergency Order meeting. Waiting for the members to arrive, Remus was sitting at the table writing a letter, and Sirius was eating a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, occasionally throwing half of one across the table for Remus to finish.

"Can't figure out what this one is," Sirius said. "Tastes like absolutely nothing, nothing at all. Moony, you try."

Remus caught the other half of the bean in his hand, ate it, and smiled. "I knew it," he said. "I knew they made a bean flavored like the inside of your mouth. That's why you couldn't taste anything."

"You're joking."

"Come here, let me compare."

Sirius put the box down on the table, got up, and walked over to Remus. He bent down to kiss him, and Remus put his hands on either side of Sirius's jaw. Sirius did the same.

"That is what it was," Remus said, pulling back but not letting go. "But I prefer the real thing." He and Sirius kissed again for a few minutes until they heard a throat clear behind them.

"I hate to interrupt your…whatever it was you were doing," a cold voice said. Sirius and Remus pulled the rest of the way apart and turned around quickly.

Sirius said coldly, "We'll pick up on it later then."

"Good evening, Severus," Remus said calmly.

Snape's lip curled. "A letter for you, Black," Snape said, tossing it carelessly at Sirius as though glad to be rid of it. He seated himself at the table.

"Harry's been attacked by dementors!" Sirius said incredulously. "Blimey—that must have been what he used magic for!"

"Of course," Snape said in a silky voice that dripped with sarcasm. "Attacked by dementors. He can't prove it, of course. Excellent."

"What do you mean, excellent?" Sirius snapped as a few more Order members entered the room, including Tonks.

She smiled at Remus as she came in, glanced over at Snape, and changed her nose so it resembled his for only Remus to see. Remus chuckled, and Tonks smiled at him again before changing back.

Sirius was still raging at Snape. "—If he can't prove it, they'll be determined to expel him—"

"—But they will not be successful," a calm voice interrupted. Sirius turned around to see that Dumbledore had just walked in. "I have the sole authority to expel students from my school, and as everyone in this room knows, Harry will return on September first just like any other student."

"Dumbledore," Sirius said, thrusting the letter at him. "Dementors! Harry—"

"Thank you, Sirius," Dumbledore said. "I know. Arabella told me. We can discuss the matter after I call this meeting to order. Is everyone here?"

Dumbledore decided it would be unwise for Harry to remain with his aunt and uncle much longer, so he arranged for several Order members to pick him up. He wanted it to be done as soon as possible, but decided to wait a few days until Remus returned again from the mission he was leaving on the next day. It would be best if someone he knew went with to pick him up.

The meeting ended shortly after this matter was settled as they did not have much else to discuss and there would be another, more complete, meeting at the end of the week.

Sirius was arguing a bit with Dumbledore as everyone else left. He wanted to go with to get Harry, to do _something_ for the Order, but it was out of the question. The magical and Muggle worlds both still thought he was a mass murderer, and the risk of him being spotted was just too great.

He was moody as he and Remus went upstairs, and Remus tried to cheer him up by telling him that at least he would see Harry in a few days time. This tactic seemed to work, as Sirius's bad mood lifted, but he spent the next half hour talking about Harry. He crawled into bed beside Remus with every intention of sleeping, his assurance from earlier, apparently, forgotten.


	20. Chapter 20

Usual disclaimer, a few dialogue lines belong to JKR from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, chapter The Order of The Phoenix.

Chapter Twenty

Remus left early the next morning to pursue other werewolves with whom he was trying to make 'friends.' They didn't trust him, knowing he had attempted to live life as a normal wizard, but he figured he'd work on that by spending more time with them and pretending he was rid of regular werewolves forever and in full support of Voldemort. They were trying to build up an army by biting people (children, if they could, easier to brainwash) and then recruiting them. But Remus had been living his current lifestyle for over thirty years now, and these werewolves preferred new 'meat' as they called it. Newly bitten werewolves they could manipulate from the beginning.

Remus returned to Grimmauld Place a few days later but left right away again with a small group of other Order members, including Tonks, to collect Harry Potter. It took them a long time to get back, as they had to fly, and they were late for the meeting, which turned out to be very important.

Snape finally had absolute confirmation that Voldemort wanted the prophecy that had been made about him and Harry sixteen years ago.

No one really knew much about this prophecy (Remus suspected Dumbledore know more about it than anyone but wasn't letting on). Most of the wizarding world did not even know about real prophecies in general. Everyone knew that the Ministry of Magic had a department of Mysteries, but only those who worked in that department knew what was inside. There were rumors, though, and one of these rumors was that there was a Hall of Prophecies, where all the prophecies ever made in Great Britain were kept. No one knew whether this was true. Well, very few knew.

This few now included the Order of the Phoenix. Dumbledore instructed the Order to take turns guarding the door to the Department of Mysteries. They couldn't go in, obviously, but someone had to be there round the clock, making sure no Death Eaters or anyone who didn't belong there broke in either. Just like when they had been keeping guard over Harry, they would have to wear invisibility cloaks while doing this guard duty, because the Ministry would not welcome them.

For about the millionth time, Sirius volunteered, but Dumbledore shot him down.

The meeting ended quite late, and all the members not staying for dinner left. Sirius went upstairs to bring the knowledge-thirsty teenagers down for dinner.

Afterward, they were determined to know what was going on. Molly did not want to tell anyone anything, Sirius wanted to give, at least Harry, some of the facts.

Two of the Weasleys' other sons, Fred and George, objected to the unfairness of Harry, who was younger than them, knowing more than they did.

"It's not my fault you haven't been told what the Order's doing," Sirius said. "That's your parents' decision. Harry, on the other hand—"

"It's not down to you to decide what's good for Harry," Molly snapped. "You haven't forgotten what Dumbledore said, I suppose?"

"Which bit?" Sirius said darkly. Remus got the idea he thought Dumbledore had been saying too many things to him recently for him to keep track of each one. Most of the room was looking back and forth at Sirius and Molly each time, they spoke, but Remus kept his eyes on Sirius, watching his reactions to what Molly said.

"The bit about not telling Harry more than he _needs to know_," Molly said, looking carefully at Sirius.

"I don't intend to tell him more than he _needs to know_, Molly, but as he was the one who saw Voldemort come back, he has more right than most to—"

"He's not a member of the Order of the Phoenix!" Molly insisted. "He's only fifteen and—"

"—and he's dealt with as much as most in the Order, and more than some—"

"No one's denying what he's done!" Molly looked scared and nervous. "But he's still—"

"He's not a child!" Sirius said.

"He's not an adult either!" Molly shouted. "He's not _James, _Sirius!"

Sirius glared at her, a very ugly look on his face indeed. "I'm perfectly clear who he is, thanks, Molly."

"I'm not sure you are!" Molly said. "Sometimes, the way you talk about him, it's as though you think you've got your best friend back!"

"What's wrong with that?" Harry said.

"What's wrong, Harry, is that you are _not_ your father, however much you might look like him!" Molly and Sirius were still looking daggers at each other. "You are still at school and adults responsible for you should not forget it!"

"Meaning I'm an irresponsible godfather?" Sirius shouted.

"Meaning you've been known to act rashly, Sirius, which is why Dumbledore keeps reminding you to stay at home and—"

"We'll leave my instructions from Dumbledore out of this, if you please!" Sirius snapped.

"Arthur!" Molly shouted at her husband. "Arthur, back me up!"

Molly continued the argument with her husband for a minute before Remus stopped looking at Sirius and stepped in. "Personally, I think it better that Harry gets the facts—not all the facts, Molly, but the general picture—from us, rather than a garbled version from…others."

Molly finally gave in, but not until after another argument with Sirius over, in fewer words, who loved Harry more.

Remus, Sirius, Arthur, and Tonks gave Harry and a few of the others a brief overview of what the Order was doing, leaving out specific jobs of individual members. They also explained the trouble with the Ministry, how they weren't accepting Voldemort's return. Harry asked what Voldemort wanted other than an army.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other quickly. They had landed at the prophecy. They themselves barely knew what it was. They weren't even sure what Voldemort wanted with it, they just knew they had to prevent him from getting it.

"Stuff he can only get by stealth," Sirius said. "Like a weapon. Something he didn't have last time."

Harry started to ask what kind of weapon, but Molly cut him off. Remus agreed, now, that they'd told him all he needed to know. The teenagers and Weasleys went upstairs to bed.

Mundungus and Tonks left. Remus escorted them to the door. Tonks gave Remus her smile and a little wave, changing her hair color, before departing.

He went back inside and met Sirius in the hallway. Sirius beckoned upstairs, and Remus filed up behind him. He thought about what Molly had said earlier, about how he was getting Harry confused with James. Remus had agreed with Molly the moment she'd said it, and this feeling got stronger the more he thought about it. Sirius saw Harry as a young replacement of James.

It was sad, really, and the idea bothered Remus. Whatever he might have said to the contrary, Sirius had been in love with James, and having him out of his life was too much to bear. He wasn't in love with Harry, obviously, but he cared about him deeply…because he saw him as just another James.

"Padfoot?" Remus said, following Sirius into their room. "Can I talk to you?"

Sirius shrugged. "Of course. Why wouldn't you be able to talk to me? What is it?"

"It's just…" Remus wasn't quite meeting Sirius's eyes. "It's what Molly said earlier. About how you get confused whether Harry is Harry or James."

"What about what Molly said?"

"Well, Sir, I think she was a bit right. I think you see Harry as just another James."

"I do not!" Sirius denied, glaring at Remus the same way he'd glared at Molly. "You don't hear me ever calling him 'James' by accident or anything like that! I don't talk to him the way I used to talk to James! What do I do that—"

"Sir, calm down," Remus said, holding his arms. "Relax. It's understandable. I know…more than anyone…how you felt about James, and you've never had any closure on it…it must be very difficult…but then along comes Harry, and he's just like a miniature James…so you just…well…throw yourself at him. You write to him all the time, you talk about him _constantly_…"

"He's my godson," Sirius said coldly. His usually pale face had some color in it. "If I'm not allowed to care about him—"

"I'm not saying that," Remus said hurriedly. "Of course you're allowed to care for him, Sirius, I care for him as well, I just think you should care for him as Harry, not as…your only connection to James."

"I do care for him as Harry!" Sirius started.

"How could you?" Remus's voice was louder than usual as well. "You don't even know him well, Sirius, you don't. You've corresponded with him a few times, but you've only spoken to him face-to-face, what, three times?"

"More than that."

"Whatever. You just love him because you think he's another James!"

Remus had gone too far. Sirius dark face and cold eyes glared at him.

"Sirius…"

"I don't want to hear about it!" Sirius spat. "What are you going to accuse me of now, not loving you again? Well I don't want to hear about it, not from you, Remus. I'm going to bed." He shoved himself into the bathroom, returned a second later in pajamas, and dived beneath the covers. Remus waited until he was asleep before getting in next to him, afraid he might kick him out if he was still awake.

He snuggled close to Sirius's warm, deeply breathing body and buried his head in his chest. He still missed Sirius even when he was with him. They didn't get to be together last time he was back, either, and now he was angry with him…and he was leaving again tomorrow. Remus tried to get closer to Sirius, but he wasn't much of a comfort asleep, and felt miserable. Why couldn't things just be all right between them? Why couldn't _Remus_ be the one Sirius never shut up about? Remus was certainly that way about him. He sighed and pulled Sirius's arm across his chest. At least he was here now, lying with him. At least it wasn't full moon. At least…Remus fell asleep before he could think of anything else to be grateful for.

Sirius was cold when Remus said goodbye to him the next morning, simply allowing Remus to hug and kiss him rather than returning either. When Remus said I love you, he simply nodded, and, all last night's misery returning, Remus departed.

Even with their long absences from one another, it took awhile for Sirius to warm up to Remus again. His attempt at an apology had led to another shouting match, so after that he simply avoided the topic completely. After many nighttime prods and whispers, Sirius finally acknowledged that Remus was his boyfriend again, and though he wasn't quite as warm as before, he still spoke to him and smiled at him occasionally.

As though determined to prove himself to Remus, Sirius spent a lot of time with Harry, as though getting to know him for real. Every once-in-a-while, whenever Remus was in the room, Sirius would glance up from conversation with Harry and look at him as if to say, 'see, I'm being with him for him.'

It completely defeated the purpose, though, if Sirius was trying to do it for Remus's sake. It pleased him a bit, though, because if Sirius got to know Harry well enough, he would realize that there were more differences between Harry and James than their ages and eye color.

Such a realization did not seem to be coming anytime soon, however. So far it seemed like Sirius thought Harry was exactly like his father. Indeed, the only difference between the way he talked about them was the look in his eye.

Though he tried not to show it, Sirius was no less than devastated when Harry left Grimmauld Place to return to school. Remus and Tonks went with the Weasleys to drop him off at the train, and Sirius, as a dog, came as well. Before Harry got on the train, Sirius went up to him and put his paws on his shoulders. Remus recoiled, and Tonks, who was standing next to him, must have noticed.

"You okay, Remus?" She was disguised as an old lady, but the gray eyes beneath her matching hair held concern.

"Fine," Remus said, straightening up. He'd just flashed back…years ago…that exact same vision…but this time Molly pushed Sirius away and made Harry get on the train.

Sirius chased after it as it started to leave, and the rest watched him. Once the train turned a corner, Sirius's ears drooped and he sat down on the ground.

"Well, come on then, let's go back," Molly called to him.

Instead of running, like he had been all morning, Sirius walked slowly back over to the group. Remus petted him as they walked, but Sirius didn't seem to notice.

Everyone except Molly went back to headquarters. Tonks changed back to her usual appearance before scratching Sirius behind the ears, giving Remus her smile, and heading off to work.

Sirius remained a dog almost all day. It wasn't until dinner that he changed back to a human, and even then he didn't speak. He skulked upstairs to his room, and Remus followed him. He looked moody and depressed.

"Padfoot?" Remus asked, coming to sit beside him. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Sirius responded curtly, not looking at Remus.

Remus sighed and put his arms around Sirius from behind him. "It's best for him," he said. "You'll still be able to write, and you might see him for the Christmas holiday."

This did not seem to cheer Sirius up at all. He became stiff beneath Remus's hold.

"I'm sorry," Remus said, letting go. "I'm just trying to help. Silly me. You probably don't want to talk about it. I know from experience, Sir. It's the hardest thing in the world, losing the person you love more than anything and then feeling as though you've got them back and then losing them again. It's terrible. But—"

"Stop accusing me of thinking Harry's James!" Sirius shouted.

"Sir—"

"We've been through this already! I know Harry's a completely different person, I understand that! Don't start reprimanding me about that again!"

"I wasn't—"

"What else do you want me to do, Remus, what more do you want from me? It's not _my_ fault I never get to see him; you think that's what I want?"

"I never—"

"I spent every bloody minute I could with Harry, and it was brilliant while it lasted, but now that's gone, too! Nothing's helped!"

"Sirius, I'm here!"

Sirius did not say anything in return. He merely continued the glaring from when he had been shouting.

Remus sighed and looked at the ground. "But when has that ever been good enough for you? When have _I _ever been good enough for you? Never! You're always all keen to have Harry or James around, but with me, I might as well not even be there! I've always been there, Sirius! I'm always here! I always want to help; I always want to be with you! But as long as you could have James, even though it was just as a friend, you never wanted me! Never!"

"That's not true!"

"And now James is gone," Remus continued, ignoring him. "But you still have your last connection to him, and as long as you have that, you still don't need me. Harry is just a thread to James, Sirius, but you're clinging to him for dear life. And when he goes away from awhile, you look around and all you see is nothing! You don't even notice that I'm here! You'd rather be locked up all alone feeling sorry for yourself than be with me! Well, you've been locked up all alone for twelve years, Sirius, and then free but still _alone_ for two! You'd think that now you've got a chance, you'd use it, notice that there's someone here who loves you!

"But you know what, Sirius, that's never once been enough for you, never! So why should now be any different? I'm never gonna be enough for you, am I, Sirius? Never!"

Sirius was on his feet now, glaring at Remus as though he wanted to hit him. He was breathing loudly, he looked as though he might be attempting to compose himself, but he either failed or simply gave up. "LEAVE THEN!" he shouted.

"Wha—"

"Leave! You're absolutely right! If all I'm gonna get from you is shouting and accusations, then I want to be alone! If this is how it's gonna be, I don't want you here!"

"Sir—"

"All you ever do is accuse me of things! 'You think James and Harry are the same person!' 'I'm not good enough for you!' 'You don't love me!' It's been like that forever, Remus, and you know what, you've got it wrong! It's me who's not enough for you!"

"That's not true!"

"It is bloody well true! How many times have I had to convince you I loved you, Remus? How many times have I had to defend myself against your constant allegations ranging anywhere from A to Z? But no matter what I say, no matter how many times I defend myself, it's never enough for you!

"So I'm done with trying to please you, Remus, I'm finished! I've had enough! Get out of here! Go away and find someone else who can live up to your expectations! I'm finished!"

"I don't want somebody else; I want you!"

"Well I don't want you!" Sirius bellowed.

"Well what else is new!"

"Get out of my house!" Sirius screamed.

"Sirius, please," Remus started apologetically.

"No! I said it and I meant it! All you've been doing is causing me pain! I don't need that from you!"

Sirius waved his wand and one of Remus's suitcases flew out of the closet and into his chest, knocking the wind out of him. He stomped out of the room and up the stairs. A cry from Buckbeak, Sirius's hippogriff, told Remus Sirius had joined him up in the attic.

Remus looked around the room, unsure of what to do. He was upset with Sirius, but he still loved him and the last thing he wanted was to leave. On the other hand, this was Sirius's house, and he had every right to kick him out. The question was whether Sirius would still be this upset after sleeping on the matter. Remus didn't want to anger him further, but if he stayed, he might do just that. Remus sighed, wipes some hot tears out of his eyes, waved his wand so that some clothes flew into his suitcase, and left.

His bed felt so cold, and much too big for him. He wondered if Sirius had gone to bed yet, and whether he felt the same way. _Sirius probably doesn't even notice_, Remus thought, half-bitterly, half-sadly.

**Hate to remind you all that the second genre of this story is drama. So…who's fault do you think it is?**


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

Sirius refused to speak to Remus at all. They saw one another at the Order meetings, but Sirius never acknowledged Remus, no matter what he tried to say to him. He was cold, distant, and moody, and the other aspects of his life were not helping with this.

Sirius still wanted to help do things for the Order, but Dumbledore refused to let him out of Grimmauld Place, and he could do nothing from there. Snape enjoyed pointing this fact out whenever Dumbledore was out of earshot, only he made it seem that Sirius's lack of action was due to his own cowardice rather than Dumbledore's orders. Sirius also, as far as Remus knew, had no contact with Harry as owls could be searched be the Ministry.

All of Remus's attempts to talk to Sirius, all his apologies, were completely ignored. Remus did not want to give up, but he felt defeated. What more could he do? What did Sirius want from him?

It wasn't until just before Christmas that Remus saw Sirius again for longer than the duration of an Order meeting. Arthur Weasley had been attacked while at the Ministry guarding the prophecy. He was all right, but still in the hospital, and as Grimmauld Place was much closer to St. Mungo's than the Weasley home, they all (including Harry) planned to spend the holidays there. This whole concept of company for Christmas cheered Sirius up a great deal. So much, in fact, that he was even friendly to Remus and did not argue or simply did not notice when he moved back in, sleeping on Sirius's couch.

Sirius even approached him a few days before Christmas and offered to split Harry's present so it was from both of them. Remus heartily agreed, and they caught each other's eye and smiled at each other for the first time in months. This realization made the moment awkward, and Sirius dropped his gaze.

"Sir—"

"It's Christmas, Moony," Sirius said without looking at him. "It's Christmas."

"Yes?"

"You spend it with the people you love, even if you're upset with them."

"So after it's over, you're going to be horrible to me again?"

"I don't know," Sirius said. "I don't want to."

"Let's give it another chance, then."

"I feel like we've given it enough chances, Moony, and when has it ever worked out?"

Remus said nothing for a moment. He thought but could honestly not think of a time when he and Sirius had ever been perfect boyfriends. He sighed. "So what's going to happen, then?"

"I don't know," Sirius said, shrugging. "I guess we can…try and be friends."

Remus sighed again. He wanted to be more than friends. That's what he'd always wanted. He wanted to say that, but knew it would sound like arguing. He was sick of arguing. "All right, then," Remus said, looking at the ground. "Something is better than nothing, I suppose."

"I do love you, Remus," Sirius said. "You know that, right?"

"I…do," Remus said slowly. "And I love you in return. I always have and I always will."

Sirius walked up to Remus and put his arms around him. They held each other for a short moment before Sirius went upstairs to feed Buckbeak.

He was quite right, Remus knew, that any attempt to continue their relationship would have been immediately quashed. Sirius's depression returned the instant Christmas was over, even before Harry actually left to go back to school. Remus knew better by now than to comment to Sirius on this observation, though he did try to engage him in kind, gentle conversation. Sirius was polite, which showed Remus he was trying to at least keep their friendship afloat, but he was often withdrawn and Remus felt it wiser to leave him be.

Sirius and Remus spent the next couple of months and polite and friendly but at the same time rocky terms. Their relationship became very forced. Remus didn't want it to be, but he felt that Sirius wasn't letting him in.

They saw enough of each other. Remus still went on his excursions with the other werewolves (who were slowly and cautiously letting him into their circle), but spent all the rest of his time at headquarters.

One day he was sitting at the table writing when Harry's head suddenly appeared in the fire.

"Sirius?"

Remus jumped up and turned to the fireplace. "Harry! What are you—what's happened, is everything all right?"

"Yeah," Harry said quickly. "I just wondered—I mean, I just fancied a—a chat with Sirius."

"I'll call him," Remus said, relieved everything was all right. "He went upstairs to look for Kreacher, he seems to be hiding in the attic again…" He hurried upstairs to bring Sirius down.

Harry had seen a memory of Snape's from almost twenty-one years ago, when he was still in school and taking is O.W.L.s and…James taunted him beneath the beech tree on the Hogwarts grounds.

Though Harry seemed a bit distressed at the situation, Remus and Sirius couldn't help but continue to grin back and forth at each other. Not at the idea of James teasing Snape, but at the memory in general. It had been so long ago…they had been so young…

Harry thought he heard someone coming, and he wasn't exactly allowed to be using the fire, so he had to go.

Sirius looked at Remus and smiled. "It's a good thing Snape took him out when he did."

"He wouldn't have seen anything between you and me anyway," Remus said. "Snape was gone by then, and you were far in the castle before I caught up with you anyway."

"You remember that day?"

"Like it was yesterday, Sirius."

Sirius shook his head. "I haven't thought about it in…forever. When I was Azkaban…the dementors…they made me forget anything even remotely happy. That day…it was an amazing day, wasn't it?"

"The end of exams…"

"So carefree…"

"You and me were just fine…"

"That bedroom we found…"

All the tension of the last few months was forgotten. No sooner had Sirius caught Remus's eye again than he was pressed against him, kissing him so hard Remus thought Sirius would push his lips into his face. He was kissing back with equal force, of course, his mind and body racing as though this was his last day on Earth…or his last day with Sirius, at least.

A flick of Sirius's wand and the table cleared itself of everything on it, a flick of Remus's and the kitchen door locked.

It didn't mean anything. Despite their completely sincere pants of "I love you," afterward, Sirius and Remus did not get back together. Remus slept in the same bed he had been since the end of Christmas. The only difference was that they were slightly friendlier to each other and their smiles, though short, were never forced.

"You know, there's something I've been wondering about," Sirius said to Remus. "About when Harry came to talk to me in the fire."

"What about it?"

"Well, I've been wondering…why did he use to fire to contact me?"

"Well he couldn't write, obviously. How else would he talk to you?"

"Do you remember those mirrors James and I used to use when we were in school?"

Remus nodded. Sirius had always been pulling out his mirror to talk to James during school. It had sometimes annoyed Remus, really, as half the time these mirrored conversations were interruptions of whatever Sirius happened to be doing with Remus at the time. The only time Sirius didn't take his mirror with him was when he and Remus went to the Shrieking Shack. But for virtually everything else, when they were just talking or doing their homework, or sometimes even when they fooled around without doing it, Sirius would routinely pause whatever he was doing, say, "Hold on a sec, Rem, it's James," and launch into a full-on conversation with the mirror, forgetting Remus was even there.

It had always made Remus feel…not jealous, but…disappointed. Disappointed and sad, because this was just a prime, perfect example of how Sirius had always chosen James, always put James first, and it reminded Remus that no matter what Sirius said, he would never be his number one.

These gloomy thoughts took over Remus, and he dropped Sirius's gaze to look down at the ground. "The mirror," he said, his voice a bit sharper and colder than it had been a minute ago. "What about it?"

"Well, I gave it to Harry right before he left for school again. There wasn't time to explain what it was, but I wrote a note on the back. Before he left, though, I told him to use it whenever he needed me."

_A better use for it than discussing whether __Hufflepuff__ or Slytherin has a worse chance at __Quidditch_ Remus thought. _But still…_And then he wondered, the thought slipped out before he could stop it. _How come he never gave it to me when he was in hiding? All those times when I longed to see him, to talk to him, and he claimed the same of me…but no. He didn't want me to have the mirror, to have exclusive contact with him. He had always reserved that. __First for James, and now for Harry_.

Then a violent argument ensued in Remus's brain. Sirius was Harry's godfather, was all Harry had. It was right for Harry to have the mirror; Remus didn't want it or need it now; he saw Sirius all the time.

But this wasn't about the mirror.

What was it about?

Sirius. No matter what Remus did, he never…

That's why they weren't together anymore.

But Remus wanted to be with him…

"Rem?" Sirius asked, his voice sounding concerned. "Remus, are you all right? The look on your face…"

Remus shook his head. He didn't even want to imagine the argument that would take place if he told Sirius he was upset over a combination of something he ought to have gotten over years ago and something he had no right to be upset about in the first place. "I'm fine," Remus said, forcing a smile.

Sirius seemed to accept that. He smiled back, though hesitantly, and did not push the subject. He did, apparently, notice a change in Remus, though. Remus even noticed it in himself. He was quieter, much quieter. He only spoke when necessary, and then usually in a monotone.

This even happened during Order meetings, and Tonks noticed it, too. She cornered him after a meeting one time to ask if everything was all right. He said he was fine without looking at her. She put her fist under his chin and brought it up so he met her eyes. They were a sparkling blue today, and went well with her shoulder length wavy blonde hair. "Let's see a smile," Tonks said softly, and Remus obeyed. He couldn't help it. Her smile made him smile, if only for a moment.

Other than that time, Remus rarely smiled, simply unable to think of anything to be cheerful about. He spent a lot of time by himself, just thinking. He thought about the Order, about werewolves and Voldemort and Harry. He thought a lot about Sirius. It brought him pain and sadness, thinking about Sirius, because it had never worked out between them, and deep inside, Remus knew it never would. They weren't meant to be.

This undeniable truth took Remus over and tormented him. He tried not to let it, but couldn't help it. Whenever he thought of Sirius (and he couldn't stop thinking of Sirius) it took over him. He threw himself into his Order work, and it distracted him, kept him busy for awhile. But whenever he returned to the headquarters, to Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, he saw Sirius.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty-Two

They weren't going too well. Dumbledore had disappeared. The foul new Ministry Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher replaced him. Dumbledore couldn't find anyone at the beginning of the year, so the Ministry gave him someone. Her name was Dolores Umbrige. Remus had never met her, but he knew her name. She was the one who'd passed the laws against werewolves years ago.

These were some of the things Remus pretended were bothering him when Sirius asked what was wrong. He avoided telling him the truth, knowing Sirius would just get mad if he knew. He avoided telling Tonks as well, though she gave him sympathetic looks even though she didn't ask again. She made him smile, though, and got him to talk a little bit before and after the meetings. Tonks managed to keep cheerful despite the bad things.

Remus liked Tonks. She made him laugh. One time after a meeting, she made her nose longer, almost snout-like, her ears pointy, and her hair short and matted, almost like fur. It was the same color as Sirius's, and so were her eyes. She vaguely looked the way he did as a dog. Then she looked at Remus, growled, and barked. Remus laughed.

"Something funny?" Sirius's voice came from behind.

Tonks changed back quickly, and Remus stopped laughing. "No," he said, still grinning a bit. "I was just saying bye to Tonks. Er, bye, Tonks. Good to see you."

"You too," she said, smiling. She put her hand on Remus's arm for a minute before she left, and turned back to smile at him again when she was ten feet away.

"_She_ can cheer you up," Sirius said, looking after her.

"Do I detect a note of jealousy?" Remus said incredulously.

"Did you see the way she was looking at you?" Sirius said, glancing at the spot outside where she had Disapparated and back at Remus again.

"What? You think—no!"

"I don't know," Sirius said, looking Remus up and down. "You're always smiling when you're with her."

"Because she's funny and friendly."

"You really like her, don't you?"

"Not in that way. You're the one I'm crazy about, remember? But I can't have you." He glared at Sirius. "Anyway, you're such a hypocrite! You spend our entire relationship staring at James, and now, even when we're broken up, you get jealous because a girl looks at me! _She _looked at _me_, Sirius, I didn't look back at her."

"Don't start the James thing again," Sirius said.

"Yes, the James thing again! You wanna know what I've been depressed about, well that's it."

"Still?"

"Yes, still! It bothers me."

"It shouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because I couldn't help it!"

"I can't help it!"

"You can help talking about it!"

"You can help bringing it up!"

"Oh, so it's my fault again! Just like everything else!"

"When did I—"

"Every time, Remus! Every time! All you do every time we fight it starts with you accusing me of something I didn't do on purpose or couldn't help doing! And I'm sick of it!"

"I'm sick of you doing all these things I accuse you of!"

"I'm sick of it!"

"I'm sick of it!"

"I've always been sick of it!"

"I've always been sick of the way you looked at James!"

"I've always been sick of you!"

"Fine! Just forget I ever existed then!"

"Fine! I will!"

It took Remus a minute before he realized why he was on Sirius's lawn. That had happened so fast. He hadn't wanted it to. Why did Sirius—? Remus sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He'd talk to Sirius at the next Order meeting.

Part of Sirius knew Remus hadn't really meant it when he'd said, 'just forget I ever existed then.' But he was still seething from the argument, so he went upstairs. "He wishes we'd never met?" Sirius muttered to himself. "Fine. I never knew him." Sirius found his will and changed it. He'd left most of this things to Harry and some to Remus, but now he took Remus out completely, leaving everything to his godson.

He didn't know what to think. Part of him knew Remus had been right about some things, but Sirius was angry. Being angry made it easier to do things.

Remus felt a combination of dejected and fed-up. It never seemed to stop, no matter what he did or tired to do. He went back home to his cold, dusty parents' house and waited, trying to get some sleep. There was another Order meeting in two days. He sat home and wrote reports, trying his hardest not to think about Sirius.

The next Order meeting brought bad news. There had been an attack at Hogwarts, just the day before. The attack was by the Ministry, nonetheless. They were trying to sneak up on Hagrid in the middle of the night, probably to take him to Azkaban unless he helped them find Dumbledore. Hagrid managed to escape, but Minerva McGonagall went out to defend him, and she got Stunned by four people at once. She was alive, but barely, and had to be taken to St. Mungo's.

With that, and the disappearances of Dumbledore and now Hagrid, things were not looking good for the Order. One evening Remus received a message from a Patronus.

"Emergency at the Department of Mysteries," it said. "Harry Potter and other students are there. They have the prophecy. Death Eaters trying to steal it. Come to headquarters immediately."

Remus's head spun as he Disapparated at once. Death Eaters and students in the Department of Mysteries? How in the name of Merlin?

Tonks and a few others were already there. They all set off for the Ministry as soon as Remus arrived, even Sirius. Remus exchanged a significant look with him as they left.

With all that was going on, petty things didn't matter anymore. Who cared if Sirius loved James and Harry better than Remus, anyway? What did it matter? It didn't Remus came to realize. What mattered was that they were here, they could be together. They just needed to get over their little problems with one another and realize that they loved each other and that was all that mattered, especially now, in these times of war. Remus was ready to get over it, to be with Sirius anyway.

He looked Sirius in the eye, put a loving look on his face, and tried to communicate this to him. Sirius seemed to understand, at least a little bit. The look he gave Remus in return showed that he was ready to apologize, too, had something to say.

They arrived at the Ministry, and Remus approached Sirius as they all ran down to the Department of Mysteries.

"I need—"

"—To talk," Sirius finished. "I know. Me too."

"Right," Remus said, panting as they flew through a door, relieved he understood. "As soon—as this—is over," he gasped.

"As soon as this is over—"

"—we'll talk," Remus said, nodding at Sirius.

Sirius nodded back as they flew into the Department of Mysteries. He did something he'd never done before. He reached for Remus's hand and brushed it against his lips. They finally found the room with the battling students and Death Eaters and he let go.

They each ran at a different Death Eater, trying to distract them at get the students safe and duel at the same time. It wasn't the easiest room to do that in. It was like a coliseum. There were benches all around, and a raised stone dais in the middle. There was an arch on the dais, covered by a black veil.

Tonks was dueling with Bellatrix, Sirius's cousin. Remus didn't see exactly what she did, but at the next moment Bellatrix was running toward the center of the room. Remus turned in time to see Tonks unconscious at the bottom of the stairs. He heard Sirius shout something at Harry before meeting Bellatrix in the middle of the room to finish the duel for Tonks.

Harry and Neville were still in the room being threatened by someone, so Remus ran up, stepped between them, and told Harry to get the others and go. He prayed Harry would listen and turned around to face another Death Eater.

A minute later, Remus heard a muffled shout from somewhere: "DUBBLEDORE! DUBBLEDORE!"

Remus looked up from his duel. So did almost everyone else in the room. Dumbledore had just entered it. He cursed the Death Eater Remus had just been dueling; he'd tried to escape but Dumbledore pulled him back. Remus looked around. All the Death Eaters looked suddenly scared, the Order members relieved. Except for one of each.

Sirius and his cousin were still dueling. She tried to Stun him but missed; he laughed at her and told her she could to better than that. She did. She hit him right in the chest.

He was falling, Remus was racing down toward him, not the only one that did so. Sirius fell through the arch, behind the black veil. Bellatirx had given a jubilant scream of laughter. Sirius did not reappear on the other side of the arch.

Remus did not want to believe but he knew…he knew…

"SIRIUS!" Harry was screaming. "SIRIUS!"

He was running toward the arch. He would run through it too, Remus knew, and he couldn't. He grabbed Harry around the chest as he ran, holding him back.

"There's nothing you can do, Harry—"

"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"

"It's too late, Harry—"

"We can still reach him—"

"There's nothing you can do, Harry…nothing…He's gone."

"He hasn't gone!" Harry screamed. He was fighting and fighting against Remus's grip, but he couldn't let go or he might fall through the arch too… "SIRIUS!" Harry continued to yell. "SIRIUS!"

"He can't come back, Harry," Remus said. He heard his voice break as he struggled to say the words he wanted to deny himself. "He can't come back, because he's d—"

"HE—IS—NOT—DEAD!" Harry screamed. "SIRIUS!"

Harry still fought Sirius as Remus dragged him away from the dais. Neville joined them. He had been cursed by one of the Death Eaters so his legs were flying all over the place. Harry stopped fighting now. He was staring at the ground. Neville was apologizing to Harry for his loss.

Remus lifted the spell on his legs. He needed to think. He needed to concentrate. It was a bit hard to do when his head was spinning. Sirius was gone…Sirius was gone…Sirius couldn't be gone…Remus had just been ready to apologize to him…Sirius was gone…but Remus was here…at the Ministry…with Death Eaters…and so were the students…students.

"Let's," Remus said very slowly, struggling. "Let's find the others. Where are they all, Neville?" He and Harry were about to follow him to where they were, but Bellatrix was running away on the other side of the room, and before Remus could do anything, Harry tore himself away from Remus and took after her. "Harry—no!" Remus shouted.

"SHE KILLED SIRIUS!" Harry screamed at the top of his lungs. "SHE KILLED HIM—I'LL KILL HER!"

And before Remus could do anything to stop him, Harry had chased Bellatrix out of the room.

"Professor?"

It took a moment before Remus realized Neville was addressing him. "Right," Remus said. "We were going—the other students…you just…lead the way, Neville."

The rest of the night was a blur. He could see concern on Neville's face when he looked at him, and he probably asked if he was all right, but Remus didn't hear him. He was aware of reaching the other students, making sure they were all right and somehow joining up with Moody and Kingsley and taking the students back to Hogwarts…to the hospital wing…but it was all a blur.

There was only one thing he could see clearly in his mind, the flash of light hitting Sirius's chest as he fell through the arch. The look of shock on his face that had once been so handsome…

As much as he tried to block it out, Remus kept seeing it clearly in his mind. It meant that he would never, as long as he lived, look upon that face again.

**I'm sorry. You all knew it was coming. Let's…take a moment of silence for Sirius Black.**

**The story's not over. I know in the beginning I said 22 chapters but some of them were so long I had to divide them, so there's actually gonna be two more chapters. Even if you're not crazy ****about remusXtonks, see me through to the end anyway. You won't regret it.**

**Again, I'm sorry. I had to do it.**


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Remus downed some more firewhiskey. It did nothing.

"Another?" Tonks said, peeking into the room. She brought in another bottle, and a glass for herself, and sat down beside Remus. He watched her pour, giving herself a generous helping, and downed it faster than he did.

"You shouldn't have so much," Remus said, watching her.

"I can have as much as I want," she snapped. "It's my firewhiskey, it's my house, and it's my…it's my fault!" She hiccupped and buried her face in her hands.

"Tonks," Remus said gently. He placed his hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry!" Tonks sobbed. "I'm sorry I shouted at you. And I'm sorry about…what happened. I knew you were close to him and I just…Remus, I'm so sorry!"

"Listen to me," Remus said firmly, putting his other hand on her other shoulder and turning her to face him. "_It's not your fault_. It's not your fault. There was nothing you could have done. You did everything you could. You were very brave in there. Everyone is proud of you. You did nothing wrong. No one blames you. It's not your fault."

Tonks sniffed and wiped her nose. "Okay," she whispered. "Thank you, Remus." She poured more whiskey for each of them. Her hand shook as she brought her glass to her mouth. Remus could still see silent tears running down her cheek, and he put his arm around her shoulders. "Thank you, Remus," she whispered again.

He drank more firewhiskey, and when he woke up the next morning he thought at first last night had been the full moon. He felt the same way he felt after a full moon.

_Wait, that can't be right_, he thought. _Last night wasn't full moon; tonight is new moon. I know it wasn't full moon last night because there was an Order meeting at Tonks's place and then she invited me for dinner after and then we started drinking and then…_

Remus sat up in bed and looked around. The room was unfamiliar. He looked down on the bed beside him. Tonks's face was buried in her pillow.

Just like mornings after he transformed, vivid images appeared suddenly in his head. He was kissing her, pressing her against the wall of her kitchen. He was walking and he tripped, but she pulled on his hand and they went into her bedroom. She was beneath him…

Remus's eyes snapped open. He looked again at the young woman beside him. She was still sleeping, her pink hair all over her pillow. She was so young…but so pretty…no! He was a werewolf, he was twelve or thirteen years older than her, she was Sirius's cousin…Remus smacked himself in the forehead. How could he have done that?

Tonks yawned and stirred, and her eyes peeked open. "Oh," she said, as though surprised. Her cheeks turned pink and she sat up, pulling the blanket with her. "Um, good morning, Remus."

"Morning, Tonks," he said, trying to keep his voice sounding light.

Tonks glanced at the clock, said, "Oh," again, and got out of bed, pulling the blanket with her again, keeping herself covered. Remus hastily reached on the ground for pants. "Um, I'd better get ready for work," Tonks said. "I've got to be at the Ministry in an hour. I'll…I'll see you this afternoon with Mad-Eye and the Weasleys at King's Cross then, right?"

Remus nodded, unable to think of any other answer, and Tonks smiled at him, blushing, and disappeared into her bathroom.

He did meet her at King's Cross. Mad-Eye Moody was there, too, but she didn't really seem to notice him or the Weasleys. She kept smiling at Remus: her shy but cheerful smile. They met Harry as he came off the train and had a word with his aunt and uncle.

Remus tried to appear cheerful, tried to think about happy things (_I did get laid last night, first time in weeks_), but then wanted to beat himself over the head. He couldn't help smiling, though, and that made everything better.

Harry left with his aunt and uncle, waving, and Moody Disapparated. Remus turned to Tonks. He wasn't quite sure what to say.

"Do you…" he started, and then sighed. She looked so young—almost like a teenager—with her pink hair and jeans. "Do you think we could talk, maybe? You know, sit down and talk…about what happened last night?"

Tonks's eyes were wide. She was no longer smiling, but she didn't look upset or anything, simply curious. She nodded slowly. "Do you want to have dinner at my place?" she sounded a bit nervous.

"Dinner? All right, but…I'd like to talk with you. Talk. Not…necessarily…"

"Okay," she squeaked. "I…we'll talk. You can say what you need to say. I…we'll talk. Over dinner."

Remus nodded, and Tonks nodded, and they went back to her house. Remus helped her with dinner, but it was a bit awkward and they didn't talk much.

Once they sat down to eat, however, he faced her, sighed, and prepared what he needed to say. "About last night—"

"—It only happened because you were drunk and now you feel terribly awkward and don't know how to let me down gently?"

Remus was taken aback. "It's not like that," he said. "I like you. I like you more each time I see you. You remind me of Siri—" Remus froze. He hadn't meant to let that slip out, despite the fact, or especially because, it was true.

Tonks blushed and looked down at the table for a second before catching Remus's eye again. Her eyes were a dark aqua color and very pretty. "I…" she said. "I think I should tell you…I've liked you for a long time, Remus." She blushed deeply. "If you don't like me, I'll understand."

"Tonks, calm down," Remus said. "I like you quite a bit, it's the truth." It was the truth. "But before you make up your mind about me, there are two things I need to remind you of and one thing I need to tell you."

"I know you're a bit older than I am and I know you're a werewolf. Neither bother me."

"Maybe this will." Remus took a deep breath. He didn't want to meet Tonks's eyes, was too nervous to do so. "It's Sirius," he said. "Sirius and I were…involved. For a very long time. We loved each other."

"Oh…" Tonks said slowly. She looked up at Remus. "But you said you liked me, though. Were you telling the truth? If not, just tell me."

"I do like you," Remus said.

"Then it doesn't matter," said Tonks. "It doesn't bother me who you were with. Remus, I…I really like you. I know you're upset about Sirius, but I am, too. It would make us both feel better if we had someone…if we could comfort each other…"

She was leaning into him, much too close. Her breath felt warm on his face, and she smelled like flowers. Her skin was warm and soft, softer than Sirius's had been.

_Sirius_, his brain whined. He wanted to give in but he didn't want to at the same time. He knew she wanted him to but it couldn't last, it wouldn't last. He cared for her. He didn't want to hurt her…

He did give in.

For two weeks Remus saw Tonks. By day, his feelings of guilt and confusion haunted him. By night, Tonks's sweet smile and gentle touch and warm body drove all life problems from his mind.

But then he would wake up beside her again the next morning and wonder if what he was doing was wrong.

He liked her, he definitely liked her. He liked her jokes and her personality and her cleverness, and he admired her bravery at her profession and Order work. He liked her a lot. But he didn't love her. And he was afraid that if he grew to love her, which he was on his way to doing, it would only be because she reminded him of Sirius.

This was only in personality, of course, because her body was fully a woman's (and it was a very refreshing change, because Remus had always been attracted to both woman and men but had never been with a woman before). However, Remus thought it was much more important that he like her for her, for the person she was, not just because he was attracted to her.

The full moon came again. On the morning of, he bade her good day and reminded her not to come to his house that night, as he would be dangerous. Tonks nodded, promised she wouldn't forget, and kissed him before heading out his front door and off to work at the Ministry.

Remus worked on more Order information, and when night fell, he transformed. He woke up on the floor the next morning, rubbing his head and reliving flashes of the night before. He was running around, he was hungry, but no one was there. And then the front door opened, and a girl walked in. She was young, pretty, delicious. And he was so hungry. He ran to her, came close, about to pounce. She screamed and ran out the door again, closing it behind her. He scratched and scratched at the door, throwing all his weight against it, but it wouldn't budge. He howled his frustration. He had come so close, _so close!_ And she had just slipped away from him. She would have been so delicious, and he was so hungry!

Remus stood up fast, his breathing heavy. _No,_ he thought. _She didn't!_ He Apparated straight to Tonks's house and paced back and forth, waiting impatiently and nervously for her to get home from work.

He rounded on her the instant she walked in the door. "Nymphadora Tonks!"

She gasped. "Remus!"

"Do you have any idea what you put me through? Do you have any idea how worried I was?"

"Remus, I—"

"Do you have any idea what could have happened? What I could have done to you?"

"Remus, I'm sorry!"

"Sorry! Tonks, d'you…sorry won't…"

"Remus, I know," Tonks said, seizing her chance. "I'm sorry, I forgot. It was stupid. It was late, I was tired, I wasn't thinking. I forgot…"

"Tonks, you can't forget," Remus said, exasperated. "Do you know how close I was to biting you? I could have mauled you. I could have _killed_ you, Tonks."

"I know," Tonks said. Tears filled her brown eyes. She sounded terrified. "It won't happen again."

Remus sighed. "This was a mistake," he said. "I should have known better. I can't…we can't. It's much too dangerous."

"Remus, no!" Tonks said, taking his hand. "Please. I won't…I'll…"

"Tonks, no," Remus said, removing his hand from her grip. "I didn't want to in the first place. I shouldn't have let myself. I'm sorry. We can't keep this up. We never should have started. We've got to stop."

"Remus, no, please," Tonks begged, her eyes glistening. "I love you."

Remus's heart broke. He looked at the frightened young woman before him. He cared for her, but he didn't love her back. His heart belonged to Sirius, and it always would. Just like Sirius's heart had always belonged to James, even though he didn't want it…

Remus couldn't do to Tonks what Sirius had done to him. She could never have all of him, and to give her half would be worse than to give her none at all. He couldn't do that to her; he cared about her too much. And here was the perfect excuse.

"I don't want to hurt you," Remus said. "But it's too dangerous. We can't be together, we just can't."

Tonks burst into tears and ran off into her room. Remus saw her hair change color as she closed the door, from pink to brown.

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered to the empty kitchen. "It's for the best." And he Disapparated.

Tonks was clearly depressed, and it showed no sign of lifting anytime soon. He only saw her at Order meetings, but she was always looking down, both literally and figuratively, and her hair stayed brown even though Remus knew she preferred it pink.

Remus felt guilty, but there was nothing he could do. He just did his Order work and tried not to think of Tonks any more than he thought of Sirius.

He did think of Sirius, though. Without Tonks to distract him, he had to face Sirius's death, the fact that he would never, ever, see him, hear from him, or speak to him again.

He'd already gotten over Sirius (well, almost) once, when he went to Azkaban, but it was different because he didn't think Sirius was treacherous Death Eater scum this time. Remus didn't know which was more painful: the memories of their arguments and fights or the memories when they were locked in each other's arms, whispering "I love you."

There was one bit of relief, though. At least the fighting would cease. At last he would be able to get over Sirius fully, and completely, without getting his hopes up that they would get back together, without trying to convince himself of Sirius's feelings for him.

Remus always felt guilty when these ideas crossed his head because they made it seem like he was glad Sirius was gone, but obviously nothing could be further from the truth. He just _wished_, he just wished, that they had left on better terms. They never got to have their talk, to apologize to each other or anything. They'd arranged to talk, but simply assumed they'd have that day rather than say something sooner. It haunted him. Remus wished they could have a funeral, just to say goodbye, but there was no body.

So Remus distracted himself by throwing himself into his work, almost literally. He began living with the other werewolves rather than just spending days with them. Months passed, and Remus went to very few Order meetings. He did manage to make it to one shortly before Christmas, and Molly Weasley invited him to spend the holidays with them.

Christmas Eve night was rather depressing, however, as they were all listening to the radio and a witch was singing love songs that made Remus think of Sirius, and then of Tonks a little bit, and Sirius again. He managed to distract himself by listening in to Harry's conversation with Arthur and then joining it. he had to mention Sirius's name a couple times, and struggled with it, but got over it. Harry made a comment that reminded Remus of James, and it made him laugh.

They went to bed when Bill Weasley's fiancé Fleur imitated the radio witch singing. It brought Remus's thoughts back to Sirius, but he realized something. Sirius knew Remus loved him. He knew, because Remus constantly reminded him, how strongly he felt. He knew all Remus ever wanted was to be with him, despite all their fights. He knew that Remus had always loved him and always would, no matter what. Sirius knew that.

It made Remus feel better.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

Tonks seemed to be trying to get to know Remus again after months of avoiding him. She'd sent him a Christmas present (a beautiful new set of robes, which no one could deny he needed) and was trying to talk to him at Order meetings. He was perfectly friendly to her, and he wore the robes she got him and smiled at her, but he didn't want to lead her on. He let her touch him on the arm and noted that his heart sped up when she did, but he didn't touch her back.

Soon she got her confidence back and started attempting to corner him after meetings. "I can't," he'd say. "We can't. I'm a werewolf. You don't want me."

"But I do."

"I'm a werewolf, Tonks."

More months went by, and Tonks's position did not change, though Remus sometimes wondered whether his was beginning to. He was starting to get over Sirius and part of him wanted to open his heart again, open to the possibility of love. Because Tonks loved him. He could see it in her eyes, whichever color they were, and the way she looked at him. He knew that look all too well. It was the look Sirius used to have on his face every time he looked at James.

Remus would have given anything, anything, for Sirius to look at him the way he used to look at James. And now Tonks was, for nothing. He didn't know what to do. He ignored it and threw himself into work for the Order.

Shorty after the anniversary of Sirius's death, there was a disturbance at Hogwarts terribly similar to the disturbance at the Ministry last year. Death Eaters were causing trouble and had somehow managed to sneak into the school.

Remus went there immediately, met some other Order members, and started dueling with Death Eaters. There were students here, kids! Why did this keep happening?

A Death Eater died, others were injured, and at one point they all left. Some of the Order were injured as well, particularly Bill Weasley…they all went up to the hospital wing, but Bill had been bitten by a werewolf. An untransformed werewolf. Remus had never heard of that before.

Harry brought dreadful news. Dumbledore had been murdered…by Snape. Remus couldn't believe it. Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of all time, who had done so much for him, so much more than anyone else would do…

And Snape…Remus was angry. Snape. His contributions had helped lead to Sirius's death as well…and Sirius and James had both always hated him, always thought he was on Voldemort's side no matter what Dumbledore said. Dumbledore…

Harry told them how Snape had killed Dumbledore, and they told him how the Death Eaters had snuck in and everything, and then Arthur and Molly Weasley and Fleur entered the room, running over to Bill's bed.

Molly started crying over him, about how he used to be so handsome and how he had been planning to get married. At this, Fleur got all upset and claimed that it didn't matter that he was bitten and that he would still love her and she would still love him and how it didn't matter and they would still get married. Molly, who'd been resisting the engagement since it began, finally gave in, hugging Fleur and crying.

"You see!" Tonks said, glaring at Remus. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"

"It's different," Remus said, refusing to meet Tonks's eye. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely—"

"But I don't care either, I don't care!" Tonks actually ran forward, grabbed Remus's robes, and shook them. "I've told you a million times—"

"And I've told _you_ a million times." Remus still wouldn't look at her. He felt so guilty. "I'm too old for you, too poor, too dangerous—" _too in love with someone else, someone dead_.

"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," Molly said.

"I am not being ridiculous." _I know how hard it is to be in love with someone who's not completely in love with you_. "Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."

"But she wants you," Arthur pointed out. "And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so." Everyone looked at Bill.

_She wants me but I don't want her,_ Remus thought. _I mean…I…I'm like Sirius. I sometimes want her but I don't _want_ her, not like…_ "This is not the moment to discuss it," Remus said. "Dumbledore is dead."

"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world," Minerva McGonagall said.

Hagrid created a distraction by walking in at that point. Remus thought it might be safe to finally look up but was mistaken; Tonks succeeded in catching his eye.

"I…" Remus said, looking at her. "We'll talk."

Tonks nodded and turned away, tugging at her brown hair.

Minerva McGonagall called an Order meeting the next day, discussing the events and Dumbledore's death and his funeral.

As always, Tonks cornered Remus after the meeting. "Okay," she said. "You said you wanted to talk. I'm here. Did you think about what you wanted to say to me?"

"I did," Remus said. He'd thought of nothing else all day, except maybe Dumbledore. "I thought about your cousin a lot, about Sirius."

"What about him?"

Remus sighed. "Our relationship was always doomed to fail because he was always in love with James Potter and he could never see past that no matter how hard he tried. And _I _never saw past the fact that he loved James more than me. We both wanted a perfect relationship but didn't know how to obtain it, and we would yell and shout at each other and blame each other for it not working out.

"What I'm saying, Tonks, is that we're going to have to work at it. I'm going to have to accept the fact that Sirius and I were never meant to be, and he's gone now, but I have a clever, funny, beautiful woman by my side. And you're going to have to accept the fact that I'm not perfect, and getting over Sirius may be difficult for me. I'll try not to do what Sirius did if you try not to do what I did. Know that I'm here, even if I seem far away. What I want you to understand that is if you're willing to, I'm willing to commit despite Sirius, because I care for you."

"I will," Tonks said, tears sparkling in her soft green eyes. "I'll do whatever it takes if I can be with you, Remus. All I want is to be with you. It's enough for me."

_I thought it was enough for me, too, but it wasn't,_ Remus thought. _But she's not me and I'm not Sirius. I will always love him as long as I live, but I will never forget that I have this woman by my side._

Remus thought about last year, just before Sirius died. They had understood that time and love were precious, and they had been ready to apologize and accept each other despite their differences. Remus hadn't had time to do that then, but he could now. This woman loved him, and he could love her. They could have each other now, they had time. How much, Remus did not know. But he was wiser now. He would take advantage of the time and love that he could have.

With that thought, Remus took Tonks's hand, and she threw her arms around him, her hair turning pink. Remus held her in his arms. _I will love this woman_, he thought. _And when I do, I will marry her. Time and love _are_ precious. __This is our time, now, before we lose it. __And this is my new love._

Remus held Tonks in his arms and kissed her full on the lips. She tasted like a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean.

* * *

Remus waved his wand at the sink, muttered "_Scourgify_," and the dishes cleaned themselves. He looked out the window above the sink and smiled. Past the reflection of a young man with dark hair, the night was cloudy but probably warm. "Looks like a nice night," Remus called into the next room.

Sirius, who had been reading the _Evening Prophet_, put the paper down on the table next to him, got up and grinned. He walked over to Remus, who was smiling at him from the sink. "Is someone hinting they want to go for a ride on my bike?" He asked, continuing to walk up to Remus until he was just inches from him. He put his hands on the counter behind Remus on either side of him and grinned down at him.

Remus grinned back. "Maybe," he said. They were so close, almost touching. Remus kissed him and laughed. They were young, just twenty, and carefree.

"All right, then," Sirius grinned, putting his arms around Remus's waist and pulling him gently away from the counter. "Let's go, then."

They held each other's waists and tried to muffle laughing as they went downstairs and outside, where Sirius's flying motorcycle was parked next to the apartment building.

Remus had been right. The night was warm.

Sirius tapped the bike with his wand and it started vibrating slowly. He climbed on, grinned at Remus, and Remus climbed slowly on behind him, fastening his arms around his waist.

"Ready?"

"Of course."

"Hold on tight."

Remus obeyed, and they sped off down the street. Once safely out of the view of any Muggles, Sirius reared the bike. Remus squeezed Sirius's waist as the bike left the ground, Sirius whooped, and a minute later they were zooming through the air.

The cool wind felt refreshing on Remus's face.

"Moony, you're about to cut off my circulation," Sirius joked.

Remus smiled. "What, don't you like it when I hold you that tight?"

"Never said that," Sirius said, speeding up and gaining altitude. He turned over his shoulder to grin at Remus.

"Padfoot, look out!" Remus said.

"Where? What?" Sirius said, turning back quickly.

Remus laughed.

"You—" Sirius said, but he laughed too. "You'll pay for that," he said.

"How?"

Sirius sped the bike up and then did a loop in midair, so for a fraction of a second they were upside-down. Remus screamed and clutched at Sirius while Sirius shouted his excitement and laughed.

"You—!" Remus said, giving in to a smile. "Do you have any idea how fast my heart's going? That—"

"Oh, that was nothing," Sirius said. "Are you sure that's even the reason why your hearts beating fast? I thought it was because I was here."

Remus laughed. "Maybe a little."

Sirius laughed back, and flew smoothly through the air for awhile. "Hey, Moony, let go a second," he said suddenly.

"Why…?"

"I'm gonna do something," Sirius said excitedly.

Remus cautiously let go of Sirius's waist and held on to the bike on his sides. He let go cautiously because he wasn't sure what Sirius was going to do, not because he was afraid of flying without holding on to him.

Sirius scooted forward a little bit. Remus noticed his hands were clenching the handlebars even tighter than usual. The Sirius picked his right foot up from the foot rest on the side of the bike and placed it on the seat.

"Sirius!" Remus said. "You're not—"

"Shh, Moony, you'll break my concentration," Sirius said in the same excited voice. He lifted his other foot from the other footrest and brought it beneath him so he was crouching on the seat, still holding the handlebars. Then he slowly straightened his legs so he was bending over, and then he let go of the handlebars and slowly stood up.

"Sirius," Remus moaned, but Sirius was laughing.

"Rem, you've got to get up here! It's brilliant!"

"You're standing on a bike going eighty miles per hour two miles up off the ground," Remus said, looking up on him. He himself was sitting, and was clenching the sides of the bike for dear life.

"Oh, relax, Moony, I put a Balancing Charm on."

"Balancing Charms can be broken by a strong enough force."

"What, you're going to push me off?" Sirius laughed again. "Seriously, Rem, get up here. It's brilliant! You'll love it. Here—_Pondera!_"

It was a curious sensation, and it felt a bit safer, but still.

"Remus, come on!" Sirius shouted over the wind. "Trust me!"

Remus grinned. "All right," he shouted back. "I'm coming."

Still holding the sides of the seat, Remus imitated Sirius, moving one foot after the other. It was perfectly terrifying, but thrilling at the same time. Soon he was crouched the way Sirius had been, only holding the sides of the bike instead of the handlebars.

"Okay!" Sirius said. "Now take my hand!" He held out a hand to Remus, and Remus quickly grabbed it. He thought this time he actually might be cutting off circulation, he was squeezing so tight. "Good!" Sirius said. "Now the other one!" Sirius held out his other hand, and Remus grabbed and was instantly pulled to a standing position by Sirius.

Remus screamed and clutched him, letting go of his hands and reaching for his waist, which was more steady, but Sirius laughed. "It's amazing, isn't it?" he shouted in Remus's ear.

Remus managed to grin. He could see what Sirius meant. He even felt better, safer, now that he was standing up rather than when he was crouched. They were moving very fast, and the wind chilled him, but it felt good. And once he got used to the sensation of flying standing up so fast and so high with no support except Sirius (who he was clinging to for dear life but it was all right), he could see much better this way. Millions of lights dotted the world below him. The wind was deafening up here, but down there looked so peaceful and pleasant.

"Wasn't I right?" Sirius bellowed. "Isn't it brilliant?

Remus nodded. He was scared out of his wits despite the Balancing Charm, but that was what made it exciting. And he was freezing cold but didn't care…this was fun. This was excellent. They soared through the air standing up and holding each other for about ten minutes. Remus went back down first, and Sirius followed.

"Whew!" Sirius said once he was seated. "That was bloody brilliant, eh?"

"My heart's still…" Remus said, shaking his head. "That was so scary but so cool…"

"I told you to trust me," Sirius said, sounding satisfied.

"You were right," Remus said, smiling. He'd slipped his arms around Sirius's waist again and rested his head on his shoulder.

"You tired? Cold?"

"A little cold," Remus said. "I just wanted to lean against you."

"Well, that's okay then."

Remus opened his eyes and could see Sirius smiling. He pressed his head against Sirius's shoulder again. He was wearing his leather jacket this time, the Muggle one. Sometimes he wore his dragon-skin jacket when they went out flying, but Remus personally liked this one better. Sirius's body heat got through the leather the way it couldn't through dragon skin.

"I love you," Remus said, squeezing him.

"I love you," Sirius said, turning around to grin at him again.

Remus kissed him a minute, not caring that he wasn't paying attention to what was in front of him. The bike was enchanted. It wouldn't run them into a building or anything.

They slowed down a bit more and descended, touching the ground very lightly. They slipped through the quiet dark streets back to their apartment, parked the bike and headed upstairs, hand-in-hand. They were silent but smiled at each other.

Sirius closed and locked the door behind him, and Remus's smile became a grin. He came very close to Sirius, the way Sirius had to him at the counter earlier. His face was beside Sirius's, he could hear him breathing.

"I love you," Remus whispered.

"I love you," Sirius whispered back.

Remus kissed him, wrapping his arms around him. He was so handsome, so warm, so perfect. Sirius pulled back to grin at Remus. His shiny hair fell into his eyes the way it always did, and his eyes and his smile sped Remus's heart up even faster. His arms held Remus and were strong, but his hand was soft as it caressed Remus's cheek. Remus closed his eyes and savored Sirius's touch.

"I love you," Sirius said again.

"I love you," Remus said back.

They kissed and said no more.

* * *

**The End. Well…? Yay? Nay? It's over now. If you liked it (the ending, the whole story, whatever), tell me and tell me why. If you didn't like it or didn't like a certain part or whatever, please tell me and tell me why. I really hope you enjoyed the story. Thank you very much for reading it. **


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